Learning to be Thankful during a hard season

As Thanksgiving approaches, I try to focus on my blessings....which are many.....but I also seem to focus on everything that has changed and won't be the same.  This will be the first Thanksgiving without my Dad.  First Thanksgiving, I'm not working full time and doing what I love.  First Thanksgiving, I'm not eating a lot of yummy food (crazy diet) because my body is trying to kill me! (Auto immune diseases/inflammation) First Thanksgiving, I'm really wondering if I can be genuinely thankful and filled with hope in this holiday season.  Does God really have any good plans for me in my future and will this painful season ever end?  I trust God does. I have to believe that or I can't make it, Id just give up.  

Yes, it going to be hard getting together with family seeing knowing and feeling Dad is gone.  But my Dad is with Jesus and that is what's gonna bring me thankfulness this Thanksgiving.  I will see him again. 

Do I miss working with horses? Absolutely. Working with people is much harder for me! Going from full time and first shift and being appreciated to part time second shift and not readily appreciated or even remembered is incredibly difficult.  Working for a family and then for a corporation is very different. Corporations have lots of rules and we don't care what you think is good for you or them we will tell you what's good for you and them etc....so so frustrating, but let's save that rabbit trail for another time.

I have had to give up lots of family time and some horse ministry opportunities.  Shoot one night after work I came home and everyone was gone socializing with family...it hurts to miss out so much especially when you're still hurting. I even sang why I hate 2nd shift so much in the shower at the top of my lungs.  It was either that or cry.  God reminded me that all those people I work with rarely get to hang out with family too so my job was to love them like God loves me.  Be family to them as God has made me His family.

Can I be thankful for my health when it forced me to quit my job and could possibly make me give up the reason I work (to own horses)?  Can I be thankful if God allows me to become a cripple? I hate pain.  I can't live everyday with it God, it's too hard. Heal me or kill me.

What future is there for me?  If it's not good, just take me out now, please God. Just make sure it's quick. I'm not a good sufferer.

Have you ever been so full of questions for God but He's silent?  So God if you don't answer me what I should do, is it up to me to pick something? Has your heart ever hurt so much that you just need a hug from God?  Do you ever feel like God just flung you into the lions den with no plans to get you out?  Have you ever felt like this?

Whoa. Let's slow down here and remember that our lives here will not last forever.  I know life right now seems unfair, seems hard, seems unbearable and seems painful...because it is for me and maybe it is for you too and I'm not going to even try to tell you to just be happy about it cuz I sure ain't! 

But here's something to remember: God does have a plan for you! Your job is to trust His plan. God does love you. Your job is to believe that He loves you. God does have a future for you. Continue to pursue God. Read. Pray. Cry and yell if you need to from time to time. But continue to pursue God even when God is silent in your life. 

I have to confess that God is not silent in my life.  He might be silent on where I'm suppose to work and if my body will ever heal and if I'll ever get out of this Lions den season....but He is very clear that He still loves me and that He can use me despite how fallen apart I feel.  It doesn't matter where you go or what you're doing, if you have a good relationship with God, and you're trying to seek God even in a very tough season, God will use you! Because if you can follow God and shine for Him through this tough season, God will never stop loving you and providing for you during any season!! Your faith and trust in God will grow to new heights and that is exactly what God wants.  More of you. More of your heart. For you to say, "God I don't know what you're doing in my life and I don't understand it but I trust you."

Dear God poem/update

Sorry no updates lately as I was hoping to post that God got me out of this fiery trial but instead He seems to be keeping me in it and it's getting harder rather than easier. I honestly can't see much good in my life right now and the good I see seems like God is on the verge of taking that away too.  How would you be doing if God took your health away and caused you pain everyday, took a family member who loved and supported you and took your full time job that you loved away...and then He is silent.

A poem I wrote in my struggle:

Dear God, I admit I'm depressed.

My situation has got me stressed.

I feel like giving up you see

As you don't seem to realize what all is happening to me.

There comes a time when it's harder to live than die

Life keeps getting harder no matter how hard I try.

I'd like you to just get me gone,

But for some reason, you let me keep struggling on.

I ask You why do I have to live another day

When I have to walk this painful way?

What can I possibly do now for you

When you've taken away all that I use to do?!

I'm lonely and sad. Abandoned broke and weak.

I'm not sure I can handle another defeat.

Why is it God that I'm still here?

All I face is unknowns and fear!

I don't have anything left to give...

So why is it that you let me live?

Your silence is hard to understand

Because, in my heart, I know you have a plan!

Lord, I'm trying to read and pray

But I can't seem to do it everyday.

Forgive me for failing you Lord.

Help me to once again pick up my spiritual sword

As I don't want to be left alone in my dark season

Please give me a passion for you and a reason

To keep going on when everything goes wrong...

Because God, I want you to make me strong!

Amen.

Perhaps you have caught yourself saying a similar prayer. You don't know how to go on and you seem consumed by the devil and fiery trials. And it would be easier if God would just come get us or rescue us!! But for some reason God doesn't always do that.  He wants us to endure. And that can be tough cuz others peoples lives are going great and ours are a mess...

But here is one answer God gave me through a David Wilkerson sermon.  The reason you aren't giving up, the reason you can keep going...though it makes no sense to you to do that is because of the Holy Spirit in your life.  Yes it's because of God! How encouraging this was for me to hear! The reason I can go on is not because of me but Him. And I'm happy God is still living in me...such a relief. As much as I'm struggling to know God is still in me gives me endurance again.

Keep Pulling!

 I have been teaching Amos and Revelations (Revy) to accept the harness attached to them by practice and patience.  I have not yet added a cart until... Yesterday!! Yay! My horse riding pal, Claire, came for a visit to ride so since I had the extra help we hooked up Amos to the light 2 horse cart.  It took a lot of time to get things adjusted to safely proceed.  He did great waiting and wondering what in the world I was going to be doing with him today.  

Amos decided the cart was ok behind. After all  he has gotten use to me ground driving behind him and all my shenanigans behind him so he was ok with that as I led him.  Then I climbed in and Claire led him around with me in the cart. He was uncertain but then adjusted and followed Claire.  Then the next step was to have Claire let go and see if he could be brave on his own without someone to cling/look to for security...to trust my voice and my directions for him even with the added pulling weight and the newness of pulling against  resistance.... something he has never experienced. Amos had to trust that I would keep him safe through a tough new skill. Amos had a ton of try and he ended up doing fabulous for his first solo drive. You want your horse totally responsive to turning stopping and moving forward otherwise backwards moving in a cart without control can be very hazardous.

I only share this story to point out something God was trying to share with me.  I know I'm harnessed by God...I'm His and He is mine but sometimes it can feel like God doesn't know what He's doing in my life...I feel so much resistance I want to freeze up like Amos would try unsure of any movement at all...sometimes I get very unsure if I can trust my God with the reins because I don't understand the process of what He's trying to teach or do with me...in fact it seems much harder to trust when resistance is felt and experienced.  Amos had to learn to push through the resistance that once those cart wheels started rolling and he followed the path I wanted of him things got easier.  I think that's the lesson God wanted me to remember. God was trying to tell me, Sandy, I've put my harness on you and I need you to keep pulling towards me no matter how great the resistance feels in your life.  I know it's hard but keep pulling towards me.  It only gets easier when you learn to trust me.

This Is Not My Journey

My life has taken so many drastic changes in the last few months.  It really reminds me that this life is not my own but God's.  This is absolutely not the journey I would have chosen but it is the journey God has chosen for me.  Even though I don't like it or even hate it at times, I still have Hope...even though some days I feel like Hope is just not there anymore...I am choosing to believe that God is not done with me yet and that perhaps He has something better in mind for me and perhaps I'll even like it?  Because, as I learned from Bill, a dear brother in Christ, who has also just recently gone to be with Jesus after a hard hard battle with cancer.... You have to believe that God is in control otherwise you won't be able to make it in a hard painful journey.  You have to let go of what if I did this or

 that...maybe I wouldn't be in this situation...cuz when you start doing that all the control lies on you when really you never had any control....you're not that powerful.  You have to believe that where you are today is right where God wants you and you let God have control and trust that whether things change for the better or worse...God is still in control.

That can be really hard. You have to choose to not hate God for the hard journey He has given you.  See it's easy to love God when you love your journey.  You have the perfect job, the perfect house the perfect spouse, perfect health, perfect stability, perfect finances perfect relationships ...but what if God takes one or more of those things away? Can you still journey on with God when He lets so much difficulty and pain into your life?  What if God doesn't let your journey get any better? Can you still walk that journey with Him?  

Sometimes I wish I could see how much longer my journey on the earth is...or if God could let me know how much more pain I have to go through till my journey is over.  But God chooses to not tell us.  Why because He desires our love of Him to be so big so deep that our bodies become a living sacrifice to Him...it comes down to trusting God every step of our journey.  

I don't know how to trust that deep yet...perhaps God, in His mercy and love for me will help me learn to trust His ways are better than mine and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. 

Right now things are tough.  I am experiencing the hardest times ever in my own personal lifetime.  I am overwhelmed. Exhausted and in pain. Confused and frustrated.  The only reason I can't be continually mad at God is because I need Him so much.  In every part of my life.  He has exhausted my resources so I must trust Him.  

Quick health update: Praise God!! I passed all my MRI tests and biopsies no cancer was found! I am currently seeing through zoom an Australian nutritionist in which we are taking supplements and taking stool samples and cutting out gluten dairy and soy products.  However, you can still buy me chocolate!! Walmart and Kroger still has dairy and soy free dark chocolate!! Actually, Cacao is one thing I need to eat more of so 70 to 85 percent cacao chocolate is totally in for me!!! Yes!!! So see you can still get me chocolates!!  Ok so I researched this nutritionist and he has helped over 500 people with gut and autoimmune diseases so maybe God will choose to help me through this guy...hope so he costs a lot and this is the most I've spent on myself.  Well if God chooses to not heal me it won't be because I didn't try! Currently I'm working part time at a nursing home but will need another plan or more hours to help pay for things.  My body's inflammation is still high so my feet and ankles can hardly stand and walk most days without hurting. I have a cripples walk in the morning..can barely do steps than by afternoon I can usually walk ok and do steps again. Hands and wrists are very inflamed too.  We went to see my RA Dr and he suggested starting a new med but was ok not starting it yet unless I get worse. I want to see if supplements and diet do anything.  Plus I hate putting those strong meds that can cause cancer into me...but my RA Dr pointed out I'm at a high risk for cancer and other stuff if we don't get inflammation down.  Boy nothing like being up against walls either way!! 😫 Still taking methotrexate and 4mg of Prednisone per day along with bunches of supplements.  

I'm thinking of going into house sitting or pet sitting like taking care of your house and pets while your on vacation...just the very basics.  Really I'm probably doing as much as I can with my old sick body but am loving taking care of my neighbors 2 horses and cleaning stalls again!! Will see what happens but prices keep going up and I'll do what it takes to get money coming in...course that's again up to God and my health.  Out of my control.

Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers and support! I appreciate all of it so much! I'd rather be the cheerleader than the one that needs cheering but thanking God for you all! 

Enjoy some cute pics of Amos and Revy learning new tricks! 

Until next update, keep journeying on the path God has before you, friend, He has better days ahead for us.  Choose to stay with Him even when you'd rather leave.  Choose to read that Bible and pray often for that is sometimes the only peace we can experience on a hectic journey.

Is God done with me? Brokenness abounds.

Have you ever asked God that question...are you done with me? Because God has stripped me of my beloved Dad, beloved job, health and any control or stability I ever thought I had....and I feel He has stripped me of my identity.  I'm so hurt, it's hard to think straight.  My life my future my health my horse ministry completely struck down right now... possibly forever...Did I not hear you correctly God? Have I only imagined recognizing your voice in my life? My passion for the broken and weak and broken and weak horses...was that not from You? Or are you just done using me? Am I suppose to do something else?...than what? Silence. It's the answer I continue to get from God. Yes my identity is that I'm a child of God....not a horse trainer...not a missionary...but a very broken child of God. A child that God loves not because I'm talented in anyway but just because I'm His. Im completely at His mercy for how He chooses to use me.  I must confess it was never my talents that God used...he has always used my brokenness. And I have much of that lately....I'm not even sure how to put one foot in front of the other because of the continual pain physically (literally walking is painful) and spiritually.  I know that God still loves me and can use me cuz I'm still breathing. I just have no idea how He'll do it. I feel completely useless and helpless...in utter reliance on God for health, financial aide and spiritual direction.  I still spend time crying and praying God help me because I have no idea what I'm doing or what you're doing in my life.  Please guide me, God, as I know so many of my decisions have been hasty due to pain or just plain survival instincts or just those ordinary life decisions that need answers. 

I really enjoyed the ways that God has used me and am so thankful that He let me share my passion for horses and Jesus for so long. I hope He's not done with that but I'm letting Him know and praising Him for that opportunity.  When I think of all that God has let me do in horse ministry and the way He has moved not only my heart but many hearts,.....my tears overflow from gratefulness.  And perhaps a little bitterness as I don't understand why God would want that to stop.  Perhaps God doesn't. I don't know. Silence is what I hear.

One thing that you and I have to realize is that our enemy absolutely hates God's children and he will take his wrath and hate for God out on God's children.  

I've been trying to rest in God but my week has been so crazy it seems there is no time to rest or I'm too exhausted and overwhelmed to rest or making too many fast decisions.  

God did give me a bit of hope a rainbow so to speak in my current storm.  I believe God's still using me. Spiritually and physically mentally and emotionally I do not feel fit enough for God to even use an ounce of anything but again, I know God can use our brokenness and uselessness for His glory. Amen to that! It's all I can offer Him. 

Last Tuesday evening I was suppose to teach at Esther House but was on the phone with a nutritionist from Australia to try to get me set up with tests and supplements to see if we cant find a root cause to all this pain and suffering my body is going through. Not cheap but worth it if it'll help my pain and inflammation go down!  He gave me so much time that I had to have my mom call in to say I can't make it tonight. But instead was told to come late..."We love Sandy!" Why was that so encouraging? Cuz I don't like Sandy right now and can't figure out why anyone would! I have no strength no spiritual might no funds no mission no dreams or motivation to offer anyone....only complete brokenness and just a bit of faith in God left. So I went and God got all the glory cuz Sandy is too broken and stripped to offer anything but Jesus cuz that seems to be all I have to boast about lately...Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so....I just don't see or feel His love or understand what He is doing in my life right now.  I love to experience God in my life and it is possible to feel God and I crave that! So now I must try to believe it when I can't feel it.

Picture of my barn that needs fixing too brokenness abounds right now for sure. I actually asked my barn this question the other day, "if you're so holy, why don't you fix yourself?" Haha! Another reminder that us believers need God's holiness in our lives cuz we are broken and need Him to mend us. Cry out to Jesus.

Has God cast you into the fire?!

 It's Day 29 of the Lion Diet and it's not doing a thing for me. I finally cheated this week. I had fresh pumpkin seeds and I made a healthy dessert of peanut butter and maple syrup and semi sweet chocolate chips cooked that up and it was at least an unprocessed healthy dessert.  I've been so hard core in this diet but I'm losing hope...the very reason I began this diet was to keep my job at the horse farm....but my body gave out on me and it seems God literally forced me to quit my beloved job.  I really need a job especially with all my upcoming medical bills so trusting God will supply something. Secondly, I did not want to become a cripple so my discipline was amazing for this diet...but looks like I'm a cripple or headed there as my pain is the worst it's ever been.  ( I am currently taking a  round of Prednisone which is helping bring down pain thankfully) This Monday, I go in for a CT scan of my chest abdomen and pelvis to check for cancer.  Yeah...cancer...I feel kinda doomed as I asked my hemotologist if he thought I could have cancer and he told me yes you are at a high risk for cancer... Since doctors and meds won't work to bring down my inflammation, I need to get checked for cancer as that can cause inflammation to be so persistent.  Wow God has cast me into the fire with all that is happening in my life. Sometimes I'm just very speechless as I sit quietly and ponder my life right now and wonder why God won't even let me or my family have a breather.  I find at times my body is frozen and I'm unable to move from either shock or perhaps just plain confusion at where God is leading me.  I have never been in a valley this deep dark and discouraging.  Im completely overwhelmed.  Every day presents another problem.

I know God's with me in this valley but I can't hear Him.  Perhaps He knows I'm unable to bear what He has to say to me so He's waiting till I'm ready to listen.  I see God's hand in my life but where is His voice? I feel like chaff aimlessly blowing from one discouragement to the next and all I can mutter to pray consistently is God help me.  

So how can I encourage my fellow sufferers...I read this in Isaiah 30 today, Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, This is the way; walk in it." I'm asking God to open my ears to His voice and that I could recognize His voice when He says, Sandy this is the way walk in it.

Second encouragement. I do not consider myself to be worth much. I'm no preacher. No teacher. No big gun for Jesus so I question if I even fit into this category. But I was listening to a David Wilkerson sermon on why God let's some believers go through fire, through "hell" and continual suffering if you will.  Why are some believers persecuted non stop and others seem to have minimal problems. Many reasons but here's just one reason.  God is looking for believers who will walk through fire and follow Him through all kinds of sufferings because those are the believers who testify of God's glorious might in their lives and give God the most glory because these believers have learned to trust God through anything!!! Whatever comes their way!! Nothing can break this believers faith!! And faith pleases God! This is the testimony our world needs to see the most! God can use this testimony and desires this kind of testimony.  God can use this believer more and more to proclaim Himself through because this believer knows it's not about what they've done for God, but about what God has done for them. They give God the complete glory! You'd think God would protect these believers for there amazing desire of Him and there Faith in Him but instead He allows all this bad stuff because He knows they are fully surrendered to Him and are letting God have complete control in there lives. This is a life God will use. Desires to use. Longs to use. But not many are willing to be used like this. So be encouraged if God has you in the fire today. Trust Him. He will use you because you aren't in a position to get any glory...only God gets the glory and what a testimony we then get to be for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Our glory fades but God's glory shines! Isn't this what we are hear for? To bring glory and praise to God?! 

Beef. Salt. Water. Day 14 Update

The first week on the diet went great for the most part! Beef isn't so bad! And woohoo let's do this and feel better! I'm sick of being sick and I really want to feel better and be healed.  Let's do this! Big shout out to my Mom for preparing my meals and all I gotta do is heat it up! I have been so exhausted and in lots of pain she's really been helping me stick to this crazy diet! Hats off to you Mom! She even stopped buying tempting snacks! 💕🥰

Week two: ok I have a beef with beef here....it's all I eat everyday...so intensely boring! I say intense because it's hard!! My goodness have I been tempted so many times to cheat!!! With God's help I have not cheated. Coming home from work today I was freezing and normally I'd have a hot cacao or Mom's hot chocolate or cappuccino to warm me up...but what do I get!??...hot water! Ugh it's so frustrating.  I really want chocolate and stuffed crust pizza right now....oh and then my social life is a mess!! This introvert is becoming more introverted because I can't be around food (cuz I'm ravenous for food I can't have) and parties and family gatherings have food!!! Before you judge me though, let me remind you I have made it to 2

 weeks!! I know what I'm doing is not easy and I do so desperately desire healing so I have to run from temptations and yell like a drill sergeant at myself or vent.  I'm realizing this must be a common side affect. Oh boy...I really do hope and pray I can eat more food once my body goes into remission! Yes Remission I'm still hopeful! 🙏 I'm told through reading others information that in 4 to 6 weeks I should feel a difference and if I haven't by 3 months it probably won't work.😭 Although one site says 6 months...?? Example of a meal. I put Himalayan pink salt on it too. Salt helps me drink a little more plus it can help curve cravings.

Food is definitely a comfort for us humans isn't it? It brings us together and here in America we have so much of it we don't know what being thankful for beef to eat really means for some people or other nations.  

Here are some of my findings this week.  I'm still in lots of pain and have a ton of inflammation...my right hand has two inflammation bubbles now.  I'm more agitated and wiped out... possibly more in pain and inflamed too...less quality sleep or wake up every hour or 2 because my body is in pain or achey.  I also get nauseous every so often...it's not bad but it's annoying I'm praying these are all signs of detoxing as I had looked up symptoms for that.  Things usually get worse before they get better. That's what I'm reminding myself anyway. 

 Good side affects of eating beef for 14 days.  It fills you up and you stay full longer. You always know what's for dinner. And I have lost at least 5lbs probably more. 

My favorite dishes include ground beef, steak and hamburger patties (they are like the new cereal bar! Easy to grab and eat on the go!) or even a good roast!! so if you want to have me over to eat and provide a dish that I can eat those are my favorites. Just make sure the meat doesn't have any additional additives. I can also eat bison/deer/ and lamb...Just started on some ground deer meat.  

Random fact. You do have to eat quite a bit of meat so we have been going through meat fast cuz that's all I can eat! 

Seems I have covered a small milestone. Keep the prayers coming! My body is definitely suffering greatly and my days are really tough to get through but I know my God is able to see me through! 

Desperate for Healing

Ever been desperate for something or someone that you do something drastic or...desperate. "Desperate times call for desperate measures!" As Pastor Shane would say. I agree. The church can't just keep going like it always has....and Christians can't just do what we've always done. We need God like never before in this country and in our world....But when will we actually be desperate for God to move...when will we be ready to quit playing games and get serious with God? What is God going to have to do to you or in your life for you to get serious. After all we are here for God and to proclaim His Truth to stand firm because truth doesn't change. But I've blogged about this topic before so let's get into desperate for healing. 

Boy how many of us are desperate for some kind of healing these days? I know we don't always get healing or relief because God has other plans for us and we don't always get God on that...we just have to trust He knows what He's doing and He can use us as is. God will heal us one day if we are a believer in Him but for now we walk with pain and problems. 

But how desperate are we really for healing? Are we willing to go through a very hard journey? To give up many things we love? To go against our flesh? To be in constant battle? To always be attacked and exhausted? To go after something so much and not even know if it's achievable! To spend time effort lack of sleep and research just in hopes to gain an answer?  I'd say, you know how it is to be desperate.

So here's why I am desperate for healing...my health keeps getting worse and worse every year. I now have been diagnosed with RA, Fibromyalgia, chronic Fatigue and Lupus not to mention uti's and migraines. This year my health is at an all time low and I fear if it keeps up like this I soon will not be able to work, ride my horses, help Mom around the house do horse ministry or do anything or have any quality of life because of the overwhelming amount of pain and inflammation currently in my body. I know I look normal...but is it normal to be in pain just standing up? Is it normal to have no motivation to get out of bed cuz you'll know you'll really be in pain once you try to move your body.  

My hemotology results were praise the Lord no new disorders but Im at a triple high threat to getting blot clots...more labs and another Dr. Visit to follow in 4 weeks.  So adding a baby aspirin to my daily pills to help keep blood from clotting. Being only 32, and unable to walk without pain and do things because I'm so exhausted and not having Drs know what to do for me or worse making me worse, I hit my desperate for health mode.  I told the doctor, I'm too young to not be able to walk and do things without pain sometimes very intense pain! Pain gets to you... physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  I began to research and pray and beg God for help...I also recruited any person to pray for me that I knew would. Then I just had to wait for God to move. 

I'm not the desperate type. I like being lazy when it comes to health. I don't want any restrictions. I'm already sick shouldn't I at least have some comfort food like chocolate and peanut butter? Don't I deserve to have tasty stuff when my body is so in pain and sick...that's my right right? For awhile God has been calling me to something I just haven't known what? Or maybe I just didn't want to do it. But when your health is rapidly declining and there arent many suggestions besides let's switch big meds...you get desperate for better answers. 

 God has led me to try the Carnivore diet. It's where you only eat meat and animal products. No fruit no sugar no carbs no gluten no dairy no veggies no nothing just meat. Currently, this is Day 4. I'm just eating beef. salt. and water right now. Is it hard? Yes but living in pain everyday from low to severe is quite motivating!!! Long story short. My research says that 56percent of the people who tried this diet had autoimmune diseases and out of that percentage 89 percent said they resolved there disease or experienced significant pain and inflammation relief.  Another study shows that back in the 1800s or 1900s Dr. Salisbury told his RA patients if you want to go into remission eat red meat and hence we have Salisbury steak named after this doctor. Apparently, this treatment was way more common and helped but I never was told about it in fact quite the opposite...to stay away from red meat!

Obviously I don't know if this will help as I'm only on Day 4 but I'm praying God can heal me through this because I can not keep doing life with this pain and all these health problems! I desire a better quality of life...I want to want to get out of bed! I want to do more for God and not be exhausted! I want to be able to get on my horse without struggle and stay on her without pain! I want to keep a job and work hard like a horse gal needs too! I want to have the energy and health to be around for my family and friends!  So I'll probably add to this list of reasons why I have have MUST stick to this limiting diet and punch cravings and shoot temptations because so much is at steak..hmm pun intended but in all seriousness my health is bad and that's not funny.  Please pray for me. That I can resist temptation stay true to this diet and my body would heal or feel better soon.  I'm desperate for healing. Desperate to touch the hem of His garment. I don't know where I'll find myself at the end of this journey. Healed or still very sick. I just know that God knows I'm desperate for Him and I'm proving it by throwing an idol away in my life...food.

Health Update/Family update

All of you probably know by now that my Dad lost his battle with cancer but gained forever with Jesus on December 23.  Even through it all God heard our prayers and took my Dad without making him suffer too long and he got to spend one more Christmas with the Kieser family.  

Honestly life seemed to stop for awhile for us.  The grief hits hard and then it's like your walking and going through your day reading your Bible and trying to pray but you don't really know what you're doing...it's like a fog comes over you and sits on you for awhile and it's heavy.  You go through a time of questioning....God why did Dad have to get cancer? Why couldn't the treatments work? I wasn't ready to let go yet...I still had learning to gain from my Dad.  I learned I had to call out to my Heavenly Father...my dear God because I didn't understand. I knew God loved my family and my Dad but I was still full of hurt and complete exhaustion.  Standing in the funeral line my body was completely shaking afterwards.  During the line before the funeral service I had to sit down because I felt faint.  But even during that time, I just want to thank my family and friends neighbors and church for praying for us and your outpouring of love on me and my family.  You helped us realize God will help us through so thanks for sharing His love with us and being His hands and feet. 

To help get myself out of the fog, I asked if Mom Ted and I could pray together at night. We always need Jesus but felt like we needed Him even more since everything was just hard. So we have begun praying together and it's been great to check in on each other almost everything night.  It has really helped. Praise God. We are all doing ok. Lots of new challenges/changes ahead but we have God helping us through them. Taking one day at a time helps.

Ok remember those blood tests that my RA Dr had me get? The results are in and I have mildly high platelets and my antiphospholipid antibodies are also mildly positive. I'm told I'm at a greater risk of blood clots and told that I need to go hemotology for further evaluation....I found out about this Monday. Not so good of a day for me especially when you have a cancer center calling you to make an appointment.  Doesn't God know what my poor family has already been through?  Sure He does.  My memory verse this week was super appropriate. 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

I love this verse! Yes I'm super weak and my body is completely messed up...I'm even getting over another migraine as I type this.  Previously I had them every other day or so but have recently gone around 2 and a half to 3 weeks without one so that's a praise....ugh I hate em though! Also my MRI was normalish so another praise God moment. I'm exhausted but yet I love Jesus and I want to make sure you know that it is Him and Him alone that is my strength a d joy through this tough journey.  That's Him you see in me! I can't get up in the morning without His strength, I can't train horses without His wisdom, I can't encourage others without His love for me.  I will choose to boast about Jesus no matter how weak my body becomes because I do so need Christ's power resting on me.

I would very much appreciate prayers though as the devil is a great discourager. And I really really don't want another disease or disorder or ? I'd rather Jesus just take me quick....send another chariot for me God like you did for Elijah!  What a way to go!!