It's been awhile since I posted, but it is hard to condense thoughts lately....however, I'd like to share with you just a tidbit for now....Life has been piling up and I feel so useless in areas and I often wonder..."Why did this happen?" "Does Jesus really love me?" "Does He still have a plan for me even though I've made so many, many wrongs and mistakes?" A thought suddenly came to me....Have I really spent intimate time with God and told Him everything that worries me or is on my mind? I decided that I needed to tell Him all of my thoughts last night....so in the dark after I fed the horses I broke down and shared...EVERYTHING I could think of one of them being...."Do you still love me when I make mistakes or when I don't amount up to what you wanted of me?" See I know there are times that I fail God miserably..... As a horse trainer, my horses sometimes fail me and do something totally wrong which can make me mad, sad, or just lose hope that they'll never get it! Will they amount to anything besides stupid? I'm sure you've felt that way about something/someone too.....
As I began to cry outside, I longed for Jesus to tell me that He still cared about me. I began to preach to myself (I give myself spiritual peptalks...) and before I knew it God had given me the answer. It's okay to not feel okay. It's okay to realize that you need God! And as the tears streamed down my face I realized Jesus was there with me and I think I even felt Him give my heart a hug.
What was the answer?
Jesus often talks to me in a language I understand.....horse.
The answer was this--Jesus reminded me of my deep love for my horses and how they disappoint me, hurt me, and do wrong things....yet do I still love them? Yes. I love them. Jesus made me realize that that is how He loves me too. Yes, Sandy, you disappoint me, hurt me and do wrong things, but just as you haven't given up on your horses, I haven't given up on you! I can still use you because I love you and I will always love you just like you'll always love your horses. Your heart is mine and I know it is full of wanting to do what is right.....Yes you make mistakes, but I am here with you and I will never leave you. I'm not going to be the one to do that.....I love you too much to leave you, Sandy. You will have to do the leaving and tonight you've made me happy because you came to me broken and I can help fix you because your heart is ready to be filled with hope and love tonight.
I'm still full of tears as I write this......friends, Jesus knows our hearts....He understands our problems....He knows we make mistakes....He wants to be there for us anyways because He loves us. Just cry out to Jesus!
