Sorry no updates lately as I was hoping to post that God got me out of this fiery trial but instead He seems to be keeping me in it and it's getting harder rather than easier. I honestly can't see much good in my life right now and the good I see seems like God is on the verge of taking that away too. How would you be doing if God took your health away and caused you pain everyday, took a family member who loved and supported you and took your full time job that you loved away...and then He is silent.
A poem I wrote in my struggle:
Dear God, I admit I'm depressed.
My situation has got me stressed.
I feel like giving up you see
As you don't seem to realize what all is happening to me.
There comes a time when it's harder to live than die
Life keeps getting harder no matter how hard I try.
I'd like you to just get me gone,
But for some reason, you let me keep struggling on.
I ask You why do I have to live another day
When I have to walk this painful way?
What can I possibly do now for you
When you've taken away all that I use to do?!
I'm lonely and sad. Abandoned broke and weak.
I'm not sure I can handle another defeat.
Why is it God that I'm still here?
All I face is unknowns and fear!
I don't have anything left to give...
So why is it that you let me live?
Your silence is hard to understand
Because, in my heart, I know you have a plan!
Lord, I'm trying to read and pray
But I can't seem to do it everyday.
Forgive me for failing you Lord.
Help me to once again pick up my spiritual sword
As I don't want to be left alone in my dark season
Please give me a passion for you and a reason
To keep going on when everything goes wrong...
Because God, I want you to make me strong!
Amen.
Perhaps you have caught yourself saying a similar prayer. You don't know how to go on and you seem consumed by the devil and fiery trials. And it would be easier if God would just come get us or rescue us!! But for some reason God doesn't always do that. He wants us to endure. And that can be tough cuz others peoples lives are going great and ours are a mess...
But here is one answer God gave me through a David Wilkerson sermon. The reason you aren't giving up, the reason you can keep going...though it makes no sense to you to do that is because of the Holy Spirit in your life. Yes it's because of God! How encouraging this was for me to hear! The reason I can go on is not because of me but Him. And I'm happy God is still living in me...such a relief. As much as I'm struggling to know God is still in me gives me endurance again.
