As Thanksgiving approaches, I try to focus on my blessings....which are many.....but I also seem to focus on everything that has changed and won't be the same. This will be the first Thanksgiving without my Dad. First Thanksgiving, I'm not working full time and doing what I love. First Thanksgiving, I'm not eating a lot of yummy food (crazy diet) because my body is trying to kill me! (Auto immune diseases/inflammation) First Thanksgiving, I'm really wondering if I can be genuinely thankful and filled with hope in this holiday season. Does God really have any good plans for me in my future and will this painful season ever end? I trust God does. I have to believe that or I can't make it, Id just give up.
Yes, it going to be hard getting together with family seeing knowing and feeling Dad is gone. But my Dad is with Jesus and that is what's gonna bring me thankfulness this Thanksgiving. I will see him again.
Do I miss working with horses? Absolutely. Working with people is much harder for me! Going from full time and first shift and being appreciated to part time second shift and not readily appreciated or even remembered is incredibly difficult. Working for a family and then for a corporation is very different. Corporations have lots of rules and we don't care what you think is good for you or them we will tell you what's good for you and them etc....so so frustrating, but let's save that rabbit trail for another time.
I have had to give up lots of family time and some horse ministry opportunities. Shoot one night after work I came home and everyone was gone socializing with family...it hurts to miss out so much especially when you're still hurting. I even sang why I hate 2nd shift so much in the shower at the top of my lungs. It was either that or cry. God reminded me that all those people I work with rarely get to hang out with family too so my job was to love them like God loves me. Be family to them as God has made me His family.
Can I be thankful for my health when it forced me to quit my job and could possibly make me give up the reason I work (to own horses)? Can I be thankful if God allows me to become a cripple? I hate pain. I can't live everyday with it God, it's too hard. Heal me or kill me.
What future is there for me? If it's not good, just take me out now, please God. Just make sure it's quick. I'm not a good sufferer.
Have you ever been so full of questions for God but He's silent? So God if you don't answer me what I should do, is it up to me to pick something? Has your heart ever hurt so much that you just need a hug from God? Do you ever feel like God just flung you into the lions den with no plans to get you out? Have you ever felt like this?
Whoa. Let's slow down here and remember that our lives here will not last forever. I know life right now seems unfair, seems hard, seems unbearable and seems painful...because it is for me and maybe it is for you too and I'm not going to even try to tell you to just be happy about it cuz I sure ain't!
But here's something to remember: God does have a plan for you! Your job is to trust His plan. God does love you. Your job is to believe that He loves you. God does have a future for you. Continue to pursue God. Read. Pray. Cry and yell if you need to from time to time. But continue to pursue God even when God is silent in your life.
I have to confess that God is not silent in my life. He might be silent on where I'm suppose to work and if my body will ever heal and if I'll ever get out of this Lions den season....but He is very clear that He still loves me and that He can use me despite how fallen apart I feel. It doesn't matter where you go or what you're doing, if you have a good relationship with God, and you're trying to seek God even in a very tough season, God will use you! Because if you can follow God and shine for Him through this tough season, God will never stop loving you and providing for you during any season!! Your faith and trust in God will grow to new heights and that is exactly what God wants. More of you. More of your heart. For you to say, "God I don't know what you're doing in my life and I don't understand it but I trust you."
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