"God, How much do you love me?"

It's a question I have to ask again and again....Life just doesn't let up...I try to force it too sometimes, but it won't budge.  Yesterday was rough, and today was worse.  My emotions were not very good yesterday so I tried to overcome them today...I even almost laughed when my finger didn't find its way out of a door so good.  And despite this nasty cold and loss of sleep, I was starting to overcome these problems.

I took Missy for a ride today (but also noticed that Kitty was doing some strange things again) but was so thankful to ride Missy in the beautiful fall weather I didn't want Kitty to distract me.  Missy even laid down for me after our ride to show me what a good girl she was...though I was distracted by Kitty and felt a surge of gilt rush through me I just couldn't shake.

I should have known!!!  Last week, Kitty just didn't seem herself but I couldn't put my finger on it...maybe she is in heat?....just having an off day.....Let me explain that Kitty has a very high pain tolerance and she loves me a ton!  I can't think of any other reason she would let me ride her while she is in pain.  Last Friday I took Kitty to a show and she just didn't want to do things but yet there was no head tossing or lip smacking so I just though she was being a "stupid, stubborn mare."  (I should know..us girls can be stubborn and stupid!!)  My heart knew better as Kitty began to get "snugly" at the horse show wanting to cuddle with me and content to keep her head in my arms trying to tell me in her sweet way that she didn't feel good and something hurt.  She's odd though and tried rearing small rears several times with me and wanted to go out the "out" gate.  She hurt, but I wasn't listening quite enough to her that night.  She is such a willing horse for me that she did everything even winning a few classes, but it all felt half-hearted and not right to me.  Speed was no different...we ran slow times as I knew something was wrong as she wouldn't go any faster which is unusual as well.  Other competitors asked me, "Doesn't she usually run faster?'  "She's just not feeling well tonight," was always my reply.  Now I was really not starting to feel well either.

Today she has her head tossing back and is in more pain...So who's the "stupid" one now I thought as I let Kitty enjoy some grass and told her how sorry I was.  How can you love me so much when I hurt you.  Thankfully, I know who to call in the morning, I just hope we can get scheduled fast and that it works again!  Last time something in her neck/poll was off and causing her all the pain and symptoms.  Please Pray for Kitty and me!

Now I find myself on a guilt trip...saying things like, Kitty would be better off with some person who didn't always hurt her and listened to her better!  What kind of a horsewoman do I think I am?  How can she love me through all this?  How can she keep a glowing personality through all I put her through and through all she goes through?  If my little buckskin could love me so much after what I put her through, I wondered if that was how God thought about me?  Here I am---a little messed up human being who struggles to keep her fingers out of doors, and her Christian self intact with how messed up and beat up just one day can get.....and God's telling me He loves me?  Even when I hurt Him.  Even when I don't listen.  Even when I'm stubborn and stupid.  Can God really love me that much?

I think He can.  Why?  He gave me this little buckskin as a token of His love.  Kitty is God's horse, but He asked the insignificant me to take care of her and God shows me how much He loves me through her.  Because if a horse that God created can love me this much, then my God must really, REALLY love me!

Yes.  I know that God loves me so much and He loves you too!   Thanks, God, for loving me through it all.....keep reminding me, I am weary and homesick.