Christmas Letter to JESUS

Dear Jesus,

I wonder if you get alot of letters from your children this time of year....I've actually felt a bit blue this Christmas, but I'm wondering if you do too?  Boys and girls writing to Santa not knowing that you are the only one who can satisfy our deepest desires, Moms and Dads not reaching for the Bible to read about how you were sent and born for us, and others rushing around with a full list, but closed and empty hearts....Do you need someone to cheer you up this Christmas?

I wanted to write to you this letter and tell you Happy Birthday, Jesus!  I'm confident you look great! ;) As they say, you are not bound by time in Heaven! ....Heaven is something I think about lots, Jesus.  How's my mansion coming along?  Does it have the horse barn connected to it yet?  Actually, I don't need anything fancy as you know....I just want to know that you'll come get me when it's time because I still want that hug and to ride those heavenly horses.

Speaking about horses, Jesus, I've told and retold you about mine.  She doesn't deserve to be in pain...if not for me, could you heal her for her?  She's a good horse as you know, and not one to boast. She takes care of me and teaches me things that you need me to hear so could you do a little miracle? That's something on my Christmas list this year.

Thanks again for coming to this world and saving me and everyone else. I'll admit I'm probably more naughty than nice, but I'm forever thankful you saved my life. You always help me to do right even though it's quite hard at times to put up with me I'm sure!

You are my closest and dearest friend, Jesus.  I love you so much!  I thought it was so amazing and fun when you let me and my dear cousin go to South Dakota this year and ride my own horses (even Kitty was great) in your beautiful creation.  I felt you so near, I did not want to leave.  You did amazing things on this trip! You provided everything we needed with many helpful friends--why we even joined in on a birthday party! I'll never forget this trip we took with you, Jesus, and I hope you will allow even more trips this nice.

My stocking of blessings this year is full.  I'm thankful for my family and friends and others who you have provided to help me this year...For my job, my health (even if its up and down), my truck.  I may not have alot as some do.....but my biggest blessing is definitely YOU!

There's this little worthless tree this year full of problems and trials hanging on one side and the other.  Filled clear full from top to bottom..sometimes I just don't know where to put or do with them all?  Sometimes I think my little tree with fall. I try to clean it best I can, but seems like I just get sticky with sap or pricked by needles.  It's surprising my tree still stands, but I think that's because I got the tree stand from you Jesus and it holds it tight! Thank you for that.  Help me not to focus on my sad looking little tree, help me to look up to see that you are the star at the top of my tree.  Shining there for me to see!  I know my tree doesn't have many presents under it nor is it decorated in glorious ornaments....I'm glad/relieved that you still love and shine on this little tree.........because the little tree I'm describing is me.

In closing, take pity on the world this year.  It's so hard to be down here. Add to my list courage and faith because that is something I'm lacking. Help me not to miss what you need done from me and forgive me when I fall flat on my face!  I'm sorry to have an icy heart sometimes so thanks for fixing my icy heart and melting it so many times.

All my love to you I send, Jesus!  Merry Christmas!  Thanks for all you've done for me this year! Appreciate all your help! Never let me go!
Lots of Love,
Sandy

P.S.  I'm sure I left out many things so we'll talk again real soon!!!!

Fight or Flight?

I've had many thoughts about things and it comes down to this:  do I fight or do I flight when trouble comes calling?

When horses are in danger they will do one of 2 things: fight or flight (run because they know they are fast).  Lots of times horses choose flight.  It's much easier than standing your ground or risk getting hurt and they feel like they are doing something that will save them from the danger.

Here's one example I'll share with you:  My dear horse  (my best friend) is having lots of problems with head tossing and acting hurt/abnormal.  We found a good chiropractor who thought she may have landed hard on her back and hit her head because a few of  her ribs seemed bruised and her neck was tight and she had many sore areas.  She said that she had a horse who died doing that! Getting a lump in my throat (because I didn't want to cry there, but I did later) I immediately thanked God for sparing her and thought this must be the right decision that I made to bring my horse to her.....but Kitty is worse.  Now, the chiropractor says it will take a few adjustments so I'm holding onto some hope, but it's hard.  I went from high to low and have just kinda felt low ever since....stuff piles on top of stuff....Not knowing what's exactly wrong or what will work is a hard combination....yet I feet blessed that God spared my horse......

.....Yesterday, Kitty was really bad and couldn't stop doing her tossing/uncomfortableness.  It's been really hard to escape the world and be refreshed (riding is my stability/refocus with God time) when your horse is in pain. I've tried many things to help her and she was perfect for 5 months!  I felt so sure that God was going to heal her!!!  But now it's hard to even look at her...  I was trying to almost ignore her so I wouldn't see the problem.  I was fleeing, giving up, done. Yet Kitty is still fighting. I feel ashamed of myself.  My horse is not blaming me though I've blamed myself over and over.  So I'm fighting for her! We will have to change our hard workouts to very light easy workouts with little to no riding to keep her happy, but I can't just walk away from her anymore than I can walk away from God.  Just as Kitty needs me to be there for her, I need God to be there for me and walking away from Him or questioning His ways won't save me from difficulties, but with His grace will help me through them.

Sometimes I think that being a good Christian soldier means that the fighting will be glamorous and noble instead of ugly and painful.  Fighting is not a joyful, heroic thing, sometimes it's just a long process of standing your ground and grasping to hang onto the Hope that God knows, cares and loves you and He is in control.

God, Help me stand my ground when I want to run away.  Increase my faith.  Take away my doubts and emptiness so that I can be filled with good things from you.  Amen.  

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. 1. Corinthians 16:13

Mark 11:23 - For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.

"God, How much do you love me?"

It's a question I have to ask again and again....Life just doesn't let up...I try to force it too sometimes, but it won't budge.  Yesterday was rough, and today was worse.  My emotions were not very good yesterday so I tried to overcome them today...I even almost laughed when my finger didn't find its way out of a door so good.  And despite this nasty cold and loss of sleep, I was starting to overcome these problems.

I took Missy for a ride today (but also noticed that Kitty was doing some strange things again) but was so thankful to ride Missy in the beautiful fall weather I didn't want Kitty to distract me.  Missy even laid down for me after our ride to show me what a good girl she was...though I was distracted by Kitty and felt a surge of gilt rush through me I just couldn't shake.

I should have known!!!  Last week, Kitty just didn't seem herself but I couldn't put my finger on it...maybe she is in heat?....just having an off day.....Let me explain that Kitty has a very high pain tolerance and she loves me a ton!  I can't think of any other reason she would let me ride her while she is in pain.  Last Friday I took Kitty to a show and she just didn't want to do things but yet there was no head tossing or lip smacking so I just though she was being a "stupid, stubborn mare."  (I should know..us girls can be stubborn and stupid!!)  My heart knew better as Kitty began to get "snugly" at the horse show wanting to cuddle with me and content to keep her head in my arms trying to tell me in her sweet way that she didn't feel good and something hurt.  She's odd though and tried rearing small rears several times with me and wanted to go out the "out" gate.  She hurt, but I wasn't listening quite enough to her that night.  She is such a willing horse for me that she did everything even winning a few classes, but it all felt half-hearted and not right to me.  Speed was no different...we ran slow times as I knew something was wrong as she wouldn't go any faster which is unusual as well.  Other competitors asked me, "Doesn't she usually run faster?'  "She's just not feeling well tonight," was always my reply.  Now I was really not starting to feel well either.

Today she has her head tossing back and is in more pain...So who's the "stupid" one now I thought as I let Kitty enjoy some grass and told her how sorry I was.  How can you love me so much when I hurt you.  Thankfully, I know who to call in the morning, I just hope we can get scheduled fast and that it works again!  Last time something in her neck/poll was off and causing her all the pain and symptoms.  Please Pray for Kitty and me!

Now I find myself on a guilt trip...saying things like, Kitty would be better off with some person who didn't always hurt her and listened to her better!  What kind of a horsewoman do I think I am?  How can she love me through all this?  How can she keep a glowing personality through all I put her through and through all she goes through?  If my little buckskin could love me so much after what I put her through, I wondered if that was how God thought about me?  Here I am---a little messed up human being who struggles to keep her fingers out of doors, and her Christian self intact with how messed up and beat up just one day can get.....and God's telling me He loves me?  Even when I hurt Him.  Even when I don't listen.  Even when I'm stubborn and stupid.  Can God really love me that much?

I think He can.  Why?  He gave me this little buckskin as a token of His love.  Kitty is God's horse, but He asked the insignificant me to take care of her and God shows me how much He loves me through her.  Because if a horse that God created can love me this much, then my God must really, REALLY love me!

Yes.  I know that God loves me so much and He loves you too!   Thanks, God, for loving me through it all.....keep reminding me, I am weary and homesick.

Anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly!

This may not be a very good read....Several times I've tried to blog something, but come up empty...or maybe too full....too overwhelmed by the step Jesus is trying to teach me.  Some steps come easier than others.  This years step is tough....it seems higher than all the rest.

It's been a year where God is teaching me to trust Him.  I must not be learning very well as the step is painful....but God has been gentle too.  It was hard for me to tell God that He could have my horse because I knew she wasn't mine anyways....but God healed her.  She has been great for almost 3 months now!  I am so thankful that He is letting me take care of her longer!

I've had poor health this year too....viruses and RA flares, body pains, etc...it's kinda opened my eyes to how fragile my life is...most of the time I'm being held together by medical drugs....this isn't a blog about feeling sorry for me....it's just thoughts of late.

One Thought:  Being a Christian is not easy!  A REAL Christian.  Trusting Jesus is always easier when things are going good!  But "Anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly!" Taken out of Life's Lessons from a Horse Whisperer by Dr. Lew Sterrett.  It's not that I don't want to be an excellent worker of Jesus Christ....It's like horsemen Sterrett says, "The only way to do something with excellence is to start out doing things poorly, and then learn from your mistakes." It's tough! I wish I could just have a whole bunch of trust in Jesus without having to go through tough times and mistakes, but would I learn anything if everything always fell nicely into place?  Would I really trust Jesus with my life if I never had to lean on Him?

He also mentions in this book that what we need and what we want are two different things.  I really really want to be able to go places all over the United States with my horses...I have a saying, "I want to enjoy God's creation on His creation (my horse)"!  As I'm struggling with my body week after week and having one truck problem after another....I start to lose my trust in Jesus....saying things like, but God it's only 2 weeks out of the entire year!  If I'm this bad at this young, I'll never be able to go anywhere soon! Why can't you let me have fun?  Look at what I've had to go through!  Can't you give me a tiny break?  Others get to have fun....

Now, I have a twisted mind and also one that can think a little too deep for ones good, but I do know one thing: Proverbs 16:9 says, In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.  

I know this because I make plans and they sometimes go completely haywire! I can attest to this verse and submit that yes, The Lord has determined my steps.  It's NOT what I wanted.  But I needed it.  It's like that first let down you get when your parents tell you you can't do something that you really want to do because they know it will only hurt you....

Ah...but if you read Proverbs 16:3  Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

I'm not sure exactly what this verse means so I'd love your thoughts....but Proverbs is the book of wisdom and lately I could use some!  So I'm committing this horse vacation (for one example) that I want to do to Jesus.....I'm not sure what all needs to be committed...I feel that I planned alot without Him, but I thought He was okay with our decision to go to South Dakota.....He's even worked out a few details for us, but will our plans succeed?  What does that mean?  Succeed could mean lots of things like no one dies=success...that's just obvious right?  ;)  What if we make it all the way over there and one of us gets sick a horse gets lame?  Is our success only in getting there?

So let's now not overthink this verse....let's just go back to what the verse says Commit to the Lord...Commit means to Devote, Apply, Pledge...loads of good definitions....I need to first devote whatever I do to God....because the Lord determines our steps. Ugh..why do I feel that there are people who don't commit anything to God and still have success! And people who commit everything to God and seem to have no success!

I'm learning that sometimes our reward or success isn't in this lifetime, it's in the next one!  I'm talking about when we have died and gone to Heaven to be with Jesus!  Maybe my trip through life won't be a success in this lifetime, maybe I won't get what I want....maybe all I will get is what I need to be successful in gaining my ultimate want and desire to be with Jesus forever....to hug Jesus!

I mentioned earlier in a blog that the hugging lines to Jesus in Heaven must be long and they might be....but Jesus gave me a little insight for that today....Human hugs don't last....you get a hug and it lasts for a few seconds if that and the warmth of that hug and love is gone quickly as you need another and another.....but when Jesus gives you a hug....it will last FOREVER!!!  The warmth will always be there and the love will never leave you!  Even after Jesus's hug is physically over, you will feel it forever!  So really, He never stops hugging you!  Chills.  Jesus's Love is Lasting!  Wow!  I want that Hug!

Are you balanced?

The other day, I was horseback riding (surprise! ;) ) bareback and thinking that I hadn't ridden bareback for awhile and wondering if my balance would be off....I have a very springy horse that takes more balance to ride bareback but it is so good for leg muscles and riding balance so I do it!

Riding everyday helps to keep your riding skills necessary for balance, training, and knowledge of the horse.  I'm told if you want to ride your whole life you need to ride your whole life!  Balance is so important in riding! If your horse spooks, trips, jumps, bucks, rears, bolts, etc. how well your balance is will determine whether you stay up or fall off.

While riding, thoughts began....Wonder how balanced I am spiritually?  What does it take to be spiritually balanced?  Am I a balanced Christian or am I ready to fall off next trial?

If I stopped riding horses for a month, my balance would be off next ride...bad? maybe not. but perhaps not as confident and surely not as smooth.  The less I ride, the less balance I would get.

If I stopped reading God's word and praying to God, my spiritual life would be unbalanced. I get a funny picture of a beginner on horse-back who gets on bareback with no instructions and asks the horse for a trot.....and splat they are on the ground tasting dirt in a matter of seconds.  I find it to be the same way with my spiritual balance.....If I'm not reading God's word and talking with Him, I'm liable to fall on my face and eat Satan's dirt next trial I face!

Keep your spiritual life balanced so Satan can't throw you off!

Above: Riding with my cousin Rachel at High Knob in Shawnee

Below:  Keep your balance even when life is going upside down!  Kitty tolerating me for a "headstand."

Does God pick favorites?

There are sometimes no answers to questions and there are sometimes no words for feelings....but let's save this for another day....(see upcoming Unspeakable Joy)

The other day, I was up to my ears in decisions and pressing matters and I couldn't help but laugh...yes laugh....normally, that is not my reaction....But I'm learning to give it all to Jesus and trust Him.  I can't save myself. I am powerless.  (Job 40) God asks Job who are you to question my ways? Can you save yourself?  Can you speak out of thunder?

So, I thought, here you go....here's another one for you God! Are you sick of taking so much from me yet?  It's not natural for me to want to let go of something I think I can hold.  But, I'm learning this gives me freedom! God's got this...even the slightest little thing that's bringing you down...It's no problem for God!

WARNING!!  Don't by any means think that I have this down...I'm such a messy, messy person (the more I study the Bible the more messy I feel...but the more loved too!!) and the only reason I can tolerate myself is knowing that Jesus loves me and WANTS to hear from me!  I'm very hard on myself, but God is trying to free me of myself to do His work fully and joyfully...yes even when it's not so fun and full of pain!  God is constantly on the move in our lives.  I just don't always have the eyes to see that until after the fact....Peter, a guy who if God wanted to show favoritism to by all means Peter probably deserved a little more attention from God than well....me! I mean Peter was persecuted, imprisoned, tortured, soul saving, etc!! But listen to what Peter says, (Acts 10:34-35) Then Peter began to speak: “I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts from every nation the one who fears him and does what is right.  

Peter, a man of God, whom God spoke through and used a ton says God picks no favorites.  Peter finally realizes this TRUTH!!!  God loves you as much as He does me or Peter or the thief on the cross...This is just hard for us to grasp since we tend to pick favorites...favorite dinner, car, person, item, family, place, etc.

And if that's not bad enough we tend to lift our favorites up...Did you hear about this family who is serving Jesus? They are just so on fire!  Jesus is just really using them...He just loves them so much! That family is a picture perfect example of following Jesus....that singing group.....that preacher.....that missionary......there are many etc.  You've heard em...so have I....but let's be careful! We are putting favoritism upon that person, that family, group, etc and soon other Christians can think they are not good enough...not part of the church enough....not talented enough.....not loved by God enough, etc.....They can end up saying, "God must only love people who are really on fire for Him....great, I'm worthless to Him..He must not love me as much as them."...WAIT HOLD ON FOR ONE MINUTE!!!  YOU ARE LOVED BY JESUS!!!  GOD SHOWS NO FAVORITISM!!  GOD IS JUST SO JUST!!!!   

btw, It's good to be good examples to others for Christ....I have people in my life who are great examples to me of following Jesus with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength....I think Paul states somewhere that if you don't believe my words than believe my actions and seek to do them and grow in Christ....It's wonderful to have godly examples to follow....to really see someone on fire for Jesus!

Now before you ask me is there anything wrong about lifting those up who are following Jesus?  No, there is nothing wrong with that...chances are they need that encouragement...Satan is at constant work to those who are on fire for Jesus.  What I'm trying to get across is that if we don't lift up even "the least of these Christians" you are going to put out more fire than smokey the bear!  I know....my fires been burnt out a few times.....Praise God that He has provided fire starters in my life!  God, Himself, is actively stoking my flame, providing more wood, and more heat.....Do we have to all be Peters and Pauls?  Nope!  Even the smallest light can shine bright in the dark!  It's ok to be a little light!  Do what God calls you to do....don't let others sway you, don't let Big Lights blind you and make sure you ask God where He wants you because that is the BEST SPOT THAT YOU WILL SHINE THE BRIGHTEST!!!

JESUS LOVES YOU!!!  LOVE EVERYONE!!  It really comes down to love alot doesn't it?

Are You In or Out?

I've been doing this study of God's attributes and am learning lots!  There are quite a few questions that are really tough to answer and some I don't know how to answer.....

While horse back riding with my sister, I mentioned some things that I had been learning and how I felt pretty inadequate as a Christian and rather selfish.....here we are only on this earth for a little while and what am I doing?  Rapped up in my own troubles, concerns, etc.  We are here to be Jesus....to be lights....to go low(do the dirty work)....to bring hope...

It's not that I'm never selfless, but I've been thinking that "I" get in the way too often....I can't do that because: I'm tired....I'm not good enough....what will people think about me....that's just not me, God,....My life is too busy, etc.

Is my life really mine?  Yes, God, I'll follow you when it's convenient, when life slows down, when I figure this big decision out, when I'm married, after I take that dream vacation, etc.  Forgetting that I promised God 100% of me...of I. 

So to help myself out with being less selfish (which is extremely hard), I'm trying to first give God my best time...my best me....sometimes I do my Bible study when too tired or rushed...I've even skipped it occasionally (that's why I like yearly devotional studies--they help tons!)...And as far as prayers: be more intimate and real...not just reciting the same words....I've prayed Psalm 27--great read, btw!.... and even out loud praying, etc.  Sidenote:  but I absolutely love that Psalm!  Was it David who wrote it? Very heartfelt read!

It troubles me to think about the percentage of me that is given up to Jesus....Never was good at stats, probabilities or percentages....but I know Jesus doesn't expect me to be 100% amazing because then He wouldn't have had to die for me....still, this crazy idea came to my brain on our ride....and I blurted out.. "So to become less selfish I should just do the opposite of what I really want to do!"(btw, for you over-thinkers, I'm not saying that what you want to do is necessarily a bad thing and this was probably an extreme version selfish test!)  I get really fired up about things and without thinking I said I should do it for a whole month!!!  My sister seemed impressed and said something like...."Wow!  That would be really hard!"   When my brain finally caught up to my mouth, I said..."well maybe for just a week...maybe..."....It was tough, but fun!  I like challenges...but wheu!!!  I found out that I am pretty selfish....unfortunately, the more I read the Bible and learn about Jesus the more I see these two truths: 1.  I need Jesus so very much in my life!  2.  Boy, I need to work on about 40 pages of stuff!!!  I'm hoping and praying that Jesus will give me some answers on what I need to work and focus on for now.....because if you are like me and someone hands you 40 pages of what you need to work on you'll probably raise an eyebrow, jaw drop and look for the nearest trash can!

God also comforted me with this about being selfish or not in it 100%.....Do you remember Jonah?  he was a good prophet of God...but when God told him to go preach to Nineveh...what did he do?  He ran.  I find that odd...a prophet of God running from God....anyways He hated the Ninevehites and did not want to go preach there.....so you could say that He was 100% not in!!!!  100% selfish!  Even after being swallowed by a whale and spit back out....Though Jonah went to Nineveh, his heart was still full of selfishness (but these people are soo bad, God!)  and I'd say some hate and anger too (As he sits under his shade tree waiting for God to destroy Nineveh....)....which God doesn't do......Jonah throws a little fit, but God still used Jonah!  Pretty inspiring to me! What's more inspiring?  God loved those wicked people so much that He gave them another chance.  Everyday, God gives us chances to be 100% in!  What I find fascinating is that even when we aren't 100% in or up to it, GOD STILL USES US!  Praise be to Jesus for using me and you anyways!  

"I was doing great, but then I went to church.....

...I shouldn't have come to church".....Not something you'd expect a Christian to say, right?  "Why did I feel great (full of praise and worship) before church and after church I felt like a total mess?"

I can't begin to catch you up on my life right now, but think of the hardest struggle you've ever been in and then add that to the greatest spiritual struggle you've ever been in and that would give you a fairly accurate description of how my life's been...The struggles come with ups and downs....good days and bad-some very bad.  I get a boost and then get pulled back down.  It's like a cycle in which I have to be constantly aware of my cunning enemy, Satan, and constantly running to my loving God and my Deliverer.

Last Sunday was communion and was sobering enough for me as my first Sunday back for awhile, but I felt blessed to be able to take part in it.  Now its Easter weekend and we, believers, know what happened on Good Friday--another sobering church attendance for me...though I was super happy to be going to church!

As I sat sobered and convicted of my sins that nailed Jesus to the cross, I began to think how utterly dumb and selfish I am to think that the suffering I've gone through and am going through is rough.  It NEVER helps when you think that the sermon is pointed directly at you......but I had a little help with this....Did you know that Satan comes to church?  Every Good Friday we celebrate, Satan is trying to tear down Christians into believing what I was beginning to believe...."God doesn't love you....how could He after you've done all this to Him?  You really think God can love you after what you did to His son, Jesus?"  Unfortunately, it didn't stop there.

I was pounded by more pricks to the heart after the minister talked of others trials (which seemed way harder than mine) and then talked of how horrible Jesus's suffering must have been....The Romans took pride in their crucifixions of being absolutely torturous...some died before they got to the cross.  Jesus's pain was great, but sometimes the pain of our hearts is stronger than the pain of our bodies, and I can readily believe this.  In the Garden, Jesus asked for his disciples to pray for him...Twice! And they couldn't stay awake.  How lonely is it to feel abandoned?!  Jesus was abandoned by everyone that day....Even God.  God loved us sooo much that He gave His sinless son, Jesus, up to be slaughtered and abandoned and cursed.  There were many good points brought out in this sermon that left Mom and I talking about it most of the way home from church!

Anyways, after the sermon was over I wanted to run out of church so fast, because my heart hurt. Satan kept telling me I shouldn't have come and I was willing to believe that.....but something kept me still in the pew almost like I wasn't able to move as my thoughts went 110 mph!   I think it was God, standing over me, waiting for me to turn away from Satan......

Satan talks more than God does.  Or I feel that we listen to Satan more than we do God.  I don't especially like listening to people who I know don't care a bit for me, so why do I listen to Satan?  Why is he so convincing?  Why is he so powerful?  Why is it that we, humans, tend to focus more on the bad than the good?  I've heard many people say that after receiving say, 100 cards--98 of them really encouraging and 2 very discouraging/tear you apart cards....which cards do you think they remember?  Yes.  Those 2 cards of hurtful discouraging words is what they remember most.....

I have to bring out one more point in the sermon because I really need to work on this myself....that is forgetting and forgiving myself (and others who hurt me) for the mistakes I've made and confessed before God because GOD FORGETS/FORGIVES OUR SINS!!!  Once we confess it, He forgets it!  If we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us!  (Tell me your heart is pounding here too..mine sure was last night)

"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Isaiah 43:25

Matt 6:14-15 “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”  NIV

So, then Satan tried again....He brought up all my sins like a powerpoint presentation...bullet after bullet....page after page....and Satan was right, I had done all these sins....But I had CONFESSED!!! God has even FORGOTTEN my sin!  I think I need to focus on those 98 encouraging cards, rather than the 2 very hurtful cards....

I went to bed late as I just had to delve into more scripture before I even thought about falling asleep!  Did you know that Satan reads scripture too?  Sometimes with you too!  I was thankful that God took Satan away as I prayed and I actually started to get sleepy....

This whole time of suffering for me has been tough and I know it's not over...it will never be over until Jesus calls me home...I don't know when that will be, but I've been telling Jesus that I want to be with Him and anytime is good with me!

"I just wanted to be hugged by Jesus.  I wanted to feel His love."  That has been part of my prayer.

I saw Jesus last night.  Not in person, but I dreamed about Him.  I dreamed I was running through woods full of snares set up by Satan.  My destination was Jesus! I knew at the end I would see Jesus! I wasn't the only one running and I wasn't the only one caught in snares.....I kept tripping on logs and vines, but I kept getting up and running!  I remember being caught in some thorns and each way I turned just made it worse and I saw other believers running by me, but I couldn't yell out for help! I didn't want them to know I was so stuck!  Panicking, I wondering if I'd be stuck there and Never get out to see Jesus!  Just then, another believer stopped and asked me if I needed help.  "Is Jesus really up there?" I asked worn out from my struggling belief and ripped body.  "Yes.  Come on I'll help you out! Give me your hand!" they said.  I took their hand and relief was instant as they pulled me out of the thorns.  I began running again more tired, but encouraged by the believer who had encouraged me that Jesus was just up ahead!  And then I saw Jesus standing there with His arms wide open ready to give me a hug!  But then I woke up! I never got to hug Jesus.  I really wanted to hug Jesus!  I looked up and I was still in my room...my clock said 5am....rats I'm still an earthling...those were the two quick things that came to my brain...then I realized what had happened and I felt so good!  Right then and there I cried out to Jesus! I love you Jesus!  100%.  I can't wait to hug you!  I can't wait to be with you!  I see that you love me too!  Thank you so much!  Please take all of me because I want all of you!  Tears came down...I was so happy to feel that love after being totally knocked out and stuck by Satan!

I hope the hugging lines to Jesus aren't too long in Heaven because I was disappointed that I couldn't hug Him....I think Jesus wants me to stay running and fighting for now....I will get to hug him in Heaven, but my battle here is not over yet.  God says I have to do a lot more running, bleeding and tripping to do yet but stay focused because Jesus is really up there!

And along the way, if you need some help out of thorns, don't be afraid to let another believer help you out!  And I hope that if I see someone struggling, I can reach my hand out and pull them out of the thorns!  Not everyone will want to grab your hand, but offer it anyway!  Many want too, we're just too scared to reach for it!

Believers, We need each other!  Yes, we have Jesus.  He's the most important!  But we still need each other.  WE are responsible for showing God's love....How sad if we can't share our hurts with other believers when this is what God calls us to do!  Love one another....bear each other's burdens....spur each other on in love...encourage each other....forgive one another.....all of these are very biblical and very Jesus btw.

I have so much I'm learning right now...sure I backslide too, but I'm hoping that after this long battle I will be better equip to do all that for my fellow believers.  I fully appreciate that love as it helps me battle over and over again with Satan.  Thanks doesn't seem to cover it.  I love you all!


 

Is your life CrAzY?

Mine is!!!  Yours too?  I bet it is!  Sometimes we get wrapped into thinking that others lives are less crazy than ours and we must be dealt a poor hand while others are holding onto the "good" life!  I recently heard a minister say that there are always those people in our lives that seem to have it altogether and then those that just can't seem to get anything to fit right....And another I've heard is some people can walk down the street singing and dancing with perfect rhythm while others can't even walk and chew gum at the same time!  (Trust me on that it's true...I've totally choked on my gum...I was throwing hay bales off a loft) I think it was more from the spit going down the wrong pipe, but you catch my drift....

Here's a tidbit from my crazy life.  Last Monday after driving home from work and in a tired stage I was travelling round the driveway like I normally do and have done for the last upteen years, but instead of missing the horse trailer (like I normally do) I bumped into it!  GRR! I was so upset with my mistake and I felt pretty stupid....I damaged the side light on the trailer and my truck has a scratch line that will forever remind me of my "graceful" moment.  As I was reviewing the damages I sliced my finger on the broken plastic light which led to dripping blood over the kitchen floor....Then by the end of the week my insurance company sends me a license renewal saying that since my driving record is so amazingly perfect, I can renew my license online!!!  Sometimes you just have to laugh at how life works...seems to me I wasn't ready to laugh quite yet at the time!

Then there's those moments in life where your bank statement comes and your balances don't match....or the wind blows so hard it blows the cover off your truck and you find yourself in a war with the wind to secure it...yup another bloody hand....

Then there's my sweet horse who's been acting strangely for over a week now....She tosses her head up and down as I ride and lip smacks on occasion which is absolutely Not normal for her!  She's eating good, but I still think it's weird....especially when last Saturday, I get her out to ride and she's less than thrilled with the idea...she wouldn't even budge without head tossing!  I got off of her and took her to the roundpen where she just stood their looking at me as if trying to tell me in the only way she knew how that she didn't feel her usual self.  She indeed wasn't.  I really had to work at getting her to move around so I stopped and let her stand and she just came up to me and put her head in my face so I stood their rubbing her head and trying to tell her that I knew she wasn't up to par today....Kitty and I go way back together so it's easy for each of us to tell if the other isn't feeling right, I gave her a treat since she still insisted on doing tricks and she chewed it in an interesting way...could be teeth problems....?

It was time to look for a horse dentist!  So blessed to have horse friends who are willing to give advice, I received lots of help when I found out my dentists weren't going to be in the area till May!

My vet told me of a good one (he knows me and my horses well) so next week hopefully we'll have Kitty feeling better!  While on the phone I mentioned to him that I didn't want just any old farm vet working on my horse!  oops!  mistake again.  I called him right back to apologize as I say some things without thinking...see truth is he is a farm vet.....but he is also the best farm vet and one of the only guys I trust working on my horses, which I told him!  I just love him, but I wanted to be sure he knew I wanted a reputable dentist too.

Wow....so I really make mistakes lots during just one day!  And there is always, ALWAYS! stuff happening here to make me wonder...IS MY LIFE THE ONLY CRAZY LIFE?  AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO MAKES MISTAKES EVERY SINGLE DAY OF HER LIFE???!!!!!  How is one to get ahead in life if they are always behind?

Honestly, I tend to lose my senses a bit more when one of my horse's get's sick, injured or acts abnormal or a family member is having trouble....I'll also admit that I talk too much without thinking. Which is why it's almost better to write so you can see it first or to just close the big mouth and open the listening ear.

A line from Anne of Green Gables keeps tracking through my mind.."Tomorrow is a day with no mistakes in it"...at least not yet.  Why do I remember that line?  It points me to a Bible verse that I love!!!

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23 

God forgets and forgives our mistakes every day!!  Yes, at the end of the day, during the day, and even the night, I have to ask His forgiveness, but His love for me never fails and nor does His mercy and forgiveness and this is why we can wake up with JOY in the morning because we have HOPE!

This is how to get ahead in life;  Seek JOY.  How?  List off all the blessings in your life....what are you thankful for?  Admit your mistakes.  The Bible says to confess our faults to one another..James 5:16..it goes on to say to pray for each other....that's partly why we confess...we need others to pray for us as life is hard and you will make mistakes.  "The truth will set you free"  Admitting your mistakes frees you of Satan's power over you. Then it's much easier to soak in God's forgiveness and love. Keep Hope Alive.  Chances are if your hope is dead than so is your faith and love...yes and your joy.  Hope is hard.  While watching/hearing the news you lose hope...another rape, another murder, another shooting, another bad political decision....it's true the world is full of hopelessness!  The world and our individual problems make it easy to lose hope.  It's a challenge, but we can't lose hope!  I'll admit that during the winter months, it's very easy for me to lose hope...it cold, windy, dreary, and nothing really exciting..rather, fun happens till spring!  But I press on because I have hope that spring is coming with better weather, fun stuff, and more riding time!!

So even if I end up poor and make many mistakes the rest of my life, I can have HOPE because Jesus's love NEVER FAILS!!  I can go on because a better life awaits me in Heaven!  "This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through!"  Sure I'd rather pass through this world as comfortable as possible with all my needs and wants taken care of!.... but then I wouldn't be learning just how much Jesus loves me and wants me to trust Him.....and then maybe I wouldn't have any faith, love or joy in Jesus because I wouldn't need Him.   Mistakes bring us closer to Jesus! Without them we may think we can do it ourselves (I'm guilty)....Mistakes show us how weak we are and just how much we need Jesus.....I need Him so much!

Doing good. Does it really matter?

Windy and cold.  Doctor appointments.  Less riding time.  Too much to do.  More trials.  Same old. Unfinished business. Stresses of life.

Is life tiring you out?  Are you getting weary, Christian?  I've had this verse on my mind of late. Galations 6:9  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

There is so much hurt in this world.  I've hurt people.  People have hurt me.  We hurt each other.  But should that keep us from doing good?  I have been hurt by doing good.  I had thought if I do good, that should mean I should get something good out of it.  Not so.  The Bible clearly states don't become weary in doing good....meaning that it's tough to keep doing good!  It's tough to keep loving someone who doesn't deserve it...it's tough to reach out in love to someone and be smacked instead...it's tough to read and pray but not get answers or at least not the ones we want.  

I am weary. I was wondering why I should do this good if it only makes me weary?  The verse answers this in that we will get a bountiful blessing (Heaven) if we don't give up.  But giving up is so so easy.  It doesn't require any work at all and in fact can make you feel "lighter" as you say to yourself, "Well at least I tried not to be weary for awhile!"  But the thought of why should I not give up (does it really matter) bothered me......

Today was a cold, windy 20 some degree day, but I decided to work my horses together on some liberty work in the yard.  They could use the exercise and I needed some therapy.  Kitty was working superb, even though I could tell she didn't like the hard frozen ground, she still wanted to listen to me.  Missy was being silly due to not being exercised for a couple days and then she was being stubborn about cantering on the hard ground.  Poor Kitty and I cantered circles and circles trying to get Missy to canter beside us, but Missy was either too frisky or too tired to corporate.  At one point I just let go of the lead rope so Missy could do her own frisky things without upsetting Kitty.  And that's when Jesus started to explain some lessons to me about why a Christian should not grow weary of doing good!

Kitty was the perfect example of what a true believer should be.  She never once gave up or gave in to becoming weary of the hard ground or weary of the constant circling....she kept her focus on her trainer the whole time and did not grow weary of her job.  Missy, on the other hand, was weary of doing good.  Missy was a good example of those of us who are weary and want to give up.  What happened?  She was letting lifes situations get to her.  The everyday bucks of life caused her focus to fade and she decided that becoming weary was easier than doing good.  And yes I had to let go of her!  She wanted to go her own path because doing good seemed exhausting to her.....why should she do good if it's harder work and why should she do good if it's more painful than giving up?

Yet, Kitty and I were there for her.  We weren't about to weary in doing good so we picked up her lead rope and tried again and again and again until finally Missy became joyful instead of weary in doing good. What changed her actions?  You know God sometimes let's go of us for awhile...He lets us take our own paths and when they get bumpy enough He asks us gently to try to walk with Him again.  Sometimes we say no, but other times we say yes because we're usually in a big mess by that time...as I grabbed the lead rope I visualized God grabbing me again after I become weary....and I couldn't help but think that I never want Him to ever drop my lead rope again! Never!!  Yet God wants us to walk on our own sometimes to better our reliance on Him and sometimes, well sometimes that means doing good...so much good that it almost becomes wearisome!  That's when Believers like Kitty step in....They see struggling believers like Missy who are becoming weary and walking off the narrow path....so if they are like Kitty they keep trying to reach out to bring them back whether that's praying for them, writing them a letter, a call, a hug, an email, etc. however long it takes because they never grow weary.  If there were no Kitty's, there would be many more lost Missy's.

What I am saying here? I'm saying that if we were all weary Believers in Christ, there would be no one to help save the lost. No one to show God's love and mercy for those that need it desperately.  No one to come along side the lost or struggling believer and say, "Jesus loves you and so do I!  I know He has a plan for you! A plan to prosper you and not to harm you!"  Jeremiah 29:11

It's tough to do good.  We're human. We mess up.  I sometimes downright feel like a flop!  But don't let your mess ups tire you from striving to do good!  Our reward is great....undeserved, but that should just show you how much God truly loves us!  He wants to reward us anyways and that makes me less tired and more willing to do good!

The Pony Express Rides Again! New Years Resolutions!

It's officially afternoon and I'm still sitting in my pj's! I've done lots of stuff (including outside chores!) in my pj's today but I can't seem to officially change to start the day!  Perhaps this is what happened to my blogs as well....I get something on my heart that I know I should share, but yet I'm so comfortable and lazy that I shove it off for whatever reason.  We're busy, right?  It's true we are busy with things, but that's what they are....things!  This year my resolution hasn't changed much from my past resolution which was to show the love of Jesus more, to be a more loving person!  Yes I still want to do this, but I also feel I need to use my time more wisely.

Most of you know, I'm not a lazy person I love to be doing things, but this year I want to be doing more things worthy of praising Jesus not just my own pleasures!

So I started this resolution a bit early but here it is:  I want to include Jesus more in my life!  I want to go to Him first when problems arise...I want to share my heart more often with Him.....and I want to show my love for Him by loving others and spending more time with Jesus in prayer, acts of love, Bible reading and anything else he lays on my heart!

This December, I was feeling on fire for Jesus and I asked Him what He would like for me to do!  I was thinking, as usual, that He'd ask me for something so super great that I would be the next Billy Graham!!!  haha...well I do this to myself sometimes...I think I have to be doing something great for it to actually count for Jesus.....as I was doing good and showing lots of love I became pretty happy with myself for the fire that was burning and just feeling like I could tackle just about anything!

Then it hit!  Trials.  new news. Horse problems.  got sick. couldn't sleep.  throat closures came back.  had a fever.  No energy!  But why?  I asked God. I had all these plans that I was going to do for YOU!  Why are you punishing me for doing stuff for you!?

Ya see I thought I had it figured out....If you are doing stuff for Jesus nothing bad happens to you....

It's funny. I had just talked to someone in church and He was saying the exact same thing as me.  He was doing the most He had ever done with his life for Jesus and then all sorts of tragedies and hardships came!

WHY DOES GOD DO THIS?

Yes.  We can get a bit bitter about it can't we, but nowhere in the Bible does it state that Jesus gives everyone who serves Him a free and easy ride here on earth!  In fact it says He disciplines those He loves!  Rev. 3:19 and many more passages!

So here I was stuck with a list of things I wanted to do for Jesus but feeling sick and trialed up!  I asked God why....You know what He said?

It's amazing really!  Jesus is so loving!  Jesus gently took me aside and told me that He loves me and said if you really loved me you wouldn't let all this sickness and all these trials slow you down from serving me.  Sandy, did you really want to serve me?....or did you want to become something great by using me?  See, Sandy, that's why I disciplined you...I love you too much to lose you...I don't need you to be great....I need you to be willing to serve me during your sicknesses and trials...can you love me that much to keep serving me in spite of this?  Or are you so uncommitted to me that you need a "perfect" life in order to serve me?

JESUS KNOWS US BETTER THAN WE KNOW OURSELVES!!!!  He knows that I can't handle a perfect life! I need those trials to bring me closer to Him!  To realize I desperately need Him and His discipline!!!

So to shorten this up...I stuck to it!  And during this time Jesus answered my request of what could I do for Him?

I ride alot around my country neighborhood and I get to talk to alot of my neighbors and some of them are so sweet! Some let me ride on their land, some like to chat as I ride by and some are so nice and drive super slow around us as we ride the roads.  Jesus laid it on my heart to thank them this year....so I did Pony Express style!  I rode to each of their mailboxes and dropped a letter into each mailbox with a thank you card and hot chocolate packages!  I was so excited to be used by Jesus in this way it made me feel so good!  And it was sooooo simple!!!!!  A letter.

You don't have to do anything great!!!  DO SOMETHING SMALL FOR JESUS!!!  You don't have to shrug these small things off saying to yourself it's so small it couldn't possibly matter!!!  If GOD LAYS IN ON YOUR HEART---DO IT!!!  Don't be afraid of what others think!  God so wants to use us...don't wait for something big like I do.....however God wants to use you is BIG no matter how tiny it seems to you!

This year I want to listen to that still, small voice that says many things to my heart....and I want to do more of what that voice inside my heart is suggesting no matter how small!  Love and hugs to you all for a safe and blessed New Year serving our amazing, loving Father!

The pictures below are of the first Pony Express delivery day which I talked all my siblings into helping me which was pretty special!