How do you experience God?

Have you ever wanted to experience God more in your life?  You read about others experiences or see them for yourself and get a bit jealous...Why aren't you experiencing God?  How can we experience God?

I've been saving a book, "Encountering Our Wild God," written by possibly my most favorite author, Kim Meeder, for a time in my life where I feel spiritually slumped or needing encouragement. I've gathered in just a few short pages that God is not looking for "spiritual tourists" as the author states.  As Kim states, "God not only wants us to know Him, but He desires for us to want to experience Him."

So I asked myself this question:  How have I experienced God?  I know that God loves me....but how have I actually experienced His love in my life?  It surprised me but I have actually experienced His love many times and one happy way that I can encounter God is through working with horses or with a bad encounter, living with Rheumatoid Disease.

So if you're wondering or needing an example of this God gave me one the other day to help with whether I am just knowing God or actually experiencing God.

I work with horses. It's my job.  I feed them clean up after them and know them.  However since there are many horses at work to work with I don't always get to experience what they have to offer because we really haven't developed a strong relationship through training or truly experiencing each other.  In contrast, my two horses Missy and Kitty, are at the experiencing level.  We know each other so well.  I know what makes them spook.  I know what calms them down.  I know each of their personalities (which are many) and I know when I can trust them and when I shouldn't.  If I didn't know them this well, I wouldn't be able to experience them on a whole new amazing level.  I wouldn't be able to experience how they respond to riding on mountain edges or swimming in a creek, or crawling underneath them, doing back flips or head stands on them or discovering new exciting tricks that they want to show me.  If you are only knowing God, you are missing out on the deeper relationship of experiencing God!  If I know a person, but don't try to build on my relationship by hanging out or talking and experiencing that person hands on than I won't ever really be experiencing all that that person has to offer!  I know their name, but I don't know them.  Jesus doesn't just want us to know His name, but to experience Him in a day to day relationship where we see Him in our daily lives!  Feel His love in our hearts till it over runs!  Have joy in the midst of struggles and pain.  Comfort when we feel alone.

God has so much more to offer us than just us knowing Him.  He wants us to experience Him.  I must admit, the times I experience God are the best days of my life.  I'm not sure where this book will lead, but for starters, I'm asking God to help me experience Him more fully. 

So pray for ways to experience God so that you are able to see His amazingness!!  Maybe God is trying to love you through a letter from a friend, a compliment, a sunny day, a new job, a loss, exciting news, a problem, etc.  Remember God is not just experienced in the good times, but also the very worst.  Learn to look with your heart.  Keep knowing God, but delve into experiencing Him!

DON'T SETTLE!!

There is a reason that God wants us to put on His armor everyday.  We are in a battle whether it be with satan, sin, worldly desires, others or ourselves, it rages on.  We can't do it ourselves.  We need God's help and if you are getting your help from something or someone else please please don't settle for that!!

So many of us get tired of fighting and we settle for something that God really doesn't want for us, but in His mercy and love, He lets us choose and so many of us choose to settle for something lesser than what He had in mind.  God ONLY wants the BEST for us.  Re-read that.  God only wants the best for us.  Do you believe that?  I sometimes roll my spiritual eyes at that comment when my life is falling apart around me and the battle is raging fiercely.  So God you want me to have a severe flare up of Rhuematoid Disease right now?  You want my horse to be lame right now?  You want people that I dearly love to have all these problems?  I don't think you want whats best for me or my life God....I will battle on my own and settle for something else right now.  That is how I get and that is how we all get at one point....we doubt our God.  We doubt His love and care for us.  

But can I point out something to you dear reader?  Jesus told his disciples in John 16:33 that in this world, they would have trouble, but to take heart because He has overcome the world.  And Jesus has. He was crucified for us and dead in the grave but overcame death by rising from the grave in 3 days and He did that for.....US!  He knew that the world would bomb us with sins and temptations and trials and TROUBLE!!!  And you know what else, Jesus didn't settle for us.  He went all the way!  He wanted us to live with Him forever in Heaven. We were worth it to Him.  Is He worth it to us to not settle?  Can we fight off the lies we hear or tell ourselves, the sins that entangle us, our worldly lusts, the devil?  Can we do that for Jesus?  Is He worth going through your struggles...even if you feel alone or too weak to battle?

We really must question if we really believe in a Heaven and a Hell.  One full of so much goodness vast beyond our imagination and the other full of pain and agony beyond bearing!  Do you shake it off?  Do you settle for putting it out of your mind, keeping busy with your life, chasing the next big dream or step in your life, doing what your culture says is "the way to success" but you forget why you are really here?!!  YOU ARE NOT HERE TO SETTLE!!!!  Please don't settle or exchange your salvation for a nicer paying job when glory awaits you in Heaven! Please don't settle for a marriage when God has already told you that you are His bride. Don't settle for just loving your own family when God has so many children that need to be shown His love.  Please don't settle for gaining the best health when God will wipe away your pain and tears forever.  Please don't settle for earthly accomplishments as they can't compare to spiritual goals!  Please don't settle for fame, when you can get to know the most incredible and famous person who is eager to hear your voice!  Please don't settle for quick fixes, when God maybe would rather give you a longer re route to fall deeper in love with Him!  Don't settle for fun right now, when you can have eternity with Jesus.  Though none of those things are bad, they can become why we live.  Basically, Don't get wrapped up in settling or straining for something that will not matter in the end!!  Please Please, don't settle!   

What's tiring you out as a believer in Christ?  What's holding you back from falling deeper in love with Jesus?  

I think I know.  

You've settled.  That's what's holding you back.

You don't read God's word because you don't have time or you are too tired at the end of your day. You don't pray because you don't believe He will answer you the way you'd like.  You don't share your love of Jesus with others because you are afraid of how they will take it.  You simply go with the flow because it is easier to settle than to battle!!  

My heart is heavy and I know many who have settled and this is a dangerous place to be because you are closer to satan than to God at this point.  I have been here too.  More times than I would like to admit, but God is telling me to get back into the fight and battle! 

Don't settle, Sandy, because there is something better ahead for you! I do want what's best for you and in time, you will see just how much I love you and that it was all worth the fight.  Don't settle!

So please, I only type this as I felt my heart burst tonight at the thought and realization of how much I let myself settle and how much this world is settling.  I'm settling!! You are settling for earthly things!!! We need to keep battling for Jesus because satan is winning when we settle and we can't have that. We are called to be little Jesus's and Jesus himself took the time to pray and talk to so many.  He wasn't wrapped up in His earthly job nor the traditions of the culture, He wasn't concerned about who he would marry how many kids they should have,, getting a high paying job, insurance and retirement funds, fancy houses, politics, paid vacations, or how many awesome things He could do so others would like Him or check it off His bucket list....No, He was about His Father's business and that was to save us from our sin and provide a home with Him forever in Heaven with Him if we only believe in Him. He was concerned with what mattered. 

We need to not settle for what the world says is good.  We need to be like Jesus concerned with what the Father (God) wants of us.  Not what society thinks or pressures you to do, but what God desires and God desires that we all come to know Him as our Savior and King.  Because one day, every knee will bow and mouth will confess that Jesus is Lord (Romans 14:11) and we will be thankful that we never settled for something less.  

Maybe you don't realize you've even settled?  Ask yourself what is important to you?  What do you spend your time doing?  Who do you share your deepest concerns with and you do you trust with your life? 

Is it Jesus or is it something/one else?

May God grant us courage and wisdom to overcome the world.  Ask God to renew your passion for Him today because He desires you and would love to spend more time with you!  

My Skydiving Adventure

The idea of skydiving was first mentioned by my cousin, Jason, at a family get together for Easter. Come on we were celebrating Jesus life and resurrection from the grave...let’s not be hasty in getting to the grave ourselves! I was asked if I wanted to go. I laughed and said no way would I ever do that! I thought they were crazy and well..stupid! Why would you throw yourself off a plane and possibly die like that? I couldn’t understand it and even tried to talk them out of it...mostly because I loved my cousins and knew someone who was killed as a skilled skydiver.

Confirmed in my no, it was not until after my other cousin, Rebecca, came over to help celebrate my birthday where we put together a video of riding horses along a mountain edge which to me, seemed pretty safe. Rebecca announced she was going skydiving and I couldn’t hardly believe it! I tried to convince her horse-back riding in the mountains was safer and she tried to convince me that skydiving was safer. Neither of us were persuaded. We each had our opinions. However, listening to our song choice for that years horse adventure, “Fear is a Liar,” I began to feel a bit convicted. Just because I am comfortable facing certain fears does not mean someone else needs or should be. We all have our fears. We all will risk everything for someone or something. Besides fear is a liar. My whole life has had its fear facing challenges. When I was diagnosed with RA, I had to either give up and let fear win or face my fears and new challenges by taking a leap of faith and trusting God to be able to use me even in my new disease and new struggles. Fear always tells you, you will fail. It can make you give up and it can numb you. Fear is also a good thing as it will lead you to make wiser decisions like looking both ways before you cross a street. It can be hard to determine what to do or how to approach a fear, but thankfully we do not have to face fear alone. I often forget that.

Convicted of dragging my cousin on rides that caused her fear, I began to look at skydiving differently. Maybe I should try it to face my fears, and to deepen my compassion for others facing different fears. But did I really need to do it? I didn’t really want too. After all, God gave us a mind to reason, and my mind was saying its a foolish thing and totally unsafe...why do it?  I had no experience with skydiving. I didn’t want to just go with the crowd on this either, so I began researching the sport of skydiving and praying about it. Tandem Skydiving which is what we would be doing seemed safe enough as you jumped with an experienced instructor. Still it was risky and an unforgiving sport if things went wrong and besides how could I trust someone I didn’t even know?

The song lyrics kept tugging at my heart…..I expected others to face their fears, I need to face one of mine! Have you ever been so frustrated with someone who can’t conquer a fear only to find out you have a huge fear of your own that you refuse to face? Skydiving seemed like a stupid way of conquering a huge fear and I even looked up videos of skydiving fails to convince me that it was indeed stupid. However, I still felt that I needed to do it and as it was; the day they were going, I was off work and their were no horse shows or family plans on my calendar...it was like God knew I’d be looking for excuses to not go.

So for those reasons, I texted Jason and said I think I want to join you next Saturday but I’m not sure yet. I find it fascinating that we try to create a way of escape when we are trying to face our fears. Yes, God, I will face this fear if you provide…...fill in the blank. It’s like we need a certainty. I know I crave it. We want to know what will happen if we do this? Will I live? Will it harm me? Will I regret it? Is it stupid? Will God discipline me for making a wrong choice? What will happen to my family? My horses? Am I just going along with the crowd to be cool?

You know, trusting Jesus, seems so simple, yet when we are on that narrow path with Him we tend to wander off of it and overthink that we may be able to take this other easier path and sorta “help” God out since we are more mature and “smarter” than when we first began our walk with Him. So we listen to our fears, instead of our Father. We think with our mind, instead of our heart. We trust our knowledge instead of God’s wisdom. We believe what we can see, instead of believing what we cannot see.

The Saturday before the jump, my cousins helped me sign up officially. I was so scared and relieved at the same time! It’s done now. Time to give it up to the Lord. I prayed a lot. The last few years have been hard and I had told God I didn’t mind going to Heaven early…..but not this way I told Him. I want to live longer. There are things I still need to do for you, relationships that I need to grow in, my sister needs her riding buddy and my horses need a patient, loving trainer...not yet God. It was the first time for awhile that I had prayed to live longer and say that I enjoyed living! Weird how fears can point out the important things to you in life. But how was I to cram everything that I thought I needed to do for God and others in one week? It was just impossible! I told God, I can’t do it! I wondered if He would be mad at me for skydiving instead of doing something more serving and spiritual. Then through scripture and gentle direction, God reminded me that He already loves me! His perfect love has trampled my imperfections and there is nothing I can do to wreck that endless love! God was not here to judge me but to save me! It would not be my accomplishments for Him that would build me a mansion in Heaven, but my God’s forgiveness and overwhelming love for me. The week passed and I was rather peaceful all the while knowing it could be my last week here on earth. It didn’t help when others tried to talk me out of it as what they said made perfect since….skydiving was a crazy thing to do!

Do others talk you out of crazy things to do for the Lord? Do they cause you shame and uncertainty? Do they cause you to rethink what God is calling you to do? Do not let them slow you down in serving your Father!

Friday night, the night before the jump, I was actually pretty excited and nervous. I was awakened at night several times at the thought of what I was going to be doing the next day. It was early in the morning and I was restless...I needed to spend some time with God. I read a short daily devotional about God’s chosen people of Israel. I think God was trying to remind me that I was one of His chosen daughters….that He loved me so and that I would always be His. This calmed me and I rested easily. My heart was full of His love for me and it made me confident in knowing whatever the outcome of the day, I was God’s. My fear was overtaken by His love and my prayers for peace and comfort were fully answered.

We all met at my cousins house and carpooled together. Everyone had excited nervous emotions as this would be the first time for all of us to be jumping out of an airplane! Upon arriving at the skydiving center, we first prayed together and asked God for safety. Then we all headed to the check in and basically signed our lives away as they warned you that skydiving is indeed dangerous and you could die. The next step was watching a short video of what we needed to know before we went skydiving. You needed to be able to do certain body positions to help control yourself in the air. A slight sinking feeling in my stomach arose but I shook it off. Next we split our group of 15 into 4 smaller groups. I signed myself up for the first group which was with my 3 other girl cousins, Diana, Abby and Rebecca. We then took our valuables to the car and by the time I got back it was already my turn to get geared up! Talk about no time to be nervous! I met my video/photographer and then my tandem instructor, the guy I would be harnessed too and hopefully the guy who would bring me safely down. They both seemed pretty nice and between my cousins and their excitement, I was ready to go jump off an airplane! It was pretty amazing, I really wasn’t scared at all. My instructor had been doing this for 30 plus years which amazed me. I remember him asking me if I talked more if I was nervous, I told him yea I think so. However, my cousins and brother agreed I talk more when I’m excited too and I was certainly both!

I guess the plane ride was about 15 minutes...It didn’t seem that long. I hadn’t been in a plane for a long time and it seemed odd to think that I would be jumping out of this one. I remember a little turbulence got my stomach feeling funny but as we got higher the plane got smoother. The plane ride is a bit awkward as you basically sit inbetween the legs of your instructor with no back rests as the plane went up to keep from leaning back on a guy I didn’t know nor want to squish as he would be the one responsible for getting us down safely, I gripped a tiny spot on the window to keep from sliding backwards or forwards. My instructor noticed and asked if I was making claw lines with my white knuckles on the plane. I kinda laughed and said no, I’m doing fine! We let another diver out at a lower level and as I watched him leave the plane I thought, that could be the last time we see that guy alive! I watched as my altimeter went higher and higher soon my instructor and I were running through the jump instructions again. He told me we would jump at 13,500 feet. I remember talking and joking with the girls and instructors and camera guy and then all the sudden I’m getting attached to my instructor in preparation to jump. I told him to get me nice and tight and that he needed to pull our parachute (they give you an option to try to get it first), I decided I was just going for the ride and didn’t need to possibly pull my parachute and do it wrong breaking it and have to rely on the backup parachute! Rebecca went first. Abby screamed and cheered for everyone going out the window. Her instructor thought that was great! My turn next. I just focused on the position I needed to be in and then we jumped and I felt us fall. We fell at 120mph! Loads of wind made it hard for me to focus on breathing let alone trying to make the cool sign and other funny, cool faces. I was able to grab my camera guys hand (he jumped at the same time as us to capture a video and take pics of the free fall). It was kinda amazing how they could control their fall! The last part of the free fall, I waved good-bye to my camera guy and I felt us screech to a slow down as the parachute came out! Thank you, God! And that’s when I really started to enjoy the sights and could catch my breath and just enjoy the beauty from above looking down. My instructor let me help him drive our canopy and we even did 2 red spins which are the tightest, fastest circles you can do in a tandem skydive so that made me feel less wimpy! As we coasted smoothly into the landing I screamed at my cousins saying, “Hi guys! This is amazing!” We were told in class to lift our legs and kinda slide to the ground on our butts, but my instructor at the last few seconds said you can keep your legs out. It was a soft landing, but my feet didn’t know what to do when they hit the ground after all that dangling air time and actually my RA was kinda bothering me in my feet so my landing was pretty sloppy as I went to me knees. I asked my instructor what I did wrong and he said, “Are you hurt?” I said, nope! And he replied, “Then you did it right!” Once safely to the ground I just became super grateful and hugged my camera guy and instructor! It really was a cool experience and I certainly thanked God for the safety and amazing experience! Guess what? I enjoyed it! I really did and I enjoyed the lessons that God had taught me through skydiving and facing your fears. I heard someone say that God puts the best things behind the door of fear. I was afraid of this door, but yet it was an amazing experience to get a chance to fully rely on my God. To take a leap of faith (quite literally) and know that whatever happens God is going to catch you! I could have died and that would have been another door of fear to walk through, but I knew that if I had to open that door of death that something better was awaiting me on the inside. I would be in the arms of Jesus.

Spiritual insights I learned through skydiving: 1) Don’t be afraid to take a leap of faith even if others say it’s crazy! (I am NOT saying you need to experience skydiving!) I am saying that God calls us to do crazy things and sometimes we don’t do them just because we are afraid of what others will say or we are afraid of what may happen to us. What is God calling you to do for Him today? Small or big, take the leap for Him!

2) I fell out of the plane at 120 mph. That’s crazy fast! How fast are you at following after God? Are you quick to hear His voice? Spend time with Him in prayer and reading scripture? Who or what are you falling for today? Is it something other than Jesus? We need to fall in love with Jesus. Once you chase after and feel that love from God your spirit will be uplifted even stronger than 120mph winds!

3) God does provide parachutes for us at times in our life. He lifts us up out of danger and glides us safely to where He wants us to be. Sometimes our parachute won’t open and He will let us fall, but He is with us even in our fall. I was hooked onto an instructor and he fell with me. I remember telling him to make sure that I was tightly connected to him (I didnt want myself getting loose at these heights and I knew he was my only chance of survival) and he replied that I wouldn't be getting away from him! I picture times in my life where I feel like I’m falling alone and out of control or that God doesn't have me close or tight enough to Him and I may lose Him and I know if I lose my God, I will be forever lost. Yet just as I was securely strapped to my instructor, God had me securely strapped in His hands.  God reminded me of this: He is with me in safety and in danger...even peril. He’s attached to my heart and I’m attached to His heart.

My comfort and help was not in the safety harness, but my Instructor, my God.  So when my tandem instructor replied, "You won't be getting away from me!" I have to smile and think that was exactly what God was saying to me right then!  My dear Sandy you won't be getting away from me!  Such amazing love God has for each of us!!

God, help me to always desire to be attached to you for you are the only one who can save me. Keep me close to you! Amen.

The Healing Part of PAIN

 PAIN......I know it forwards, backwords, upside down, and inside out.  It's likely you've experienced it as well.  Most of us have gone through some kind of pain.  We will try anything to ease pain or to get rid of it completely.  Why does God allow so much pain to certain people and only a pinch to others?  Why do we even have to experience any level of pain?

Just today, it's like the right side of my body is boiling in pain. Couldn't move my shoulder, elbow or ankle without much difficulty and pain.  I drove with my left hand.  I skipped riding my horse after work.  I was a sight climbing stairs just now.  Over the years, I've adapted to using the less painful/swollen parts of my body to working harder as to make up for the weak, painful, immobile parts.  That usually gets me through the day however muscles and joints that were not sore before are now sore from getting the brunt of the work which then leads to your whole body in pain the rest of the day and oftentimes into the night.  It's an exhausting, vicious cycle, but one I and many others have to live with.  

At times, I can't think of any benefits from pain, but pain has actually been a good teacher for me...it's made me see things differently.  When pain persists, and I'm in a teachable mood, it triggers me to start thinking and wondering about stuff that really matters.

As a believer in Jesus Christ, it causes me to really really rely on God for my physical needs and has also made me more feeling and sympathetic for others going through difficulties.  That in turn is one point of healing I get from pain.  Before pain, I never truly cared for anyone going through tough times, I was just glad it wasn't me.  Now my heart aches for others.   So God has used my pain to heal my selfish heart.  I've always wanted a heart like God and to be more like Him and pain is how He does this for me.  

I've asked God in painful moments...."What should I be doing for You while I'm still here?  Is there anything I can be doing even through all this pain.  Am I useful to You for something even during all this?"  Just living for Him and not giving up (Like Job) is one lesson He teaches me from pain. Pain can’t separate me from God. He is with me through the pain and it helps me knowing that my God can feel my pain and I know He can’t wait to heal me completely one day but for now I must serve Him through pain.

Pain has taught me to be thankful for little things like sharing a moment with a friend or family member. It’s also the little things like enjoying a walk with my dog or ride on my horses or having enough energy to dance and run! Pain teaches me to enjoy the moments of less pain or pain free days which hasn’t happened in a while….bummer but when it does I’ll be really thankful!!!

Perhaps most importantly, pain has even taught me to love God better.  I spend more time alone with Him during pain...not really sure anyone else would want to spend as much time with me as He has during my painful days, I'm not exactly fun in pain.  I know that some really do pray and sympathize with me (I love you guys!) they just don't understand me or the pain as much as my God does.  

I'm thankful that God sees the real me even through the pain.  He knows I'm weak and a mess, yet He loves to be with me even during my worst when I can barely offer Him anything.  You know what He tells me?  When I'm at my worst, when it hurts, when I'm frail, when my wisdom is lacking, when my strength is gone.....He tells me I can still love.  I can love Him and I can love others.  It's not hard.  In fact you can do both just by praying.  I love others because I love God and God calls us to love.  There are those of you who are easier to love like family but try loving them without first loving God. 

Pain is a good reminder to focus on what is real and lasting in my life,  Like my relationship with God.  Pain may break me down quite alot, but it builds me into the person that God wants me to be....real.  A real believer in Jesus focused on Him and what matters to Him.  Because pain is real and so is God.  Have you lost your focus on what is real and really matters?  

Pain helps keep me in check with this. I just want to be here to honor and love my God and proclaim His love for me and share it with others.  I want to love so real because He has changed me...and through me He changes others to see that it isn't me loving them, it's the REAL God in me loving them!  Wow can you imagine if we all loved this real?  As in God's real.  Not our best human real, but really loving like our heavenly God.    Ask God to make you real...His real.  You don't need to experience pain to be real for God.  Our world is falling apart because we aren't focused on the real GOD who gives us real answers to get through life.  Not many know how to be real for Him anymore.  Break your self. Let God build you.  Do less for yourself.  Do more for Him.  

Thanks Jesus for giving me a reminder to be real for you.  Though I'm ok with a little break from pain now and then!  ;) 

PAIN

Prepares you to be who God desires you to be

Analyzes what needs changing

Informs you to what really matters in life

Nudges you closer to a better relationship with God

What is Rheumatoid Disease? How you can help me!

I'm going to take a break from the normal blogs I post to help you understand what RA is.  So most of you may be clicking away from this boring post as you've seen me and think.....what's the big deal with that disease?  You look normal to me!

Unfortunately Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) is falsely named as it is not an arthritis (so please don't tell me it is) but a very serious immune system disorder/disease which affects your tissues, joints and the rest of your life!  If you were to look up a definition online you'd get something like this: a chronic progressive disease causing inflammation in the joints and resulting in painful deformity and immobility, especially in the fingers, wrists, feet, and ankles.   

 However, as bad as that sounds...you don't have the complete definition.  It affects all of your body including your heart and lungs and teeth!  So to summarize:  You will have this disease the rest of your life.  It will get worse.  You will experience alot of pain.  You will have deformed joints. (Already 3 of my fingers are deformed)  You will experience immobility. (No joke...lots of joints are unliftable during bad days for me)  Oh yes and it's incurable!  All of which is overwhelmingly bad news.

When I was told I had RA, I never understood how horrible this disease was...In fact, I was in denial....I thought I was strong enough and could persevere through it.  I was also mad, confused and doctors told me I would have to be on drugs (that could present adverse affects) the rest of my life.

Going to the doctor and hearing no cure is not a good day for a patient.  Through my years of having to live with a disease everyday (no breaks)  You do have less painful days and you do have extreme painful days.  But...You are always fatigued (a new level of tired) as your body is constantly fighting against itself.  Just think... it's like living with a cold the rest of your life....no matter how much you want to be rid of it....it's always there.....only this is 100 times worse.....having to live with this everyday can make you feel alone, weak, useless, and hopeless as you become better acquainted and knowledgeable about your disease. Living with a cold everyday of the year would be bad too but I was desperate for an example.

So a typical RA flare day for me is getting up stiffly in the morning with a joint like a hand or wrist that won't open or move.  So little things like doing your hair became very difficult and painful.  It really humbles you.  Waking up at night to go to the bathroom and limping to it.  Not being able to lift something that should be light like a feed bucket or saddle without difficulty and pain. Being so tired you want to sleep but you can never get restful, refreshing sleep.  (I have previously suffered from chronic fatigue for 4 months in which I could only sleep 3 to 4 hours a day)  Talk about serious issues there!  Not being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in at night because of the pain you are in.  Finding new ways to open things if your hands are not working right or not doing them because it is too painful.  Feeling unmotivated because you know it will hurt or cause you pain later.  Other things I've noticed during my life time with this disease (or times when my RA drugs are not working or even when they are working) is more stress, anxiety and depression.  And all of this plays a role on you as a person.  I like being self-reliant so having a disease like this is crippling to my pride.  I don't like asking for help.  I don't like being tired all the time and feeling like I'm not getting things done efficiently or effectively.  When small tasks like opening doors, putting your clothes on, brushing your hair, walking, folding your hands, opening things become so hard it can be very frustrating and depressing as you wonder how much progression will this disease keep giving me when I'm not even 30 yet!   Actually, one of the first things I noticed was how immobile I got....but yet I didn't notice it I just accepted it as I never thought it could be anything serious.

I've now been fighting RA for around 10 years.  I'm use to pain, drugs, shots of all kinds, doctors, new medicines, even tried diets and somewhere in between I lost hope that I would never ever have energy or be pain free again until I died and went to Heaven.  I've asked God for that at times....to take me home, yet I'm still given the opportunity to be here with you.  I've wondered why, but have found new hope in that God's not done with me yet.

When I become very sick (especially in the past 3 years) and my RA seemed to progress aggressively, I placed my hope into newer, bigger drugs, but when I had side affects from those I began to lose hope in ever feeling "back to normal".  Recently, I began a new injectable that helped but cause other side affects not to mention I began to get extremely shot shy.  Even just smelling alcohol made my stomach turn, and the shot itself stung as you put it in and hold it for a long 10 seconds.  As I broke out in sweats just before the shots, I would cry out to God for help and ask Him to help me do this one more time.  Crying and pep talking and eventually getting it into my leg.  One night I couldn't stand it and I told God, "I can't do this anymore!"  I've wondering why God hasn't healed me at times, but am learning He knows best.

I had researched diets before but there was nothing proven to help people with RA.  There are diets to help with arthritis, but please remember that RA is NOT arthritis!  I dealt with lots of false hopes during the past delving into them with no success.  So I decided to wait and if anyone with an RA diet used by RA sufferers said it helped and worked then I would try it!  I just couldn't stand another disappointment. 

Well I'm very excited to say that there is now a diet out there designed specifically for RA sufferers and I am respectively excited to try this.  I know some people can never get off drugs because of how bad they are....Many need surgeries to replace broken joints....but if I could control my RA with diet though it looks to be a mighty HARD diet plan, I'm willing to give it a cowgirls try!

I've been reading the diet plan and finding the info interesting.  You control RA 2 ways (notice I say control not cure) 1. Drugs/Shots 2. Strict dieting. 3. Fasting...I added a 3rd but obviously you can't fast all the time because you need food to live.  Recently I did a 20 hour fast two days in a row and it did help however, the foods I ate after did not...bummer because I love food.  So how serious am I about trying to get a lower level of pain, more energy and better sleep without more and more big drugs?  EXTREMELY!  I have never fasted a day in my life...sure I'll go without lunch or breakfast but I make up with it in the other meals and snacks during the day.  Also I'm learning a fast is kinda pointless if you aren't going to eat good foods for yourself afterword.

I intend to start this diet as soon as I can get all the supplies (which don't look too yummy) so Fasting February here I come!  Actually I will be eating it just won't be pleasurable so please be nice, encouraging and forgive me when I don't want to eat with you or enjoy the food you offer.  So please hide your food before you invite me over.  Maybe have some raw fresh celery around though! ;)     

Asking for prayers of encouragement and wisdom as I delve into something I've never ever wanted to do!  Then again, I never wanted to delve into having a disease either.  And with an aggressive disease you have to be an aggressive player!!

Thank you for your prayers in healing!

You are a big part of my success in this diet plan so be encouraging, hide the sweets, and offer plenty of encouragement!

Also you may ask, what keeps you going through all these years?  I've always said I really love the verse "The joy of the Lord is my strength." because I understand that verse better now and have come to really appreciate it and find in so very true that His joy is my strength!

The Bad me, the Good God

It's that time of year again when my horses feel cooped up, energetic, grumpy, forget how to be good and become very spooky!  I guess humans would call it seasonal acute depression.  If you live in either mud or frozen ground and can't giddy up and be a horse, it can cause even good horses to act well....a bit insane!

I rode Kitty yesterday with my sister and her horse Colty.  It was warm but very windy as it was blowing in cccold air.  My horse decided to be really energetic (did not want to walk and if she walked she also wanted to spook which led to more prancing and not walking).  Many times horses react to a change in the weather and today Kitty was letting me know she had been cooped up too long and not given enough exercise even though it had only been 2 days! Not only was the wind blowing hard at my coat, but it must have blown my horses brain away!  I decided to trot her up and down the road back and forth since Colty wasn't about to do an endurance ride the whole time!  This seemed to help and although she was spooky the whole ride she settled in and became a mostly good horse again.

Missy had the grumpy grulla routine going on and MUCH energy to release as well.  I worked her in the round pen all the while she was rearing, leaping in the air, bucking, kicking (sometimes in my direction...not good at all), and continuously at a slow run which is impressive for the small space!  Generally, I get it...my horses need to get some horse time and run and buck and get "the edge" off as we, equestrians call it!

I thought I had spent enough time with Missy that she could be good and listen now in order to try more liberty training, but her mind was just not focused.  Instead she was ...running over me and doing her best to not focus on me...in fact she was looking away from me and turning her backside to me (a big sign of disrespect).  I kept at it though and had her doing some things ok and other things she just wasn't there! It was like her mind had totally blown away like the wind!!!  I was frustrated and so my training technique became more stubborn, as did my horse.  I was thinking to myself....Missy this should be easy for you...why can't you get this?  Why can't you do this basic thing right like you usually do?  What's wrong with my horses today?

I'd have to give credit to God for help in training my 2 horses and especially me because I was getting impatient, but He reminded me of this:  Sometimes, I think that about my children too.  They get so caught up in how their day is going or how they feel, they forget who they really are and all of the training I have taught them!  But just like your horses, I know that all my children have bad days....and this doesn't make me love them any less!

I've often wondered and questioned God about being bad.  I'm bad many times and no matter how hard I try, I still have a Bad me!  I've thought...What if God comes back on a Bad Day for me?  What if I'm just like my horses and ignore the things He has taught me and disrespect Him?  What if I'm not focused on Him that day?  What if on that day, I act like I'm not a child of God?

Would God still take me to Heaven with Him?  Or would He give me what I deserve....a good whipping?....not claim me as one of His?  Forsake me because I had a bad day?

I think this is a question we ask in many different ways.  God, how much do you love me?

Then God let me in on something that sounds too good to be true.  He claimed me.  God doesn't want to sneak up on His children and point out all their flaws and erase their names from the Lambs Book of Life.  Instead He told me He is patient and kind and that I needed to apply the same method to my horse.  I needed to be patient with her.  Just because she was having a bad, not-focused-on-her-trainer day, just meant I needed to be even more patient and loving to her.  I backed up my training to kindergarten steps which seemed silly with the caliber I'm use to with her, but God told me too so I did.  Taking the time for one small step closer to being focused on the trainer helped Missy progress and the safer and more focused she became....not to her potential but it did slowly return her focus.  That's exactly what God has to do with us at times.  I'm so glad He doesn't get as frustrated as I do!  Instead He provides even more patience, love and gentleness to draw back His Bad children.

I love my horses even on their worst days and even when they hurt me.  My horses would never purposely try to hurt me, they genuinely love me and this is the lesson God wanted me to learn that He loves me in the same way.  He loves me on my Bad days and He loves me on my Good days.  He wants you to know that He has enough love for you to get you through those bad days! He knows we don't purposely try to hurt Him, ignore Him and disrespect Him....He knows we face many trials of all sizes and shapes...He knows we can't always be good.   And if you are wondering what if God comes on one of my bad days will He forsake me or claim me as His....?  I'm proud to say I most certainly claim and love my horses!  I'm proud to own and train both of them!  And that is how God responds to us even on our bad days!  Thank you, Thank you God for loving me and claiming me as your own even on my bad days!

It's not about having more good days than bad, it's all about letting God live in your heart everyday.