Learning to trust God with everything....

Does life have you stuck?  Decisions cramming your mind? You have no clue what you need to be doing?  More questions than answers?

Ok, let's see if I can get through this post without falling asleep....I have Rhuematoid Arthritis. It is an auto-immune disease that attacks your whole body. It's like your body is at constant war with itself. There is no cure.  And yes fatigue and arthritis are just a few of the symptoms.  I've heard it expressed this way: You wake up tired, you fight to stay awake in the afternoons and you can't sleep at night because you're in pain.  Very accurate if your meds aren't working and you are having a flare up of symptoms.

I'm rather blessed as this draws me to God for strength.  But some days I just don't know what to say to God.

Getting into my upper 20s and having trouble controlling the symptoms can make one think: What am I going to do when I can't work anymore?  If I'm this bad now....what will it be like when I'm older?  Will I have a place to live?  with my horses?  I don't want to be a burden to anyone......I need to invest in my future right now!  Should I move to a better climate?  Should I be doing something more for you God, while I still can?  TEll ME! WHAT DO I DO?

There are 3 things that one must have in order to beat this disease.  1. God.  I don't know how He does it or why He does it when I've often yelled at Him...but He does!  He provides strength to get through each day even on the days where you can hardly convince yourself to get out of bed let alone get dressed due to pain/stiffness.
2.  A support system.  My family deserves blue ribbons for dealing with me.  At times, I just get so tried of being TIRED and fighting every day that I say hurtful things to them when I know that they are just trying to help.  I'm sorry family and I'm super thankful for each of you! My extended family included!
3,  A sense of humor.  A good sense of humor is a must when you fight any disease.  For ex. I'll have days where my hand just won't work...."Hey could someone give me a hand over here!" (That's a lame joke, but you get the idea!)

You have days where you feel guilty.  Guilty because you know of others who have it far worse than you do and you almost feel blessed to be able to do the things you can do.

Then you'll have days where you feel worthless and wonder how many things you could do if you didn't have this disease.

Then you wonder sometimes..What's the point?  What's the point of life?  To live a comfortable life being a responsible adult, paying your bills on time, working a steady job, investing in your future, doing things that are profitable for all when the time allows you, going to church steady and being active with that, supporting your family, get a proper education, go on vacations, raise a family, etc? That doesn't seem quite it to me...

I've been wrapped up with many of those things right now. I've even questioned God. What's it even mean to be a Christian?  Should I move?  Where?  Better climate for RA? Cheaper land for horses?  Should I stay?  I've got a great job (and I love being around my family), but reality tells me I won't be able to do it forever.  I'd love to invest in land, but land prices around here are outrageously expensive so expensive that I've looked into other states prices....I can't stand living in the city and I'll need a place for my horses.....the list goes on and on.

Being a responsible adult is no fun most of the time.  Trusting God with your life and plans is really really tough.  I like having a plan.  I like having a backup plan....even a backup's backup plan if necessary.

Some days I laugh at myself.  Why invest in me when this earth is not my home?!!  Why am I so bothered with my future plans?  Why am I being such a human?  God's got this.  He's got a plan!  Why can't I trust Him?

I've gone to the Bible for "my future plans" and it's kinda confusing.  "If you don't work, you won't eat." (2 Thess. 3:10)  But then Jesus says, 'Don't worry about your life' (Matt.6:25) Proverbs 6:6-8 tells us to plan ahead (like the ant) and Proverbs 27:23 tells us to pay attention to our "flocks and herds" which were investments of the people back then.  In contrast James 4:13-15 says “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.  What is your life?  For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.  Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’

I'm a mist.  

So what should a Christian be doing here?  I read an article and appreciated it's closing:  "Invest your time and resources here on earth wisely.  Invest into your eternity even more.  Repent daily of sin.  Pray daily to your Father.  Sing praises daily to the Lord.  Bring the gospel to the lost daily.  Be a hearer of the Word and then do what it says!  Pray for your family and friends!  God loves you and desperately wants a life with you in heaven.  If you have not accepted Christ as your Savior, do not delay!  Your hour may be at hand today!"

The Bible states that we have to become like little children. Matt. 18:3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. 

Children, for the most part, believe anything you tell them without any doubt.  That's what I want. I want to be a child of God that believes in Him without any doubt.  I have a long ways to go so I must throw away the "adultness!" Surrender the control you think you have, it's just an illusion! (heard that once in a sermon)

You can plan for your earthly future, but you first need to tell God of your plans. Trust Him with your earthly future and your Heavenly future will be secure.  Remember you and I are just a mist that He created. A very loved and treasured mist, but a mist that will soon vanish.

Maybe you're like me and need to invest into your eternity more.

How do you spell HOPE?

How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me? -Psalm 13:1

Like David, I question the Lord.  I plead. I cry.  I wait....but how long must I wait?  I believe that is also another question David asks (Psalm 6:3).  What is one to do while they await a painful wait?  

2017 is started off with 2016 trials that still aren't over.  I find myself taking another round of big drugs to ease my RA symptoms, and my horse is still no better.  My horse has had this trouble for almost a year with the exception of 5 months.  I had hope that God would fix her for Christmas....nothing.  I had hope that He would fix her this week trying the same method that fixed her for 5 months before.....nothing.  I can't keep spending money like this on both of us!  I feel like David hard pressed on every side and wonder "Hey, did you forget me, God?"

At work they have 2 sick horses one is getting better and the other is still pretty sick.  She came to me to just stand close (to be with someone who cared while she hurt). That is EXACTLY what Kitty does when she doesn't feel good.  I gave her some hugs and attention.  Suddenly I wondered how Kitty was doing....Then I got home and saw Kitty doing her uncomfortable head tossing again!

Like the horse at work I needed someone to care for me right then, but all I could do was cry out to God.  Why?  You are the only ONE who can heal my horse why aren't you doing that?  Why don't you care?  Why are you hiding from me? What am I suppose to be learning? Is this really in your plan of goodness towards me?  Speak to me! Give me wisdom!  Do Something!

I understand that I am helpless and hopeless without God.  Some say that is why God gave us the Bible so we knew that others faced these struggles and questions and that God does indeed love us even if we are nothing and even if we question His ways and timing.

Though I'm deeply hurt and confused right now, I realize I must keep waiting because God's timing is CLEARLY NOT mine!  Good things come to those who wait so they say....Isaiah 40:31..they that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength, etc.

What am I suppose to be doing in the meantime?  What am I putting my hope into?  Do I still have hope?

You can flat out begin to think is this why you created me to hide from me during my troubles? To always discipline me?  To realize that I know that You, God, are the only one I can run to and yet I do not see you?  Where else can I go?  There is no where else.  God you are it. You are my Hope.  I have nothing else, but You.  Come quickly to my aid. (Psalm 31:2)

God, like these horses, I'm coming to You for help, security, love, and wisdom.  Let me feel your love and presence like the horses felt my love and presence today.  I can only go on if you're with me.

How to spell HOPE

Holding onto God
Offer lots of love
Pray always
Eject all the lies

Christmas Letter to JESUS

Dear Jesus,

I wonder if you get alot of letters from your children this time of year....I've actually felt a bit blue this Christmas, but I'm wondering if you do too?  Boys and girls writing to Santa not knowing that you are the only one who can satisfy our deepest desires, Moms and Dads not reaching for the Bible to read about how you were sent and born for us, and others rushing around with a full list, but closed and empty hearts....Do you need someone to cheer you up this Christmas?

I wanted to write to you this letter and tell you Happy Birthday, Jesus!  I'm confident you look great! ;) As they say, you are not bound by time in Heaven! ....Heaven is something I think about lots, Jesus.  How's my mansion coming along?  Does it have the horse barn connected to it yet?  Actually, I don't need anything fancy as you know....I just want to know that you'll come get me when it's time because I still want that hug and to ride those heavenly horses.

Speaking about horses, Jesus, I've told and retold you about mine.  She doesn't deserve to be in pain...if not for me, could you heal her for her?  She's a good horse as you know, and not one to boast. She takes care of me and teaches me things that you need me to hear so could you do a little miracle? That's something on my Christmas list this year.

Thanks again for coming to this world and saving me and everyone else. I'll admit I'm probably more naughty than nice, but I'm forever thankful you saved my life. You always help me to do right even though it's quite hard at times to put up with me I'm sure!

You are my closest and dearest friend, Jesus.  I love you so much!  I thought it was so amazing and fun when you let me and my dear cousin go to South Dakota this year and ride my own horses (even Kitty was great) in your beautiful creation.  I felt you so near, I did not want to leave.  You did amazing things on this trip! You provided everything we needed with many helpful friends--why we even joined in on a birthday party! I'll never forget this trip we took with you, Jesus, and I hope you will allow even more trips this nice.

My stocking of blessings this year is full.  I'm thankful for my family and friends and others who you have provided to help me this year...For my job, my health (even if its up and down), my truck.  I may not have alot as some do.....but my biggest blessing is definitely YOU!

There's this little worthless tree this year full of problems and trials hanging on one side and the other.  Filled clear full from top to bottom..sometimes I just don't know where to put or do with them all?  Sometimes I think my little tree with fall. I try to clean it best I can, but seems like I just get sticky with sap or pricked by needles.  It's surprising my tree still stands, but I think that's because I got the tree stand from you Jesus and it holds it tight! Thank you for that.  Help me not to focus on my sad looking little tree, help me to look up to see that you are the star at the top of my tree.  Shining there for me to see!  I know my tree doesn't have many presents under it nor is it decorated in glorious ornaments....I'm glad/relieved that you still love and shine on this little tree.........because the little tree I'm describing is me.

In closing, take pity on the world this year.  It's so hard to be down here. Add to my list courage and faith because that is something I'm lacking. Help me not to miss what you need done from me and forgive me when I fall flat on my face!  I'm sorry to have an icy heart sometimes so thanks for fixing my icy heart and melting it so many times.

All my love to you I send, Jesus!  Merry Christmas!  Thanks for all you've done for me this year! Appreciate all your help! Never let me go!
Lots of Love,
Sandy

P.S.  I'm sure I left out many things so we'll talk again real soon!!!!

Fight or Flight?

I've had many thoughts about things and it comes down to this:  do I fight or do I flight when trouble comes calling?

When horses are in danger they will do one of 2 things: fight or flight (run because they know they are fast).  Lots of times horses choose flight.  It's much easier than standing your ground or risk getting hurt and they feel like they are doing something that will save them from the danger.

Here's one example I'll share with you:  My dear horse  (my best friend) is having lots of problems with head tossing and acting hurt/abnormal.  We found a good chiropractor who thought she may have landed hard on her back and hit her head because a few of  her ribs seemed bruised and her neck was tight and she had many sore areas.  She said that she had a horse who died doing that! Getting a lump in my throat (because I didn't want to cry there, but I did later) I immediately thanked God for sparing her and thought this must be the right decision that I made to bring my horse to her.....but Kitty is worse.  Now, the chiropractor says it will take a few adjustments so I'm holding onto some hope, but it's hard.  I went from high to low and have just kinda felt low ever since....stuff piles on top of stuff....Not knowing what's exactly wrong or what will work is a hard combination....yet I feet blessed that God spared my horse......

.....Yesterday, Kitty was really bad and couldn't stop doing her tossing/uncomfortableness.  It's been really hard to escape the world and be refreshed (riding is my stability/refocus with God time) when your horse is in pain. I've tried many things to help her and she was perfect for 5 months!  I felt so sure that God was going to heal her!!!  But now it's hard to even look at her...  I was trying to almost ignore her so I wouldn't see the problem.  I was fleeing, giving up, done. Yet Kitty is still fighting. I feel ashamed of myself.  My horse is not blaming me though I've blamed myself over and over.  So I'm fighting for her! We will have to change our hard workouts to very light easy workouts with little to no riding to keep her happy, but I can't just walk away from her anymore than I can walk away from God.  Just as Kitty needs me to be there for her, I need God to be there for me and walking away from Him or questioning His ways won't save me from difficulties, but with His grace will help me through them.

Sometimes I think that being a good Christian soldier means that the fighting will be glamorous and noble instead of ugly and painful.  Fighting is not a joyful, heroic thing, sometimes it's just a long process of standing your ground and grasping to hang onto the Hope that God knows, cares and loves you and He is in control.

God, Help me stand my ground when I want to run away.  Increase my faith.  Take away my doubts and emptiness so that I can be filled with good things from you.  Amen.  

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. 1. Corinthians 16:13

Mark 11:23 - For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.

"God, How much do you love me?"

It's a question I have to ask again and again....Life just doesn't let up...I try to force it too sometimes, but it won't budge.  Yesterday was rough, and today was worse.  My emotions were not very good yesterday so I tried to overcome them today...I even almost laughed when my finger didn't find its way out of a door so good.  And despite this nasty cold and loss of sleep, I was starting to overcome these problems.

I took Missy for a ride today (but also noticed that Kitty was doing some strange things again) but was so thankful to ride Missy in the beautiful fall weather I didn't want Kitty to distract me.  Missy even laid down for me after our ride to show me what a good girl she was...though I was distracted by Kitty and felt a surge of gilt rush through me I just couldn't shake.

I should have known!!!  Last week, Kitty just didn't seem herself but I couldn't put my finger on it...maybe she is in heat?....just having an off day.....Let me explain that Kitty has a very high pain tolerance and she loves me a ton!  I can't think of any other reason she would let me ride her while she is in pain.  Last Friday I took Kitty to a show and she just didn't want to do things but yet there was no head tossing or lip smacking so I just though she was being a "stupid, stubborn mare."  (I should know..us girls can be stubborn and stupid!!)  My heart knew better as Kitty began to get "snugly" at the horse show wanting to cuddle with me and content to keep her head in my arms trying to tell me in her sweet way that she didn't feel good and something hurt.  She's odd though and tried rearing small rears several times with me and wanted to go out the "out" gate.  She hurt, but I wasn't listening quite enough to her that night.  She is such a willing horse for me that she did everything even winning a few classes, but it all felt half-hearted and not right to me.  Speed was no different...we ran slow times as I knew something was wrong as she wouldn't go any faster which is unusual as well.  Other competitors asked me, "Doesn't she usually run faster?'  "She's just not feeling well tonight," was always my reply.  Now I was really not starting to feel well either.

Today she has her head tossing back and is in more pain...So who's the "stupid" one now I thought as I let Kitty enjoy some grass and told her how sorry I was.  How can you love me so much when I hurt you.  Thankfully, I know who to call in the morning, I just hope we can get scheduled fast and that it works again!  Last time something in her neck/poll was off and causing her all the pain and symptoms.  Please Pray for Kitty and me!

Now I find myself on a guilt trip...saying things like, Kitty would be better off with some person who didn't always hurt her and listened to her better!  What kind of a horsewoman do I think I am?  How can she love me through all this?  How can she keep a glowing personality through all I put her through and through all she goes through?  If my little buckskin could love me so much after what I put her through, I wondered if that was how God thought about me?  Here I am---a little messed up human being who struggles to keep her fingers out of doors, and her Christian self intact with how messed up and beat up just one day can get.....and God's telling me He loves me?  Even when I hurt Him.  Even when I don't listen.  Even when I'm stubborn and stupid.  Can God really love me that much?

I think He can.  Why?  He gave me this little buckskin as a token of His love.  Kitty is God's horse, but He asked the insignificant me to take care of her and God shows me how much He loves me through her.  Because if a horse that God created can love me this much, then my God must really, REALLY love me!

Yes.  I know that God loves me so much and He loves you too!   Thanks, God, for loving me through it all.....keep reminding me, I am weary and homesick.

Anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly!

This may not be a very good read....Several times I've tried to blog something, but come up empty...or maybe too full....too overwhelmed by the step Jesus is trying to teach me.  Some steps come easier than others.  This years step is tough....it seems higher than all the rest.

It's been a year where God is teaching me to trust Him.  I must not be learning very well as the step is painful....but God has been gentle too.  It was hard for me to tell God that He could have my horse because I knew she wasn't mine anyways....but God healed her.  She has been great for almost 3 months now!  I am so thankful that He is letting me take care of her longer!

I've had poor health this year too....viruses and RA flares, body pains, etc...it's kinda opened my eyes to how fragile my life is...most of the time I'm being held together by medical drugs....this isn't a blog about feeling sorry for me....it's just thoughts of late.

One Thought:  Being a Christian is not easy!  A REAL Christian.  Trusting Jesus is always easier when things are going good!  But "Anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly!" Taken out of Life's Lessons from a Horse Whisperer by Dr. Lew Sterrett.  It's not that I don't want to be an excellent worker of Jesus Christ....It's like horsemen Sterrett says, "The only way to do something with excellence is to start out doing things poorly, and then learn from your mistakes." It's tough! I wish I could just have a whole bunch of trust in Jesus without having to go through tough times and mistakes, but would I learn anything if everything always fell nicely into place?  Would I really trust Jesus with my life if I never had to lean on Him?

He also mentions in this book that what we need and what we want are two different things.  I really really want to be able to go places all over the United States with my horses...I have a saying, "I want to enjoy God's creation on His creation (my horse)"!  As I'm struggling with my body week after week and having one truck problem after another....I start to lose my trust in Jesus....saying things like, but God it's only 2 weeks out of the entire year!  If I'm this bad at this young, I'll never be able to go anywhere soon! Why can't you let me have fun?  Look at what I've had to go through!  Can't you give me a tiny break?  Others get to have fun....

Now, I have a twisted mind and also one that can think a little too deep for ones good, but I do know one thing: Proverbs 16:9 says, In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.  

I know this because I make plans and they sometimes go completely haywire! I can attest to this verse and submit that yes, The Lord has determined my steps.  It's NOT what I wanted.  But I needed it.  It's like that first let down you get when your parents tell you you can't do something that you really want to do because they know it will only hurt you....

Ah...but if you read Proverbs 16:3  Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

I'm not sure exactly what this verse means so I'd love your thoughts....but Proverbs is the book of wisdom and lately I could use some!  So I'm committing this horse vacation (for one example) that I want to do to Jesus.....I'm not sure what all needs to be committed...I feel that I planned alot without Him, but I thought He was okay with our decision to go to South Dakota.....He's even worked out a few details for us, but will our plans succeed?  What does that mean?  Succeed could mean lots of things like no one dies=success...that's just obvious right?  ;)  What if we make it all the way over there and one of us gets sick a horse gets lame?  Is our success only in getting there?

So let's now not overthink this verse....let's just go back to what the verse says Commit to the Lord...Commit means to Devote, Apply, Pledge...loads of good definitions....I need to first devote whatever I do to God....because the Lord determines our steps. Ugh..why do I feel that there are people who don't commit anything to God and still have success! And people who commit everything to God and seem to have no success!

I'm learning that sometimes our reward or success isn't in this lifetime, it's in the next one!  I'm talking about when we have died and gone to Heaven to be with Jesus!  Maybe my trip through life won't be a success in this lifetime, maybe I won't get what I want....maybe all I will get is what I need to be successful in gaining my ultimate want and desire to be with Jesus forever....to hug Jesus!

I mentioned earlier in a blog that the hugging lines to Jesus in Heaven must be long and they might be....but Jesus gave me a little insight for that today....Human hugs don't last....you get a hug and it lasts for a few seconds if that and the warmth of that hug and love is gone quickly as you need another and another.....but when Jesus gives you a hug....it will last FOREVER!!!  The warmth will always be there and the love will never leave you!  Even after Jesus's hug is physically over, you will feel it forever!  So really, He never stops hugging you!  Chills.  Jesus's Love is Lasting!  Wow!  I want that Hug!

Are you balanced?

The other day, I was horseback riding (surprise! ;) ) bareback and thinking that I hadn't ridden bareback for awhile and wondering if my balance would be off....I have a very springy horse that takes more balance to ride bareback but it is so good for leg muscles and riding balance so I do it!

Riding everyday helps to keep your riding skills necessary for balance, training, and knowledge of the horse.  I'm told if you want to ride your whole life you need to ride your whole life!  Balance is so important in riding! If your horse spooks, trips, jumps, bucks, rears, bolts, etc. how well your balance is will determine whether you stay up or fall off.

While riding, thoughts began....Wonder how balanced I am spiritually?  What does it take to be spiritually balanced?  Am I a balanced Christian or am I ready to fall off next trial?

If I stopped riding horses for a month, my balance would be off next ride...bad? maybe not. but perhaps not as confident and surely not as smooth.  The less I ride, the less balance I would get.

If I stopped reading God's word and praying to God, my spiritual life would be unbalanced. I get a funny picture of a beginner on horse-back who gets on bareback with no instructions and asks the horse for a trot.....and splat they are on the ground tasting dirt in a matter of seconds.  I find it to be the same way with my spiritual balance.....If I'm not reading God's word and talking with Him, I'm liable to fall on my face and eat Satan's dirt next trial I face!

Keep your spiritual life balanced so Satan can't throw you off!

Above: Riding with my cousin Rachel at High Knob in Shawnee

Below:  Keep your balance even when life is going upside down!  Kitty tolerating me for a "headstand."