Is God done with me? Brokenness abounds.

Have you ever asked God that question...are you done with me? Because God has stripped me of my beloved Dad, beloved job, health and any control or stability I ever thought I had....and I feel He has stripped me of my identity.  I'm so hurt, it's hard to think straight.  My life my future my health my horse ministry completely struck down right now... possibly forever...Did I not hear you correctly God? Have I only imagined recognizing your voice in my life? My passion for the broken and weak and broken and weak horses...was that not from You? Or are you just done using me? Am I suppose to do something else?...than what? Silence. It's the answer I continue to get from God. Yes my identity is that I'm a child of God....not a horse trainer...not a missionary...but a very broken child of God. A child that God loves not because I'm talented in anyway but just because I'm His. Im completely at His mercy for how He chooses to use me.  I must confess it was never my talents that God used...he has always used my brokenness. And I have much of that lately....I'm not even sure how to put one foot in front of the other because of the continual pain physically (literally walking is painful) and spiritually.  I know that God still loves me and can use me cuz I'm still breathing. I just have no idea how He'll do it. I feel completely useless and helpless...in utter reliance on God for health, financial aide and spiritual direction.  I still spend time crying and praying God help me because I have no idea what I'm doing or what you're doing in my life.  Please guide me, God, as I know so many of my decisions have been hasty due to pain or just plain survival instincts or just those ordinary life decisions that need answers. 

I really enjoyed the ways that God has used me and am so thankful that He let me share my passion for horses and Jesus for so long. I hope He's not done with that but I'm letting Him know and praising Him for that opportunity.  When I think of all that God has let me do in horse ministry and the way He has moved not only my heart but many hearts,.....my tears overflow from gratefulness.  And perhaps a little bitterness as I don't understand why God would want that to stop.  Perhaps God doesn't. I don't know. Silence is what I hear.

One thing that you and I have to realize is that our enemy absolutely hates God's children and he will take his wrath and hate for God out on God's children.  

I've been trying to rest in God but my week has been so crazy it seems there is no time to rest or I'm too exhausted and overwhelmed to rest or making too many fast decisions.  

God did give me a bit of hope a rainbow so to speak in my current storm.  I believe God's still using me. Spiritually and physically mentally and emotionally I do not feel fit enough for God to even use an ounce of anything but again, I know God can use our brokenness and uselessness for His glory. Amen to that! It's all I can offer Him. 

Last Tuesday evening I was suppose to teach at Esther House but was on the phone with a nutritionist from Australia to try to get me set up with tests and supplements to see if we cant find a root cause to all this pain and suffering my body is going through. Not cheap but worth it if it'll help my pain and inflammation go down!  He gave me so much time that I had to have my mom call in to say I can't make it tonight. But instead was told to come late..."We love Sandy!" Why was that so encouraging? Cuz I don't like Sandy right now and can't figure out why anyone would! I have no strength no spiritual might no funds no mission no dreams or motivation to offer anyone....only complete brokenness and just a bit of faith in God left. So I went and God got all the glory cuz Sandy is too broken and stripped to offer anything but Jesus cuz that seems to be all I have to boast about lately...Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so....I just don't see or feel His love or understand what He is doing in my life right now.  I love to experience God in my life and it is possible to feel God and I crave that! So now I must try to believe it when I can't feel it.

Picture of my barn that needs fixing too brokenness abounds right now for sure. I actually asked my barn this question the other day, "if you're so holy, why don't you fix yourself?" Haha! Another reminder that us believers need God's holiness in our lives cuz we are broken and need Him to mend us. Cry out to Jesus.

Has God cast you into the fire?!

 It's Day 29 of the Lion Diet and it's not doing a thing for me. I finally cheated this week. I had fresh pumpkin seeds and I made a healthy dessert of peanut butter and maple syrup and semi sweet chocolate chips cooked that up and it was at least an unprocessed healthy dessert.  I've been so hard core in this diet but I'm losing hope...the very reason I began this diet was to keep my job at the horse farm....but my body gave out on me and it seems God literally forced me to quit my beloved job.  I really need a job especially with all my upcoming medical bills so trusting God will supply something. Secondly, I did not want to become a cripple so my discipline was amazing for this diet...but looks like I'm a cripple or headed there as my pain is the worst it's ever been.  ( I am currently taking a  round of Prednisone which is helping bring down pain thankfully) This Monday, I go in for a CT scan of my chest abdomen and pelvis to check for cancer.  Yeah...cancer...I feel kinda doomed as I asked my hemotologist if he thought I could have cancer and he told me yes you are at a high risk for cancer... Since doctors and meds won't work to bring down my inflammation, I need to get checked for cancer as that can cause inflammation to be so persistent.  Wow God has cast me into the fire with all that is happening in my life. Sometimes I'm just very speechless as I sit quietly and ponder my life right now and wonder why God won't even let me or my family have a breather.  I find at times my body is frozen and I'm unable to move from either shock or perhaps just plain confusion at where God is leading me.  I have never been in a valley this deep dark and discouraging.  Im completely overwhelmed.  Every day presents another problem.

I know God's with me in this valley but I can't hear Him.  Perhaps He knows I'm unable to bear what He has to say to me so He's waiting till I'm ready to listen.  I see God's hand in my life but where is His voice? I feel like chaff aimlessly blowing from one discouragement to the next and all I can mutter to pray consistently is God help me.  

So how can I encourage my fellow sufferers...I read this in Isaiah 30 today, Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, This is the way; walk in it." I'm asking God to open my ears to His voice and that I could recognize His voice when He says, Sandy this is the way walk in it.

Second encouragement. I do not consider myself to be worth much. I'm no preacher. No teacher. No big gun for Jesus so I question if I even fit into this category. But I was listening to a David Wilkerson sermon on why God let's some believers go through fire, through "hell" and continual suffering if you will.  Why are some believers persecuted non stop and others seem to have minimal problems. Many reasons but here's just one reason.  God is looking for believers who will walk through fire and follow Him through all kinds of sufferings because those are the believers who testify of God's glorious might in their lives and give God the most glory because these believers have learned to trust God through anything!!! Whatever comes their way!! Nothing can break this believers faith!! And faith pleases God! This is the testimony our world needs to see the most! God can use this testimony and desires this kind of testimony.  God can use this believer more and more to proclaim Himself through because this believer knows it's not about what they've done for God, but about what God has done for them. They give God the complete glory! You'd think God would protect these believers for there amazing desire of Him and there Faith in Him but instead He allows all this bad stuff because He knows they are fully surrendered to Him and are letting God have complete control in there lives. This is a life God will use. Desires to use. Longs to use. But not many are willing to be used like this. So be encouraged if God has you in the fire today. Trust Him. He will use you because you aren't in a position to get any glory...only God gets the glory and what a testimony we then get to be for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Our glory fades but God's glory shines! Isn't this what we are hear for? To bring glory and praise to God?!