So Far Away!

Words.  That's how we describe things, but I'm finding words hard today.  It's like I'm living in another world and I'm shouting but no one is listening.  So I write....to myself, unless dear reader, you are entertained....Maybe we overuse words-maybe we just don't know their true meanings?

Love...a 4 letter word that is so misinterpreted it shouldn't even exist.  I'm just beginning to partially understand the word...and its not associated with what I planned.  Love is associated with happiness AND hurt.  It is selfless.  It is REAL!  I wish I could be more specific for you, but I can't. At 24, I've had enough experience to tell you that Love is the hardest thing you can ever accomplish in your entire life because it is the basis to every other detail in your future.  Whether you choose to love or not in certain situations--it not only affects you it affect others.

I'm actually very sick of this world and I don't want to be here anymore.  Its not that I don't enjoy things in this world-it's just I know what awaits! I can't wait to be in Jesus' arms in Heaven where I truly am loved.  I just want to be there right now!  It's nice to have glimpses of Heaven now and then on earth...God gave me that privilege recently.....Some of you know that I have family in Japan and getting to see them is a huge treat, but what amazes me is how close we are to each other even though we live worlds apart and aren't able to see each other very often.  Focusing on this love thing this year has put my mind in a "love perspective" mode.  Sometimes I don't want to love, sometimes I don't get a thing out of it, but I do it anyway--kinda a forced love and what is cool is God blesses me for that attempt and pretty soon I'm not forcing it!  It's there!  I have an insurmountable love for my family and extended family!  It's really real!  And every time I get together with my cousins and family--I feel like this is what LOVE really is like!  This is what Heaven must be like!  Love just pours out in my family and I think I can honestly say I have some of the best hugging cousins in the world! ;)  I think because of ya'll..I'm becoming a hugger too!  :) It so hurts to have to say good-bye to them and I know in Heaven I will never have too say good-bye again!  I am so blessed to have a loving family and am thankful that God has taught me so much about love this year.  I wasn't always like this, but love should never be hidden or thrown away!  Maybe this is why God gave us a heart--to store love in so we can stay close to each other even when miles and miles of distance exists between us.  I LOVE YOU FAMILY!!!  All of you are so amazing and I'm so glad you are in my life!  Guess I'm dedicating this post to Rachel and Hannah Klaus since they were able to come to America this year and it was so good having them here!  My heart is happy and I know one day I'll be able to see them forever!!!

If I didn't have horses.......?????

...It's maybe a really good thing we don't have to go there!  Thankfully, I do have horses and God teaches me through them. Monday really felt like a Monday.  I felt alot of life pressures and was just disgusted with where I was at and what I was thinking and was I really doing the right thing?Sometimes I think we just feel trapped in this world.  We don't understand where our life is going or we just want to get there too fast--or give up!  All after thanksgiving when I should feel thankful for longer than just a couple days.....right?

On top of all this it's winter....that time of year where I can't get much accomplished as a horse trainer if I even qualify as one....a great horse trainer listens to the horse...yesterday I rode Kitty and she did pretty well so I decided to do some liberty work with her, but I wasn't listening to her needs....I felt frustrated because I have so many horse goals that I never seem to be able to reach for lack of space, equipment, knowledge, and time!  Most of the time I'm just happy to be able to get out there and exercise my girls or re-break them to ride after they turn into winter rodeo broncs. But yesterday I wanted more and so I pushed Kitty too hard-no I never lost it or got mad--I was forcing myself and her to a point where we just need more time to understand it.  I was just about to "get really impatient" when Kitty decided to ask me why I was being so hard to understand...her soft brown eyes seemed to be quietly waiting for me to relax and see that she was trying her best to please me.  I didn't really notice or care at that point...I just kept asking for more and Kitty just did what any good horse would do--she guessed and became "anticipaty"---and as I moved into a better position all the while getting more impatient...Kitty must have thought I was asking for a hug because all of the sudden I had a firm horse neck around me and the really neat thing was she didn't stop hugging me!!!  She melted my disgusted heart and filled it back up with love and patience.  Needless to say, I was much more patient with her the rest of the time and the training session progressed--all because her act of love reminded me to "get my act of love back together!"  Very thankful that God uses my horses to keep reminding me that He loves me!  Sometimes we just have to stop and see what's right in front of us!  I'm glad God opened my eyes to see how much "love" was missing in my heart.......Here's a really cool pic that captures how much love we have for each other! <3

The reason I can write such a nice post tonight is because Missy put me in a really great mood with her liberty work.  She is much further along than Kitty so we can actually work with no ropes attached at the walk and trot but lots of work and plans ahead!  Anyway, she really impressed me tonight so maybe I can train horses after all!  In this picture, Missy was told to stay (she was perfect btw) while Kitty worked and demonstrated a bit....I just love these girls!

Show Love. Just a bit of time can change a life!!!!!

Last year, I made a "new years resolution" to love more.  It's been going pretty good too!  But...I've been looking forward to the end of my commitment because love is hard for us humans to comprehend how far and how deep we must go sometimes to show it.

In fact, that's why I wanted to quit this resolution....it's too hard!  I was in countdown when Jesus started working on my heart about that...He said...Why do you want to quit? and I said well look here I've been doing pretty good and went through my list of love and how far I've gone and how I just can't wait to be done!  It's just too hard loving some people who just don't want your love, or loving those that disappoint you, hurt you or disagree with or you fill it it!  Then Jesus said to me..."I still love you.  You hurt me.  You don't always agree with me.  You disappoint me.  You refuse my love at times....but I LOVE YOU anyway and I suffered for you and died for you to prove that I REALLY do love you!   Ya sure..I know all that stuff, but I'm Not you!!!  I can't love like that it's too hard...No body loves like you anymore........  "That's why I want you to continue to love more, but don't just love how you think it should be... I want you to love like me and I need you to start right now!"  It took me awhile to say ok, but I have and it is amazing how Jesus keeps reassuring me that He will help me love even when I'm suffering with my humanisticness and don't want to!  Anyways, He really challenged me to Love like Him and I'm excited to do that!

It is hard to love when things seem to be falling apart around you and your heart wonders why.  Many times, we as humans want to fix things right away when all God is requiring of us it to wait and love. Not yell at the person for being stubborn and crazy and refusing to love or not doing what we think is Christian stuff...just be there to love them.  

I, personally, believe that God calls us to love a certain amount of people the way He loves us.  He makes it our duty to love them like He would so that they can see the way Jesus loves them through us.  I have a list of people that God has given to me to love. If I refuse to love them like Jesus, I'm not really doing my job and possibly that will cost them their pathway to Jesus and it will cost me my job.  Jesus will find someone else to do His work.  But I want Him to use me and give me more people to love so with His help I'm gonna make it!

Sometimes He'll test our love commitment for them by seeing if we can still love them when they hurt us, refuse us, disagree, and even hate us.  I must say I've failed in that area..in the past if it gets hard...I like to get out...but that's not what God wants of me anymore.  He encouraged me that the past is in the past and I have the opportunity to love the people that are already around me! :)  He says: "Get in there and love like me! Keep loving them as I have kept loving you.  This is your calling. This is why I made you!" 

I hope this inspires you to love like Jesus even when it hurts!  Whatever your situation you don't have to feel useless or be able to fix it..."Just" Love like Jesus!

OVERWHELMED by YOU....Brag Time!

A popular song I heard on the radio...but so true!  I'm overwhelmed with how delightful Jesus is and how much He loves me!  I'm completely overwhelmed!  He died for me and I'm trying to live for HIM and I was so overwhelmed with what He had done through little me...and I never thought I could add up to so much in anyone's eyes!

I've never been beautiful, popular, rich, or smart, but that does not stop His Love from overwhelming me!  I have so little to offer....even my strength for living day to day comes from Him.  Many thought since I was diagnosed with Rhuematoid Arthritis, I'd look for a not so hard job with some sort of health insurance and discontinue my horse training (do safer things)....this is when God's overwhelming love invaded my negative thoughts and I PRAISE HIM FOR EVERYTHING I'VE ACCOMPLISHED!!!  I AM NOTHING AND HE CHOSE ME!  LOOK WHAT HE HAS DONE WITH SO LITTLE!  I AM AN OVER COMER BECAUSE OF HIS LOVE!

If you have RA or any arthritis, you know that strength is not taken for granted!

 Wrists are the weakest, but I can get them to crack that whip!

I did not choose this life.  If I could choose...I would have beauty, strength, fame and fortune, no health problems to hold me back--in other words I'd have the perfect life...but haha that hasn't happened.  Thankfully, Jesus chose this life for me and I would not be "cool" without His healing power, strength and His LOVE assures me that He will never forget about the weak, the untalented, and unloved!  He uses all of us if we will let Him! Oh, am I bragging?  Good!  I want you to know that God will use YOU no matter where you are in life. If you belittle yourself you are belittling the One who made you to do wonderful things!  Keep Living for HIM!  We are not here for long so give a little love back to the Man who loved you so much that He died for you!

Kitty's trick skits

Missy's Liberty stuff

Say What? Beep. Vibrate.

Communication is key to any relationship, but as I see it, American's (people in general) stink at it!  Sure we've got 1000's of ways to "communicate".  Facebook, cellphones, texts, emailing--those are the more outdated ones I suppose, but no one really can communicate well unless they are fully engaged which takes much effort in today's world as I often will be in the middle of a conversation with someone and their phone starts to vibrate or sound off a new text message or call.  Most of the time, they will answer their phone before finishing up with me--if they even remember what I was saying.....Ever happen to you?  I understand emergencies.  I understand that demanding boss at work!  I understand that your kid just pooped his pants and needs attention.  I understand if it's your out of country/out of state friends who rarely ever calls.  So yes. In some ways, I realize the importance of "disengaging" in your communication.  But really is your patience and time so limited that you can't stop to listen?

I believe that our lack of communication is an element of what is taking down our society.  It's a serious problem!  But there I go, jumping ahead of myself and thinking too deep with not enough time to write it down in words for you.  haha...yes I stink at this communicating thing too!  I would like to say I'm well above average, but then again maybe I'm well below?  Just depends on what I am including/excluding?

Let's take what I understand.  I understand that to be a good horse trainer one has to be a good communicator to the horse and listen to what the horse is telling him.  When you first train a horse, you can't disengage for fear of the horse trampling you, ignoring you, or they'll do just whatever they please which of course wouldn't be good communication at all!  However, if you take time to listen to the horse and engage yourself wholly to that horse for those moments of training--your horse will in turn listen to you and be engaged and communicating in a way that brings about a close relationship.  Why does that work?  Because the trainer has taken time to get to know the horse without being distracted.  The horse knows he can trust the trainer because the horse knows the trainer is completely trustworthy and will take care of his needs.  Basically, they know that they will be there for each other.

Of course, I could give you Biblical examples as well.  If we are poor communicators with God that can draw disbelief, no trust, and a whole bunch of ?????

Doesn't it just do something for your heart, soul, and mind when someone listens?!!!!!!!!!  It makes me feel loved, happy and there's a complete bond happening!!

Yup...Communication is really messed over these days.....I find myself escaping that by horse training.   It's just me and the horse.  No interruptions.  Fully engaged with each other and fast becoming better partners.

Take what you want out of this...This just reminds me to try to be a better listener, less distracted and more focused on what that person is trying to communicate....because it might be the last time they reach out!

Here's a picture of 3 of us doing our part to listen to each other...Love the sunset color!