The Healing Part of PAIN

 PAIN......I know it forwards, backwords, upside down, and inside out.  It's likely you've experienced it as well.  Most of us have gone through some kind of pain.  We will try anything to ease pain or to get rid of it completely.  Why does God allow so much pain to certain people and only a pinch to others?  Why do we even have to experience any level of pain?

Just today, it's like the right side of my body is boiling in pain. Couldn't move my shoulder, elbow or ankle without much difficulty and pain.  I drove with my left hand.  I skipped riding my horse after work.  I was a sight climbing stairs just now.  Over the years, I've adapted to using the less painful/swollen parts of my body to working harder as to make up for the weak, painful, immobile parts.  That usually gets me through the day however muscles and joints that were not sore before are now sore from getting the brunt of the work which then leads to your whole body in pain the rest of the day and oftentimes into the night.  It's an exhausting, vicious cycle, but one I and many others have to live with.  

At times, I can't think of any benefits from pain, but pain has actually been a good teacher for me...it's made me see things differently.  When pain persists, and I'm in a teachable mood, it triggers me to start thinking and wondering about stuff that really matters.

As a believer in Jesus Christ, it causes me to really really rely on God for my physical needs and has also made me more feeling and sympathetic for others going through difficulties.  That in turn is one point of healing I get from pain.  Before pain, I never truly cared for anyone going through tough times, I was just glad it wasn't me.  Now my heart aches for others.   So God has used my pain to heal my selfish heart.  I've always wanted a heart like God and to be more like Him and pain is how He does this for me.  

I've asked God in painful moments...."What should I be doing for You while I'm still here?  Is there anything I can be doing even through all this pain.  Am I useful to You for something even during all this?"  Just living for Him and not giving up (Like Job) is one lesson He teaches me from pain. Pain can’t separate me from God. He is with me through the pain and it helps me knowing that my God can feel my pain and I know He can’t wait to heal me completely one day but for now I must serve Him through pain.

Pain has taught me to be thankful for little things like sharing a moment with a friend or family member. It’s also the little things like enjoying a walk with my dog or ride on my horses or having enough energy to dance and run! Pain teaches me to enjoy the moments of less pain or pain free days which hasn’t happened in a while….bummer but when it does I’ll be really thankful!!!

Perhaps most importantly, pain has even taught me to love God better.  I spend more time alone with Him during pain...not really sure anyone else would want to spend as much time with me as He has during my painful days, I'm not exactly fun in pain.  I know that some really do pray and sympathize with me (I love you guys!) they just don't understand me or the pain as much as my God does.  

I'm thankful that God sees the real me even through the pain.  He knows I'm weak and a mess, yet He loves to be with me even during my worst when I can barely offer Him anything.  You know what He tells me?  When I'm at my worst, when it hurts, when I'm frail, when my wisdom is lacking, when my strength is gone.....He tells me I can still love.  I can love Him and I can love others.  It's not hard.  In fact you can do both just by praying.  I love others because I love God and God calls us to love.  There are those of you who are easier to love like family but try loving them without first loving God. 

Pain is a good reminder to focus on what is real and lasting in my life,  Like my relationship with God.  Pain may break me down quite alot, but it builds me into the person that God wants me to be....real.  A real believer in Jesus focused on Him and what matters to Him.  Because pain is real and so is God.  Have you lost your focus on what is real and really matters?  

Pain helps keep me in check with this. I just want to be here to honor and love my God and proclaim His love for me and share it with others.  I want to love so real because He has changed me...and through me He changes others to see that it isn't me loving them, it's the REAL God in me loving them!  Wow can you imagine if we all loved this real?  As in God's real.  Not our best human real, but really loving like our heavenly God.    Ask God to make you real...His real.  You don't need to experience pain to be real for God.  Our world is falling apart because we aren't focused on the real GOD who gives us real answers to get through life.  Not many know how to be real for Him anymore.  Break your self. Let God build you.  Do less for yourself.  Do more for Him.  

Thanks Jesus for giving me a reminder to be real for you.  Though I'm ok with a little break from pain now and then!  ;) 

PAIN

Prepares you to be who God desires you to be

Analyzes what needs changing

Informs you to what really matters in life

Nudges you closer to a better relationship with God

What is Rheumatoid Disease? How you can help me!

I'm going to take a break from the normal blogs I post to help you understand what RA is.  So most of you may be clicking away from this boring post as you've seen me and think.....what's the big deal with that disease?  You look normal to me!

Unfortunately Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) is falsely named as it is not an arthritis (so please don't tell me it is) but a very serious immune system disorder/disease which affects your tissues, joints and the rest of your life!  If you were to look up a definition online you'd get something like this: a chronic progressive disease causing inflammation in the joints and resulting in painful deformity and immobility, especially in the fingers, wrists, feet, and ankles.   

 However, as bad as that sounds...you don't have the complete definition.  It affects all of your body including your heart and lungs and teeth!  So to summarize:  You will have this disease the rest of your life.  It will get worse.  You will experience alot of pain.  You will have deformed joints. (Already 3 of my fingers are deformed)  You will experience immobility. (No joke...lots of joints are unliftable during bad days for me)  Oh yes and it's incurable!  All of which is overwhelmingly bad news.

When I was told I had RA, I never understood how horrible this disease was...In fact, I was in denial....I thought I was strong enough and could persevere through it.  I was also mad, confused and doctors told me I would have to be on drugs (that could present adverse affects) the rest of my life.

Going to the doctor and hearing no cure is not a good day for a patient.  Through my years of having to live with a disease everyday (no breaks)  You do have less painful days and you do have extreme painful days.  But...You are always fatigued (a new level of tired) as your body is constantly fighting against itself.  Just think... it's like living with a cold the rest of your life....no matter how much you want to be rid of it....it's always there.....only this is 100 times worse.....having to live with this everyday can make you feel alone, weak, useless, and hopeless as you become better acquainted and knowledgeable about your disease. Living with a cold everyday of the year would be bad too but I was desperate for an example.

So a typical RA flare day for me is getting up stiffly in the morning with a joint like a hand or wrist that won't open or move.  So little things like doing your hair became very difficult and painful.  It really humbles you.  Waking up at night to go to the bathroom and limping to it.  Not being able to lift something that should be light like a feed bucket or saddle without difficulty and pain. Being so tired you want to sleep but you can never get restful, refreshing sleep.  (I have previously suffered from chronic fatigue for 4 months in which I could only sleep 3 to 4 hours a day)  Talk about serious issues there!  Not being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in at night because of the pain you are in.  Finding new ways to open things if your hands are not working right or not doing them because it is too painful.  Feeling unmotivated because you know it will hurt or cause you pain later.  Other things I've noticed during my life time with this disease (or times when my RA drugs are not working or even when they are working) is more stress, anxiety and depression.  And all of this plays a role on you as a person.  I like being self-reliant so having a disease like this is crippling to my pride.  I don't like asking for help.  I don't like being tired all the time and feeling like I'm not getting things done efficiently or effectively.  When small tasks like opening doors, putting your clothes on, brushing your hair, walking, folding your hands, opening things become so hard it can be very frustrating and depressing as you wonder how much progression will this disease keep giving me when I'm not even 30 yet!   Actually, one of the first things I noticed was how immobile I got....but yet I didn't notice it I just accepted it as I never thought it could be anything serious.

I've now been fighting RA for around 10 years.  I'm use to pain, drugs, shots of all kinds, doctors, new medicines, even tried diets and somewhere in between I lost hope that I would never ever have energy or be pain free again until I died and went to Heaven.  I've asked God for that at times....to take me home, yet I'm still given the opportunity to be here with you.  I've wondered why, but have found new hope in that God's not done with me yet.

When I become very sick (especially in the past 3 years) and my RA seemed to progress aggressively, I placed my hope into newer, bigger drugs, but when I had side affects from those I began to lose hope in ever feeling "back to normal".  Recently, I began a new injectable that helped but cause other side affects not to mention I began to get extremely shot shy.  Even just smelling alcohol made my stomach turn, and the shot itself stung as you put it in and hold it for a long 10 seconds.  As I broke out in sweats just before the shots, I would cry out to God for help and ask Him to help me do this one more time.  Crying and pep talking and eventually getting it into my leg.  One night I couldn't stand it and I told God, "I can't do this anymore!"  I've wondering why God hasn't healed me at times, but am learning He knows best.

I had researched diets before but there was nothing proven to help people with RA.  There are diets to help with arthritis, but please remember that RA is NOT arthritis!  I dealt with lots of false hopes during the past delving into them with no success.  So I decided to wait and if anyone with an RA diet used by RA sufferers said it helped and worked then I would try it!  I just couldn't stand another disappointment. 

Well I'm very excited to say that there is now a diet out there designed specifically for RA sufferers and I am respectively excited to try this.  I know some people can never get off drugs because of how bad they are....Many need surgeries to replace broken joints....but if I could control my RA with diet though it looks to be a mighty HARD diet plan, I'm willing to give it a cowgirls try!

I've been reading the diet plan and finding the info interesting.  You control RA 2 ways (notice I say control not cure) 1. Drugs/Shots 2. Strict dieting. 3. Fasting...I added a 3rd but obviously you can't fast all the time because you need food to live.  Recently I did a 20 hour fast two days in a row and it did help however, the foods I ate after did not...bummer because I love food.  So how serious am I about trying to get a lower level of pain, more energy and better sleep without more and more big drugs?  EXTREMELY!  I have never fasted a day in my life...sure I'll go without lunch or breakfast but I make up with it in the other meals and snacks during the day.  Also I'm learning a fast is kinda pointless if you aren't going to eat good foods for yourself afterword.

I intend to start this diet as soon as I can get all the supplies (which don't look too yummy) so Fasting February here I come!  Actually I will be eating it just won't be pleasurable so please be nice, encouraging and forgive me when I don't want to eat with you or enjoy the food you offer.  So please hide your food before you invite me over.  Maybe have some raw fresh celery around though! ;)     

Asking for prayers of encouragement and wisdom as I delve into something I've never ever wanted to do!  Then again, I never wanted to delve into having a disease either.  And with an aggressive disease you have to be an aggressive player!!

Thank you for your prayers in healing!

You are a big part of my success in this diet plan so be encouraging, hide the sweets, and offer plenty of encouragement!

Also you may ask, what keeps you going through all these years?  I've always said I really love the verse "The joy of the Lord is my strength." because I understand that verse better now and have come to really appreciate it and find in so very true that His joy is my strength!

The Bad me, the Good God

It's that time of year again when my horses feel cooped up, energetic, grumpy, forget how to be good and become very spooky!  I guess humans would call it seasonal acute depression.  If you live in either mud or frozen ground and can't giddy up and be a horse, it can cause even good horses to act well....a bit insane!

I rode Kitty yesterday with my sister and her horse Colty.  It was warm but very windy as it was blowing in cccold air.  My horse decided to be really energetic (did not want to walk and if she walked she also wanted to spook which led to more prancing and not walking).  Many times horses react to a change in the weather and today Kitty was letting me know she had been cooped up too long and not given enough exercise even though it had only been 2 days! Not only was the wind blowing hard at my coat, but it must have blown my horses brain away!  I decided to trot her up and down the road back and forth since Colty wasn't about to do an endurance ride the whole time!  This seemed to help and although she was spooky the whole ride she settled in and became a mostly good horse again.

Missy had the grumpy grulla routine going on and MUCH energy to release as well.  I worked her in the round pen all the while she was rearing, leaping in the air, bucking, kicking (sometimes in my direction...not good at all), and continuously at a slow run which is impressive for the small space!  Generally, I get it...my horses need to get some horse time and run and buck and get "the edge" off as we, equestrians call it!

I thought I had spent enough time with Missy that she could be good and listen now in order to try more liberty training, but her mind was just not focused.  Instead she was ...running over me and doing her best to not focus on me...in fact she was looking away from me and turning her backside to me (a big sign of disrespect).  I kept at it though and had her doing some things ok and other things she just wasn't there! It was like her mind had totally blown away like the wind!!!  I was frustrated and so my training technique became more stubborn, as did my horse.  I was thinking to myself....Missy this should be easy for you...why can't you get this?  Why can't you do this basic thing right like you usually do?  What's wrong with my horses today?

I'd have to give credit to God for help in training my 2 horses and especially me because I was getting impatient, but He reminded me of this:  Sometimes, I think that about my children too.  They get so caught up in how their day is going or how they feel, they forget who they really are and all of the training I have taught them!  But just like your horses, I know that all my children have bad days....and this doesn't make me love them any less!

I've often wondered and questioned God about being bad.  I'm bad many times and no matter how hard I try, I still have a Bad me!  I've thought...What if God comes back on a Bad Day for me?  What if I'm just like my horses and ignore the things He has taught me and disrespect Him?  What if I'm not focused on Him that day?  What if on that day, I act like I'm not a child of God?

Would God still take me to Heaven with Him?  Or would He give me what I deserve....a good whipping?....not claim me as one of His?  Forsake me because I had a bad day?

I think this is a question we ask in many different ways.  God, how much do you love me?

Then God let me in on something that sounds too good to be true.  He claimed me.  God doesn't want to sneak up on His children and point out all their flaws and erase their names from the Lambs Book of Life.  Instead He told me He is patient and kind and that I needed to apply the same method to my horse.  I needed to be patient with her.  Just because she was having a bad, not-focused-on-her-trainer day, just meant I needed to be even more patient and loving to her.  I backed up my training to kindergarten steps which seemed silly with the caliber I'm use to with her, but God told me too so I did.  Taking the time for one small step closer to being focused on the trainer helped Missy progress and the safer and more focused she became....not to her potential but it did slowly return her focus.  That's exactly what God has to do with us at times.  I'm so glad He doesn't get as frustrated as I do!  Instead He provides even more patience, love and gentleness to draw back His Bad children.

I love my horses even on their worst days and even when they hurt me.  My horses would never purposely try to hurt me, they genuinely love me and this is the lesson God wanted me to learn that He loves me in the same way.  He loves me on my Bad days and He loves me on my Good days.  He wants you to know that He has enough love for you to get you through those bad days! He knows we don't purposely try to hurt Him, ignore Him and disrespect Him....He knows we face many trials of all sizes and shapes...He knows we can't always be good.   And if you are wondering what if God comes on one of my bad days will He forsake me or claim me as His....?  I'm proud to say I most certainly claim and love my horses!  I'm proud to own and train both of them!  And that is how God responds to us even on our bad days!  Thank you, Thank you God for loving me and claiming me as your own even on my bad days!

It's not about having more good days than bad, it's all about letting God live in your heart everyday.

Refuge Rock (Not much time to live for Jesus)

I think sometimes we think we will let God use us at a certain age or stage in our life, but then when that said age or stage comes we say well not just yet..this hasn't happened yet...I haven't been healed...I don't have a good job....I have no securities...etc.

.....until the storm comes....until God gets our attention.

I often think that my time here on earth will be short.  God's not supplying the things I think I need so maybe He plans for me to die young!  But then I get a little scared and ask, "Wait God, not yet...let me do what you created me to do to bring you glory before you take me." Yet, I also think that it may be longer than I think as I get comfortable in pushing things off with excuse after excuse.  I say it won't really matter.  I can't make a difference.  True. I can't.  But God CAN.  I just have to be willing to give Him a little something because then He can make a big something out of it.

I remember when my cousin, Rebecca and I Christmas caroled on horseback around my "neighborhood" a few years ago.  I thought it was such a silly idea and surely people would think I was a bit..well over-the-top weird.  Yet, God urged me to do it...so I gave Him a little something.  I went through with it. (Thanks to a supporting cousin)  I think we surprised most, but one lady just seemed so appreciative of the gesture and thanked us many times....she still talks about it and how special it was to her!  I'm not sure how God worked that night, but I know He did something big out of the something small we gave.

My youngest brother, Ted, really made me think about this topic while we were trail riding and family camping at Shawnee National Forest in southern IL.   My Dad, Mom, and cousin Rachel came with us as well to round out the group.  It was predicted to be a rainy week but we were hoping for the best.  We were able to enjoy 2 days of good riding, but the other 2 days were rainy especially one in particular and that's the day I learned something about the heart of many of us today.

After being caught under an overhanging rock for an hour the day before, we were sure the worst of the storms were over for us.  The day started off partly sunny as many other riders in the horse campground were saddling up for a ride as well.   We had checked radar and all seemed well for at least a few hours.  So off we (Me, Rachel and Ted) rode.  We were going to try to find a trail that the campground host recommended.  As we journeyed on our way we were maybe 45 minutes into our ride and it started getting really cloudy and rainy looking.  Well as much as you could tell in the woods...We were making a climb up a long, curvy hill when we heard a loud clap of thunder in the near distance.  As the oldest of the group, this meant I was the one in charge and responsible for taking care of each rider and horse and I made the quick decision to get off the up hill route and go back down to more cover.  I did not know the area, but we were in the sameish area of the overhanging rock we took refuge in the day before so we worked our way down and to the rock.  As we rode the rain and thunder got louder and heavier and I knew the rock would be the safest place for us for now.  I think the prayers for me started some time during the trek and I felt fairly safe when we got to the overhanging rock.  The hard part was we had no cell service so no way of telling Mom and Dad we were taking shelter underneath an overhanging rock.  I knew we could try to ride back but the lightning was pretty fierce and I thought it was best to seek cover.  Once under the shelter of our rock, we ended up having some fun waiting out the storm.  The rock shelter was situated 3 to 4 feet above a very rocky, but beautiful creek. We had to ride in the creek to get to it.  The creek was surrounded by walls of rock on either side.  (It would have been a really cool ride to do sometime).  With the rain pouring down on us the creek began to rush and the rock walls were now making small waterfalls which seemed very lovely and peaceful in their own way.   Even after making up our own rendition of Gilligan's Island 3 hour ride (cuz that's what we were trying for just a 3 hour ride or was it 2 hours?) before the afternoon storms, we started to get a bit bored and a bit nervous.  The thunder was really loud echoing off the rock walls causing even the horses to jump at times.  The lightning flashes lit up all around us causing us to feel insecure to go anywhere but where we were.  Finally after a horrifically loud clap of thunder that scared all of us (even the horses), Rachel suggested we pray out loud together.  I hurriedly agreed after feeling a bit silly that I hadn't suggested it before as we started to pray that the storm would subside so we could go back to camp safely.  We even sang some hymns to calm us and give us something else to think about.  Continuing to pray silent prayers I'm sure our happy little rain dance became more serious as the storm kept it's fierceness.  After the startling thunder crack, we realized we may not be so safe here and fear crept in.  As I was trying to keep the positive vibes going my little brother was thinking deep thoughts of his own.  He wondered aloud and said, "This can't be when I die....I'm too young to die and haven't been able to do anything for Jesus.  Shocked to hear something so deep come out of someone so young, I was unable to reply to his question in that moment.

Isn't it interesting how trials and tests can bring out our deepest thoughts? The thoughts that really matter?  Not the everyday earthly physical concerns, but the spiritual ones...yes we forget the spiritual ones don't we.  I sure can.  But God wanted us to learn what was important underneath that rock which we later named Refuge Rock.  He wanted us to learn to trust Him and to take courage even when fear was all around us!  God also helped remind us what was important....following Him even through the storms life throws at us, trusting Him even when we are fearful and don't forget to pray!  God says, "Let me in on the storms and troubles and fears in your life!  I love you and I want to help you if you'll come to me!" 

You see my little brother had a good thought but He was wrong on one part.  God used him.  Yes He was young but God used him to help us remember why we're here.  We are here to serve Him not be served by Him.  We don't find refuge in a rock, we find refuge in HIM!!!

The storm eased it's intensity and I silently prayed, "Is this it, God?  Is this when we should head back?'  The horses seemed just fine with their cover, but I knew Dad and Mom (especially Mom) would be worried so I told Rachel and Ted it was time to head back. I explained that this may be our only chance or break in the storm so we must go now.  As I lead my horse into the now rushing creek with the lightning still above me, I encouraged the others to follow.  I knew it wasn't exactly the safest spot to be in the storm...in water...while it was still lightning but God just assured me that everything was going to be okay.....but I had to be the brave one and step out and trust Him! You see sometimes God is looking for us to trust Him with that first scary step in our lives. And scary it was as Ted's pony was pretty stubborn as she didn't want to slide into the rushing creek leaving her dry shelter....Ted was frustrated and scared since his pony wouldn't mind him and all the while I'm standing in the creek encouraging him to take his time and he'll be ok.  I wouldn't have ever left him behind but I think when we are in scary situations we panic thinking God is going to leave us in them and go on with His day. But God doesn't do that.  Neither did I.  Seeing that Ted needed assistance,  I lead my horse, Kitty, back over to him and Chica and helped guide his pony into the water.  Giving Ted back his pony we all got on and rode back through the creek and soon followed the trail along it that would eventually get us back to camp.  The lightning got less and less and the rain had eased up as well. I'm sure I probably said something along these lines, "See this isn't so bad!"  Of course, I'm not sure who I was encouraging...me or them!  However, I knew something special had happened under Refuge Rock and I couldn't help but feel very loved by a God who deserves so much love from me and so often I forget to tell Him a simple thank you and I love you.  Thanks, God, for being with us at Refuge Rock, and for the reminder of what's important!"

Do you think you are still too young or too old to be used by God?  Do you think it's too late to even start?  It's Never too late to start.  You can give your life to God right now. Today!  And if you've lost your passion for living for God, ask Him to renew it!  He will.  Sometimes you just have to be on the look out for it.  I didn't know God would remind me of so many important spiritual thoughts the day we got stuck under Refuge Rock, but I'm so glad He did.

Sometimes it's during the storm, where we feel alive the most because that's when we are reminded what matters most.  Does God matter most in your life today?

Refuge Rock- a fitting name as we took refuge underneath this rock twice! It reminded us of who we should be taking refuge in...Our solid rock....our refuge...our God.

"Stuck in the Roundpen"

Do you feel like you are always stuck in one place?  Like you'll never get out and experience all that is meant to be for you?  You're caught up in life's never ending circles and you wonder...Is this it? God, is this how you want my life to be....I don't get it...why am I stuck in this place?

Part 1

The best way to start horses is by using a roundpen (which is an enclosed circular area with a diameter of 30 to 60 feet.)  That way the horse can focus more on the trainer without many distractions and room to get away and learn the basics to becoming a reliable, safe, and trust worthy horse fully connected to the trainer.  Similar to how we, Christians, start out.  We would never learn anything from our Heavenly Father if we never stopped for a moment of enclosed time with Him.  For example, reading your Bible or praying at a certain time of day in a place away from distractions. (that's comparable to us in a roundpen looking to our trainer).  We have to start (and become refreshed) this way because the outside world is full of distractions that take us away from our Trainer, who wants to create a reliable and trustworthy human for His use.  The best way of connecting to our Trainer is to get to a place where we can focus almost entirely on Him.  I say almost because we are so distracted...Like horses if we see something different or hear something crazy we loose focus right away on our Trainer.  But with lots of small steps and lots of effort by our Trainer we get drawn into His love and we desire and long for a connection because we realize that it's His love and guidance we most need in our lives.  Without it, we have no purpose or use and we'd just be wondering around and spooking at whatever we want and never ever finding a place of comfort or rest.

As time goes by the horse eventually trusts the trainer to even get on his back and ride him.   Just as the more we learn from our Trainer, the more percentage of us we give Him.

....But there are always distractions, tests and trials that seem to shake and rattle the horse when taken out of the safety of the round pen.  Now the horse has to trust the trainer in a different position AND area.  The horse that once did everything so beautifully in the roundpen and with the trainer on the ground now has to work with the trainer on top of him and in a bigger area!  Free from enclosure!

It is at this time some horses can't handle the open space...without seeing the trainer on the ground they can't seem to focus so these horses are usually worked with more in roundpens or sometimes bigger enclosed areas before finally being free from all enclosures...because they need more time with the trainer....and this isn't a bad thing as most of us along the way need more time with our Trainer too.

Some horses are ready to delve into this new exciting moment of freedom, yet they realize (unlike the above horses) that the trainer is still there and with them so they don't need to fear eventually leading up to more trust and a deeper connection with their trainer.

Why do some horses learn to trust faster than others?  Same reasons we learn to trust our Trainer (God) fast or slow.  Sometimes we really agree and like what He is doing with us so we learn and bond quickly.  Sometimes we hate what He is doing and fight against it fiercely so we learn and bond slowly.....even becoming more suspicious and distrusting of why our Trainer would want to hurt or upset us...we can't see the hard lessons as growth in our relationship....Rather we see them as moments of  where our Trainer left us or let us down.   Then like horses, we look for a way out of the hurt....we fight our Trainer or we flee from Him causing even more distance and less connection between us.

A good horse trainer, like our God, will notice this struggle and bring the horse back to the basics...with horses it's usually the roundpen or smaller steps....we lost their trust and we want it back.  God, too wants us back when we fight and flee from Him....no He doesn't put you in a roundpen, but He does take small steps toward you.  They are often hard to see as we are so full of hurt and anger it can be almost impossible.....

The difference between humans and horses is about as much as we are similar.  The biggest difference being our souls.  We have a soul.  Horses do not.  Our souls long for love, peace, hope and truth.  We can't seem to rest without them.  There are temporary fixes that we find but they don't last.....what lasts?  With all the questions racing through our minds, we remember a place where we had love, peace, hope and truth.....we remember how it was in the "roundpen."  That place we went to focus and be with our Trainer....that place where the truth exists and where we are loved by God and we have peace in knowing that and a hope that even with all our mistakes and missed opportunities, God still wants us.....we go back to the basics.  We dig deep into the Bible...looking for Truth, Love, Peace and Hope....We cry mixed tears of agony and joy in our prayers for forgiveness while longing to be loved again.

Part 2

Sorry to slow you down from those above questions, it's where God seemed to lead me at the moment.

So you've graduated from the basics and you still feel stuck?  I don't need to be overly used by God, I just want Him to use me more than He is.  (Which is kinda a silly statement because we really don't know how He is using us)

I'm looking at this quote as I type, "The secret of success in life: Prepare for opportunity when it comes."  --Benjamin Disraeli  (whoever that is)  Psalm 118:25 O Lord, save us; O Lord grant us success. was the verse with the quote.  I'm not going to go deep into that scripture right now except that the success that the psalmist is talking about could mean heavenly not earthly.

But the quote just reassures me of why we sometimes get stuck.  We need to be prepared more for whats up ahead.  You can't just ride any horse on the edge of a cliff!  You gotta do some preparing and trust exercises to build your relationship so that it is strong and not easily shaken.

I usually get stuck for 2 reasons:  ( at least these 2 are the ones that came to mind) I look at my life and I go wow, I've been in basic Christian training for so long...when is God gonna use me?

The other is that I'm afraid of what's outside the roundpen!!  Fears swell up!!  Success?  Failure?  Pain?  Hurt?  Loss?  A blessing?  A test?  in short I have Lots of doubt.

I don't really have any wisdom for myself except that God must be preparing me(us) for something....maybe only contentment with where I'm at, but maybe there is something big that He wants me to be prepared for?  The best thing I think (and what I've been told by those with more wisdom than me) we can do is to get to know our Trainer more and more so He can prepare us for His use and in His time. We blossom with more time spent with our Trainer.

Hang on partner and I'm talking to me
The roundpens not the worst place to be!
For one day soon you just may be called on
Stay ready, don't pass up that baton!

Part 3
One thing I feel like I need to add.  Well trained horses still get problems.  Sometimes you have to take them back into the roundpen for some more trainer time...its not usually because they have completely lost it and can never be used by the trainer...its just that they need some redirection and focus time to fix their problem.

Us too. Just because you've been a Christian for 20 plus years doesn't mean you don't have any problems to work out...you still need that bonding and focus time with your Trainer too. So don't feel bad if your struggling or having problems....your Trainer wants to help you get your focus back on Him.  Join Him in the roundpen.  Yes it can be humbling and agitating that we still need training.  But He wants us to realize we need Him to be useful. Will we let Him train us?

Is Hope dead?

Let's call it out right now...we don't always have the feeling of hope.  There are things in this world that we think are hopeless to hope for and we get lost in the hurt and darkness around us.  Because there is much hurt and darkness and so it's easy to focus on if we lose sight of what Hope really is.  We ask ourselves "Is my Hope dead?"  I think we've all done it. Placed our hopes and dreams into countless hours of research, work, time, things we accumulate, and lots of effort.  Only to have it disappear on us in a small matter of time.  But as Kim Meeder (author of Fierce Beauty--great read!) puts it Is Hope just a feeling?

She continues on to say, Hope is a choice and an action.  

It's about picking up our sword of truth and destroying the darkness and lies around us by spreading the hope and truth of Jesus.  

It's a choice.  An action.  

Do I want to choose to let myself be swallowed up by darkness, lies and the hurt around me or will I choose to see that my hope is in Jesus (He promises to never leave me) and choose to follow Him and spread His love in whatever way we can....but it's a hard choice most of the time and takes a fierce warrior.  

Hurt is so rampant in our world today.  It affects everyone.  Whether you believe in God or not.  Rich or poor. Sick or healthy.  Each day can be filled with hurt or hope, but the choice is ours.  That is why Hope is more than a feeling it's an action...a battle...a choice.  

I'm not typing this to you because I have alot of hope.... rather I'm trying to push back the darkness and fears and lies and feelings of hopelessness and hurt when I'm not sure how to stand and fight all this darkness that the world is so good at handing out.  Hope is dying around us.  Stand up for the hope that lies deep in your heart.  Fight as God fought darkness by sending His son, Jesus, to die and shed His blood for us all so that we can have a place in Heaven with Him where there is no darkness...no hurts...no ugliness of the world....and where there is Hope forever.

I think that without Hope in Jesus we cannot truly love others, we can't have peace that passes all understanding, and we can't live a life of fully trusting Him.  

So how can you start reviving hope?  One choice at a time.  One action at a time.  Here's an example of what I mean in my life.  When I'm feeling like my life is going nowhere or even getting worse in various areas. I can chose to focus on acts of love that God has already poured on me in the past reminding me that I am so loved.  An action would be as simple as a prayer to my God for my broken heart to be mended by His love so I can truly shine for Him inside and out.

  

God cries for us

I was out riding Missy for a much needed life break....As we rode through the mist and clouds, I couldn't help but think of all the clouds and rain in my life and I wondered if God really cared about all this stuff in my life.   Even the rain wouldn't quit all the way...While riding my mind kept thinking of all the recent rain in my life:  my RA flaring and the hassle of doctor appointments and insurance and learning new things, the overload of work that I can't get done because of either crazy heat or constant rain or body pain/fatigue, the things I want to do for God, but can't seem to find the energy or time, my concern about my health and future...And God to top it all off, this rain won't quit...I wondered why God had made it so humid or rain so much (as to ruin all the full capacity of the roundup spray and pasture fence line growing so out of control it'll be a miracle if I can clear it without getting poison ivy)...then there's other concerns like family, friends, church, the world, and they all have problems or concerns that need attention or prayer and it makes your heart hurt, but you don't know what to do about all the worldly problems or your friends and families....Where ARE YOU God?  so you do the one thing you can do...pray.

As I talked with God in the rain on Missy, God gave me a little insight that popped into my head that helped me see this rain in a different light.  What if rain was God's tears?  What if when it rains God is doing His best to show us that He is concerned with our problems, He does see the worlds hurts, He is concerned for us and because He loves us...Our God, my God cries on my (our) behalf!  Maybe some of you can't imagine our big mighty God crying!  let alone for us.....but He Does!!  He feels our pain, our hurts, our brokenness and He cries for us.  Jesus cried for Lazarus....do you remember the shortest verse in the Bible?  It's "Jesus wept."  I began to feel happy as I rode along on Missy and began to appreciate all the rain...God cries for me...for us all....I thought, Wow, God is really having a good cry right now, but there is lots happening in each one of our lives and God wants to show us that He is seeing that...He knows!  He loves you!  He's crying for you!  I bet God would love to swoop down to us and pick us up in His arms and just hold us in a loving embrace, but He chooses to not do this physically yet so He has to show us some other way....so God created rain.  His tears wash over our wounds and cleanse them.  They wash our scars, our dirt, and our fears.  The hot anger we feel is cooled by His refreshing tears.  Our pains our drowned in His tears of love for us.  Our hearts melted by just one of His teardrops.

So what remains after our God cries over us?  A new, refreshed us.  Cleansed by our God's tears we can once again face our fears.  Why does God let it rain?  So He can show us that His love still remains!  We can once again say, "Thank you, God, for letting me know you love me!'   When everything else is cloudy and raining in our life, we can still know that God loves us!

Missy and I started to enjoy our cloudy, rainy ride and I couldn't help but sing praises to my God as we rode down the country road.  I wasn't about to let satan defeat me now...my God was present and just like our ground here I was over saturated by His love!

So now, I smile at my God and let the rain wash down my face and arms and wherever it wants to go because it's love from my God and it makes my heart feel so good when I know He loves me so much to even cry over me and any of my struggles.  My God is so good.  Bring on the rain, God.  I need to feel your love again and again because I am weak, but thankful your love is strong!