...I shouldn't have come to church".....Not something you'd expect a Christian to say, right? "Why did I feel great (full of praise and worship) before church and after church I felt like a total mess?"
I can't begin to catch you up on my life right now, but think of the hardest struggle you've ever been in and then add that to the greatest spiritual struggle you've ever been in and that would give you a fairly accurate description of how my life's been...The struggles come with ups and downs....good days and bad-some very bad. I get a boost and then get pulled back down. It's like a cycle in which I have to be constantly aware of my cunning enemy, Satan, and constantly running to my loving God and my Deliverer.
Last Sunday was communion and was sobering enough for me as my first Sunday back for awhile, but I felt blessed to be able to take part in it. Now its Easter weekend and we, believers, know what happened on Good Friday--another sobering church attendance for me...though I was super happy to be going to church!
As I sat sobered and convicted of my sins that nailed Jesus to the cross, I began to think how utterly dumb and selfish I am to think that the suffering I've gone through and am going through is rough. It NEVER helps when you think that the sermon is pointed directly at you......but I had a little help with this....Did you know that Satan comes to church? Every Good Friday we celebrate, Satan is trying to tear down Christians into believing what I was beginning to believe...."God doesn't love you....how could He after you've done all this to Him? You really think God can love you after what you did to His son, Jesus?" Unfortunately, it didn't stop there.
I was pounded by more pricks to the heart after the minister talked of others trials (which seemed way harder than mine) and then talked of how horrible Jesus's suffering must have been....The Romans took pride in their crucifixions of being absolutely torturous...some died before they got to the cross. Jesus's pain was great, but sometimes the pain of our hearts is stronger than the pain of our bodies, and I can readily believe this. In the Garden, Jesus asked for his disciples to pray for him...Twice! And they couldn't stay awake. How lonely is it to feel abandoned?! Jesus was abandoned by everyone that day....Even God. God loved us sooo much that He gave His sinless son, Jesus, up to be slaughtered and abandoned and cursed. There were many good points brought out in this sermon that left Mom and I talking about it most of the way home from church!
Anyways, after the sermon was over I wanted to run out of church so fast, because my heart hurt. Satan kept telling me I shouldn't have come and I was willing to believe that.....but something kept me still in the pew almost like I wasn't able to move as my thoughts went 110 mph! I think it was God, standing over me, waiting for me to turn away from Satan......
Satan talks more than God does. Or I feel that we listen to Satan more than we do God. I don't especially like listening to people who I know don't care a bit for me, so why do I listen to Satan? Why is he so convincing? Why is he so powerful? Why is it that we, humans, tend to focus more on the bad than the good? I've heard many people say that after receiving say, 100 cards--98 of them really encouraging and 2 very discouraging/tear you apart cards....which cards do you think they remember? Yes. Those 2 cards of hurtful discouraging words is what they remember most.....
I have to bring out one more point in the sermon because I really need to work on this myself....that is forgetting and forgiving myself (and others who hurt me) for the mistakes I've made and confessed before God because GOD FORGETS/FORGIVES OUR SINS!!! Once we confess it, He forgets it! If we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us! (Tell me your heart is pounding here too..mine sure was last night)
"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Isaiah 43:25
Matt 6:14-15 “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” NIV
So, then Satan tried again....He brought up all my sins like a powerpoint presentation...bullet after bullet....page after page....and Satan was right, I had done all these sins....But I had CONFESSED!!! God has even FORGOTTEN my sin! I think I need to focus on those 98 encouraging cards, rather than the 2 very hurtful cards....
I went to bed late as I just had to delve into more scripture before I even thought about falling asleep! Did you know that Satan reads scripture too? Sometimes with you too! I was thankful that God took Satan away as I prayed and I actually started to get sleepy....
This whole time of suffering for me has been tough and I know it's not over...it will never be over until Jesus calls me home...I don't know when that will be, but I've been telling Jesus that I want to be with Him and anytime is good with me!
"I just wanted to be hugged by Jesus. I wanted to feel His love." That has been part of my prayer.
I saw Jesus last night. Not in person, but I dreamed about Him. I dreamed I was running through woods full of snares set up by Satan. My destination was Jesus! I knew at the end I would see Jesus! I wasn't the only one running and I wasn't the only one caught in snares.....I kept tripping on logs and vines, but I kept getting up and running! I remember being caught in some thorns and each way I turned just made it worse and I saw other believers running by me, but I couldn't yell out for help! I didn't want them to know I was so stuck! Panicking, I wondering if I'd be stuck there and Never get out to see Jesus! Just then, another believer stopped and asked me if I needed help. "Is Jesus really up there?" I asked worn out from my struggling belief and ripped body. "Yes. Come on I'll help you out! Give me your hand!" they said. I took their hand and relief was instant as they pulled me out of the thorns. I began running again more tired, but encouraged by the believer who had encouraged me that Jesus was just up ahead! And then I saw Jesus standing there with His arms wide open ready to give me a hug! But then I woke up! I never got to hug Jesus. I really wanted to hug Jesus! I looked up and I was still in my room...my clock said 5am....rats I'm still an earthling...those were the two quick things that came to my brain...then I realized what had happened and I felt so good! Right then and there I cried out to Jesus! I love you Jesus! 100%. I can't wait to hug you! I can't wait to be with you! I see that you love me too! Thank you so much! Please take all of me because I want all of you! Tears came down...I was so happy to feel that love after being totally knocked out and stuck by Satan!
I hope the hugging lines to Jesus aren't too long in Heaven because I was disappointed that I couldn't hug Him....I think Jesus wants me to stay running and fighting for now....I will get to hug him in Heaven, but my battle here is not over yet. God says I have to do a lot more running, bleeding and tripping to do yet but stay focused because Jesus is really up there!
And along the way, if you need some help out of thorns, don't be afraid to let another believer help you out! And I hope that if I see someone struggling, I can reach my hand out and pull them out of the thorns! Not everyone will want to grab your hand, but offer it anyway! Many want too, we're just too scared to reach for it!
Believers, We need each other! Yes, we have Jesus. He's the most important! But we still need each other. WE are responsible for showing God's love....How sad if we can't share our hurts with other believers when this is what God calls us to do! Love one another....bear each other's burdens....spur each other on in love...encourage each other....forgive one another.....all of these are very biblical and very Jesus btw.
I have so much I'm learning right now...sure I backslide too, but I'm hoping that after this long battle I will be better equip to do all that for my fellow believers. I fully appreciate that love as it helps me battle over and over again with Satan. Thanks doesn't seem to cover it. I love you all!
