"I was doing great, but then I went to church.....

...I shouldn't have come to church".....Not something you'd expect a Christian to say, right?  "Why did I feel great (full of praise and worship) before church and after church I felt like a total mess?"

I can't begin to catch you up on my life right now, but think of the hardest struggle you've ever been in and then add that to the greatest spiritual struggle you've ever been in and that would give you a fairly accurate description of how my life's been...The struggles come with ups and downs....good days and bad-some very bad.  I get a boost and then get pulled back down.  It's like a cycle in which I have to be constantly aware of my cunning enemy, Satan, and constantly running to my loving God and my Deliverer.

Last Sunday was communion and was sobering enough for me as my first Sunday back for awhile, but I felt blessed to be able to take part in it.  Now its Easter weekend and we, believers, know what happened on Good Friday--another sobering church attendance for me...though I was super happy to be going to church!

As I sat sobered and convicted of my sins that nailed Jesus to the cross, I began to think how utterly dumb and selfish I am to think that the suffering I've gone through and am going through is rough.  It NEVER helps when you think that the sermon is pointed directly at you......but I had a little help with this....Did you know that Satan comes to church?  Every Good Friday we celebrate, Satan is trying to tear down Christians into believing what I was beginning to believe...."God doesn't love you....how could He after you've done all this to Him?  You really think God can love you after what you did to His son, Jesus?"  Unfortunately, it didn't stop there.

I was pounded by more pricks to the heart after the minister talked of others trials (which seemed way harder than mine) and then talked of how horrible Jesus's suffering must have been....The Romans took pride in their crucifixions of being absolutely torturous...some died before they got to the cross.  Jesus's pain was great, but sometimes the pain of our hearts is stronger than the pain of our bodies, and I can readily believe this.  In the Garden, Jesus asked for his disciples to pray for him...Twice! And they couldn't stay awake.  How lonely is it to feel abandoned?!  Jesus was abandoned by everyone that day....Even God.  God loved us sooo much that He gave His sinless son, Jesus, up to be slaughtered and abandoned and cursed.  There were many good points brought out in this sermon that left Mom and I talking about it most of the way home from church!

Anyways, after the sermon was over I wanted to run out of church so fast, because my heart hurt. Satan kept telling me I shouldn't have come and I was willing to believe that.....but something kept me still in the pew almost like I wasn't able to move as my thoughts went 110 mph!   I think it was God, standing over me, waiting for me to turn away from Satan......

Satan talks more than God does.  Or I feel that we listen to Satan more than we do God.  I don't especially like listening to people who I know don't care a bit for me, so why do I listen to Satan?  Why is he so convincing?  Why is he so powerful?  Why is it that we, humans, tend to focus more on the bad than the good?  I've heard many people say that after receiving say, 100 cards--98 of them really encouraging and 2 very discouraging/tear you apart cards....which cards do you think they remember?  Yes.  Those 2 cards of hurtful discouraging words is what they remember most.....

I have to bring out one more point in the sermon because I really need to work on this myself....that is forgetting and forgiving myself (and others who hurt me) for the mistakes I've made and confessed before God because GOD FORGETS/FORGIVES OUR SINS!!!  Once we confess it, He forgets it!  If we don't forgive others, God won't forgive us!  (Tell me your heart is pounding here too..mine sure was last night)

"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Isaiah 43:25

Matt 6:14-15 “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”  NIV

So, then Satan tried again....He brought up all my sins like a powerpoint presentation...bullet after bullet....page after page....and Satan was right, I had done all these sins....But I had CONFESSED!!! God has even FORGOTTEN my sin!  I think I need to focus on those 98 encouraging cards, rather than the 2 very hurtful cards....

I went to bed late as I just had to delve into more scripture before I even thought about falling asleep!  Did you know that Satan reads scripture too?  Sometimes with you too!  I was thankful that God took Satan away as I prayed and I actually started to get sleepy....

This whole time of suffering for me has been tough and I know it's not over...it will never be over until Jesus calls me home...I don't know when that will be, but I've been telling Jesus that I want to be with Him and anytime is good with me!

"I just wanted to be hugged by Jesus.  I wanted to feel His love."  That has been part of my prayer.

I saw Jesus last night.  Not in person, but I dreamed about Him.  I dreamed I was running through woods full of snares set up by Satan.  My destination was Jesus! I knew at the end I would see Jesus! I wasn't the only one running and I wasn't the only one caught in snares.....I kept tripping on logs and vines, but I kept getting up and running!  I remember being caught in some thorns and each way I turned just made it worse and I saw other believers running by me, but I couldn't yell out for help! I didn't want them to know I was so stuck!  Panicking, I wondering if I'd be stuck there and Never get out to see Jesus!  Just then, another believer stopped and asked me if I needed help.  "Is Jesus really up there?" I asked worn out from my struggling belief and ripped body.  "Yes.  Come on I'll help you out! Give me your hand!" they said.  I took their hand and relief was instant as they pulled me out of the thorns.  I began running again more tired, but encouraged by the believer who had encouraged me that Jesus was just up ahead!  And then I saw Jesus standing there with His arms wide open ready to give me a hug!  But then I woke up! I never got to hug Jesus.  I really wanted to hug Jesus!  I looked up and I was still in my room...my clock said 5am....rats I'm still an earthling...those were the two quick things that came to my brain...then I realized what had happened and I felt so good!  Right then and there I cried out to Jesus! I love you Jesus!  100%.  I can't wait to hug you!  I can't wait to be with you!  I see that you love me too!  Thank you so much!  Please take all of me because I want all of you!  Tears came down...I was so happy to feel that love after being totally knocked out and stuck by Satan!

I hope the hugging lines to Jesus aren't too long in Heaven because I was disappointed that I couldn't hug Him....I think Jesus wants me to stay running and fighting for now....I will get to hug him in Heaven, but my battle here is not over yet.  God says I have to do a lot more running, bleeding and tripping to do yet but stay focused because Jesus is really up there!

And along the way, if you need some help out of thorns, don't be afraid to let another believer help you out!  And I hope that if I see someone struggling, I can reach my hand out and pull them out of the thorns!  Not everyone will want to grab your hand, but offer it anyway!  Many want too, we're just too scared to reach for it!

Believers, We need each other!  Yes, we have Jesus.  He's the most important!  But we still need each other.  WE are responsible for showing God's love....How sad if we can't share our hurts with other believers when this is what God calls us to do!  Love one another....bear each other's burdens....spur each other on in love...encourage each other....forgive one another.....all of these are very biblical and very Jesus btw.

I have so much I'm learning right now...sure I backslide too, but I'm hoping that after this long battle I will be better equip to do all that for my fellow believers.  I fully appreciate that love as it helps me battle over and over again with Satan.  Thanks doesn't seem to cover it.  I love you all!


 

Is your life CrAzY?

Mine is!!!  Yours too?  I bet it is!  Sometimes we get wrapped into thinking that others lives are less crazy than ours and we must be dealt a poor hand while others are holding onto the "good" life!  I recently heard a minister say that there are always those people in our lives that seem to have it altogether and then those that just can't seem to get anything to fit right....And another I've heard is some people can walk down the street singing and dancing with perfect rhythm while others can't even walk and chew gum at the same time!  (Trust me on that it's true...I've totally choked on my gum...I was throwing hay bales off a loft) I think it was more from the spit going down the wrong pipe, but you catch my drift....

Here's a tidbit from my crazy life.  Last Monday after driving home from work and in a tired stage I was travelling round the driveway like I normally do and have done for the last upteen years, but instead of missing the horse trailer (like I normally do) I bumped into it!  GRR! I was so upset with my mistake and I felt pretty stupid....I damaged the side light on the trailer and my truck has a scratch line that will forever remind me of my "graceful" moment.  As I was reviewing the damages I sliced my finger on the broken plastic light which led to dripping blood over the kitchen floor....Then by the end of the week my insurance company sends me a license renewal saying that since my driving record is so amazingly perfect, I can renew my license online!!!  Sometimes you just have to laugh at how life works...seems to me I wasn't ready to laugh quite yet at the time!

Then there's those moments in life where your bank statement comes and your balances don't match....or the wind blows so hard it blows the cover off your truck and you find yourself in a war with the wind to secure it...yup another bloody hand....

Then there's my sweet horse who's been acting strangely for over a week now....She tosses her head up and down as I ride and lip smacks on occasion which is absolutely Not normal for her!  She's eating good, but I still think it's weird....especially when last Saturday, I get her out to ride and she's less than thrilled with the idea...she wouldn't even budge without head tossing!  I got off of her and took her to the roundpen where she just stood their looking at me as if trying to tell me in the only way she knew how that she didn't feel her usual self.  She indeed wasn't.  I really had to work at getting her to move around so I stopped and let her stand and she just came up to me and put her head in my face so I stood their rubbing her head and trying to tell her that I knew she wasn't up to par today....Kitty and I go way back together so it's easy for each of us to tell if the other isn't feeling right, I gave her a treat since she still insisted on doing tricks and she chewed it in an interesting way...could be teeth problems....?

It was time to look for a horse dentist!  So blessed to have horse friends who are willing to give advice, I received lots of help when I found out my dentists weren't going to be in the area till May!

My vet told me of a good one (he knows me and my horses well) so next week hopefully we'll have Kitty feeling better!  While on the phone I mentioned to him that I didn't want just any old farm vet working on my horse!  oops!  mistake again.  I called him right back to apologize as I say some things without thinking...see truth is he is a farm vet.....but he is also the best farm vet and one of the only guys I trust working on my horses, which I told him!  I just love him, but I wanted to be sure he knew I wanted a reputable dentist too.

Wow....so I really make mistakes lots during just one day!  And there is always, ALWAYS! stuff happening here to make me wonder...IS MY LIFE THE ONLY CRAZY LIFE?  AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO MAKES MISTAKES EVERY SINGLE DAY OF HER LIFE???!!!!!  How is one to get ahead in life if they are always behind?

Honestly, I tend to lose my senses a bit more when one of my horse's get's sick, injured or acts abnormal or a family member is having trouble....I'll also admit that I talk too much without thinking. Which is why it's almost better to write so you can see it first or to just close the big mouth and open the listening ear.

A line from Anne of Green Gables keeps tracking through my mind.."Tomorrow is a day with no mistakes in it"...at least not yet.  Why do I remember that line?  It points me to a Bible verse that I love!!!

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23 

God forgets and forgives our mistakes every day!!  Yes, at the end of the day, during the day, and even the night, I have to ask His forgiveness, but His love for me never fails and nor does His mercy and forgiveness and this is why we can wake up with JOY in the morning because we have HOPE!

This is how to get ahead in life;  Seek JOY.  How?  List off all the blessings in your life....what are you thankful for?  Admit your mistakes.  The Bible says to confess our faults to one another..James 5:16..it goes on to say to pray for each other....that's partly why we confess...we need others to pray for us as life is hard and you will make mistakes.  "The truth will set you free"  Admitting your mistakes frees you of Satan's power over you. Then it's much easier to soak in God's forgiveness and love. Keep Hope Alive.  Chances are if your hope is dead than so is your faith and love...yes and your joy.  Hope is hard.  While watching/hearing the news you lose hope...another rape, another murder, another shooting, another bad political decision....it's true the world is full of hopelessness!  The world and our individual problems make it easy to lose hope.  It's a challenge, but we can't lose hope!  I'll admit that during the winter months, it's very easy for me to lose hope...it cold, windy, dreary, and nothing really exciting..rather, fun happens till spring!  But I press on because I have hope that spring is coming with better weather, fun stuff, and more riding time!!

So even if I end up poor and make many mistakes the rest of my life, I can have HOPE because Jesus's love NEVER FAILS!!  I can go on because a better life awaits me in Heaven!  "This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through!"  Sure I'd rather pass through this world as comfortable as possible with all my needs and wants taken care of!.... but then I wouldn't be learning just how much Jesus loves me and wants me to trust Him.....and then maybe I wouldn't have any faith, love or joy in Jesus because I wouldn't need Him.   Mistakes bring us closer to Jesus! Without them we may think we can do it ourselves (I'm guilty)....Mistakes show us how weak we are and just how much we need Jesus.....I need Him so much!

Doing good. Does it really matter?

Windy and cold.  Doctor appointments.  Less riding time.  Too much to do.  More trials.  Same old. Unfinished business. Stresses of life.

Is life tiring you out?  Are you getting weary, Christian?  I've had this verse on my mind of late. Galations 6:9  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

There is so much hurt in this world.  I've hurt people.  People have hurt me.  We hurt each other.  But should that keep us from doing good?  I have been hurt by doing good.  I had thought if I do good, that should mean I should get something good out of it.  Not so.  The Bible clearly states don't become weary in doing good....meaning that it's tough to keep doing good!  It's tough to keep loving someone who doesn't deserve it...it's tough to reach out in love to someone and be smacked instead...it's tough to read and pray but not get answers or at least not the ones we want.  

I am weary. I was wondering why I should do this good if it only makes me weary?  The verse answers this in that we will get a bountiful blessing (Heaven) if we don't give up.  But giving up is so so easy.  It doesn't require any work at all and in fact can make you feel "lighter" as you say to yourself, "Well at least I tried not to be weary for awhile!"  But the thought of why should I not give up (does it really matter) bothered me......

Today was a cold, windy 20 some degree day, but I decided to work my horses together on some liberty work in the yard.  They could use the exercise and I needed some therapy.  Kitty was working superb, even though I could tell she didn't like the hard frozen ground, she still wanted to listen to me.  Missy was being silly due to not being exercised for a couple days and then she was being stubborn about cantering on the hard ground.  Poor Kitty and I cantered circles and circles trying to get Missy to canter beside us, but Missy was either too frisky or too tired to corporate.  At one point I just let go of the lead rope so Missy could do her own frisky things without upsetting Kitty.  And that's when Jesus started to explain some lessons to me about why a Christian should not grow weary of doing good!

Kitty was the perfect example of what a true believer should be.  She never once gave up or gave in to becoming weary of the hard ground or weary of the constant circling....she kept her focus on her trainer the whole time and did not grow weary of her job.  Missy, on the other hand, was weary of doing good.  Missy was a good example of those of us who are weary and want to give up.  What happened?  She was letting lifes situations get to her.  The everyday bucks of life caused her focus to fade and she decided that becoming weary was easier than doing good.  And yes I had to let go of her!  She wanted to go her own path because doing good seemed exhausting to her.....why should she do good if it's harder work and why should she do good if it's more painful than giving up?

Yet, Kitty and I were there for her.  We weren't about to weary in doing good so we picked up her lead rope and tried again and again and again until finally Missy became joyful instead of weary in doing good. What changed her actions?  You know God sometimes let's go of us for awhile...He lets us take our own paths and when they get bumpy enough He asks us gently to try to walk with Him again.  Sometimes we say no, but other times we say yes because we're usually in a big mess by that time...as I grabbed the lead rope I visualized God grabbing me again after I become weary....and I couldn't help but think that I never want Him to ever drop my lead rope again! Never!!  Yet God wants us to walk on our own sometimes to better our reliance on Him and sometimes, well sometimes that means doing good...so much good that it almost becomes wearisome!  That's when Believers like Kitty step in....They see struggling believers like Missy who are becoming weary and walking off the narrow path....so if they are like Kitty they keep trying to reach out to bring them back whether that's praying for them, writing them a letter, a call, a hug, an email, etc. however long it takes because they never grow weary.  If there were no Kitty's, there would be many more lost Missy's.

What I am saying here? I'm saying that if we were all weary Believers in Christ, there would be no one to help save the lost. No one to show God's love and mercy for those that need it desperately.  No one to come along side the lost or struggling believer and say, "Jesus loves you and so do I!  I know He has a plan for you! A plan to prosper you and not to harm you!"  Jeremiah 29:11

It's tough to do good.  We're human. We mess up.  I sometimes downright feel like a flop!  But don't let your mess ups tire you from striving to do good!  Our reward is great....undeserved, but that should just show you how much God truly loves us!  He wants to reward us anyways and that makes me less tired and more willing to do good!

The Pony Express Rides Again! New Years Resolutions!

It's officially afternoon and I'm still sitting in my pj's! I've done lots of stuff (including outside chores!) in my pj's today but I can't seem to officially change to start the day!  Perhaps this is what happened to my blogs as well....I get something on my heart that I know I should share, but yet I'm so comfortable and lazy that I shove it off for whatever reason.  We're busy, right?  It's true we are busy with things, but that's what they are....things!  This year my resolution hasn't changed much from my past resolution which was to show the love of Jesus more, to be a more loving person!  Yes I still want to do this, but I also feel I need to use my time more wisely.

Most of you know, I'm not a lazy person I love to be doing things, but this year I want to be doing more things worthy of praising Jesus not just my own pleasures!

So I started this resolution a bit early but here it is:  I want to include Jesus more in my life!  I want to go to Him first when problems arise...I want to share my heart more often with Him.....and I want to show my love for Him by loving others and spending more time with Jesus in prayer, acts of love, Bible reading and anything else he lays on my heart!

This December, I was feeling on fire for Jesus and I asked Him what He would like for me to do!  I was thinking, as usual, that He'd ask me for something so super great that I would be the next Billy Graham!!!  haha...well I do this to myself sometimes...I think I have to be doing something great for it to actually count for Jesus.....as I was doing good and showing lots of love I became pretty happy with myself for the fire that was burning and just feeling like I could tackle just about anything!

Then it hit!  Trials.  new news. Horse problems.  got sick. couldn't sleep.  throat closures came back.  had a fever.  No energy!  But why?  I asked God. I had all these plans that I was going to do for YOU!  Why are you punishing me for doing stuff for you!?

Ya see I thought I had it figured out....If you are doing stuff for Jesus nothing bad happens to you....

It's funny. I had just talked to someone in church and He was saying the exact same thing as me.  He was doing the most He had ever done with his life for Jesus and then all sorts of tragedies and hardships came!

WHY DOES GOD DO THIS?

Yes.  We can get a bit bitter about it can't we, but nowhere in the Bible does it state that Jesus gives everyone who serves Him a free and easy ride here on earth!  In fact it says He disciplines those He loves!  Rev. 3:19 and many more passages!

So here I was stuck with a list of things I wanted to do for Jesus but feeling sick and trialed up!  I asked God why....You know what He said?

It's amazing really!  Jesus is so loving!  Jesus gently took me aside and told me that He loves me and said if you really loved me you wouldn't let all this sickness and all these trials slow you down from serving me.  Sandy, did you really want to serve me?....or did you want to become something great by using me?  See, Sandy, that's why I disciplined you...I love you too much to lose you...I don't need you to be great....I need you to be willing to serve me during your sicknesses and trials...can you love me that much to keep serving me in spite of this?  Or are you so uncommitted to me that you need a "perfect" life in order to serve me?

JESUS KNOWS US BETTER THAN WE KNOW OURSELVES!!!!  He knows that I can't handle a perfect life! I need those trials to bring me closer to Him!  To realize I desperately need Him and His discipline!!!

So to shorten this up...I stuck to it!  And during this time Jesus answered my request of what could I do for Him?

I ride alot around my country neighborhood and I get to talk to alot of my neighbors and some of them are so sweet! Some let me ride on their land, some like to chat as I ride by and some are so nice and drive super slow around us as we ride the roads.  Jesus laid it on my heart to thank them this year....so I did Pony Express style!  I rode to each of their mailboxes and dropped a letter into each mailbox with a thank you card and hot chocolate packages!  I was so excited to be used by Jesus in this way it made me feel so good!  And it was sooooo simple!!!!!  A letter.

You don't have to do anything great!!!  DO SOMETHING SMALL FOR JESUS!!!  You don't have to shrug these small things off saying to yourself it's so small it couldn't possibly matter!!!  If GOD LAYS IN ON YOUR HEART---DO IT!!!  Don't be afraid of what others think!  God so wants to use us...don't wait for something big like I do.....however God wants to use you is BIG no matter how tiny it seems to you!

This year I want to listen to that still, small voice that says many things to my heart....and I want to do more of what that voice inside my heart is suggesting no matter how small!  Love and hugs to you all for a safe and blessed New Year serving our amazing, loving Father!

The pictures below are of the first Pony Express delivery day which I talked all my siblings into helping me which was pretty special!  

If we love Jesus the most, the world will never destroy us!

There's a popular series of movies (made after books) recently finished this year and although it's been a thing for about 4 years I started getting into them this time last year......Honestly, the Hunger Games series was the last movie I wanted to watch...I mean who wants to see kids killing kids?  And dark, disturbing stuff like that?  My brother tried to convince me to watch it but it took my mother joining in that actually persuaded me.   It's a gripping series.....  Especially for me and what I was going through, what the world is going through---there are some startling truths!   

You'll have to watch it to see what you think but here are a few quick points for the first movie, Hunger Games.  

1. Set up with 13 districts, each one providing and specializing in something for the Capitol.  The Capitol area rich the districts poor...I feel in ways that our country/world is falling into this category as we all want to spread the wealth (it sounds good right? Everyone gets taken care of) when really you have extremes either rich or poor because your government sets what is fair and what's not. 

2.  The Capitol people were attracted to what was in style, always interested in what could be better, the next cool thing!  Peeta even brought out that the showers made him smell like roses!  We are soo that way today...just look at commercials.....we are told that their is always something better out there so if you aren't content don't worry we have the next best thing...We begin to be less and less thankful and more and more greedy.

3.  The Capitol people loved violence.  Have you seen what's on tv today?  Nothing but violence and evil compares to what was on just 50 years ago.  Really I'm ashamed of our society and how downhill it is going....yes there are good people just like the good people in this series.....but the capitol kids would watch the district kids fight each other to the death and think it was funny and entertaining to where they were numb to the whole horrible scenes!  Just like when I watched the last part of mockingjay parents brought their kids to see this violence and promoted it?....I just feel that's very wrong.   We need to promote whatever is pure, just, lovely, of good report (Phil. 4:8)

4.  In order to get sponsors to help support them in the fights "games" the district kids would have to put on a show for the crowd and please the crowd.  How often do we please the crowd if it means saving our own skins?  How often do we just join in because it's the easiest thing to do!  I was reminded again of scripture..."You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved."  Matt. 10:22.  

5.  Peeta says to Katniss "I just don't want them to change me...turn me into something I'm not....If I'm gonna die I wanna be me."  I don't want the pressures of the world to change me either.  I don't want to turn into just another sinner falling into Satan's desires and basking in worldly pleasures for a season.....If I'm gonna die and I will some day.  I want to die being the person that God created me to be!  I don't want the world to destroy what God created me to be. 

You can learn alot just by each character in the movie and some of the lines are just gripping like; "It's the things we love most that destroy us."  What our world loves most is destroying us....it is!!!  We love ourselves.  We love sex.  We love entertainment.  We love violence.   What do you love most?  Now, I have an exception to that saying...I say "If we love Jesus the most, the world will never destroy us!" If God is for us, who can be against us?! Rom. 8:31

"I never hear God talk to me...."

Sometimes little kids ask big questions.....I am in my second year of being a Sunday school teacher worthy or not and have found kindergarten and first graders to be interesting little human beings.  I've heard many questions, but I heard one that recently stopped me.  I was talking to the kids about how God always answers our prayers when one of them disappointingly said, "God doesn't ever listen to my prayers....I never hear Him talk to me."  I was struck with silence for a moment while the other teacher explained that God doesn't talk out loud to us, He talks to our hearts......He lives inside of us as she continued....The little kid didn't seem happy with that answer so I fumbled out that sometimes we don't listen very well and we miss what God is trying to tell us....I gave the example that if you see an older person in church having a hard time getting through the door and a voice inside of you says, "Why don't you open the door for them?"  I explained that that can be a way God talks to us.

How I feel for that kid!!!!!  I have totally been there!!!  Don't you wish God could have an everyday normal out loud person to person conversation with you sometimes????  To actually sit with Him like his disciples did and ask away!  To be able to touch Him....to look Him in the eyes....to see how much He loves you....to just be near him in silence...to sit and just listen to Him as Mary did at His feet.....to be able to come to Him and let Him hold you when you are hurt....to be able to hear His voice!!!!!  Wow! I get goosebumps just thinking about how wonderful that would be!!!  

The fact that God doesn't talk to us in person can be frustrating....Our world wants answers now....I want answers now!!!  Isn't easy to not talk to someone if you can't hear or see them?  Isn't easier if God would have just created robots....He tells us what to do each day and we do it?!

I realize I don't have any answers to these questions....I can only compare to what God had taught me in the Bible.  He says "Blessed are they that believe, but don't see."  He says that to Thomas after Thomas doubted that Jesus was really risen from the dead.

Jesus wants us to believe in Him without force, yes even without seeing him in person.  Many people train horses with force and the horse will obey them out of fear.  The horse doesn't love them and they don't really love the horse....they are just interested in gaining a fast result.  Other people train horses out of love for the sake of creating a strong bond which leads to overwhelming trust and love of each other and in time creates something so beautiful, so unique, and so inspiring that they can do amazing things....yes even without force or voice!!!  Sure, we can't directly talk to God face to face, but we can talk to Him--just like we can't directly talk to a horse, but yet we can communicate to them.

I think God wants us to be able to come to Him out of pure desire.  Pure need.  Pure love.  Just as a good horse trainer will not force the horse into loving him...it just happens as their relationship grows.  God doesn't want to force us to Him, He wants us to long to be with Him and to know Him to be able to be still and quiet and know that He is in the same room you sit in tonight.  Go ahead talk to him.  He's listening.  The trick is....are you?  Are you listening to Him or are you caught up in distractions?  I get easily distracted.

My goal is that the next prayer I make will be more sincere as I know that God is with me where ever I pray and that He will answer me...I just have to wait and listen.   How does God talk to you?  I'd love to hear it!  Thanks to the little kid who made me think deeper...I understand better why God wants the little children to come to Him....I pray that Jesus talks to this kid...He's already used this kid to talk to me....I'm trying Jesus...Keep speaking to me and open my ears!

My second Shawnee trip and the reason it was so crazy.....(short story version)

Excited for my second adventure at Shawnee National Forest in southern Illinois, I began to plan the trip in my head of how I thought it would all turn out.  After all, I had been there before and had the time of my life and the horses came out super well and 100%!  The people there are soooo nice.  It just feels like a second home! I just planned for sure success!!!  It was my dream vacation and everything was going to turn out GREAT!!!  I had even started planning for next years vacation like where do I want to go?  Mountains of Tennessee?  Badlands of South Dakota?  It seemed limitless.  Oh and did I mention my favorite sister, Monica, would be coming along with me on the trip?  I wanted everything to go perfect!  To say my expectations were high is exactly correct. 

Day 1—Traveling 6 hours went smooth and we arrived about 3:00 p.m.at the campground in just enough time to set up camp and take a 3 hour ride to Indian Kitchen!  It was a good thing we did as a hiker needed our map because she was lost (very easy to be lost there and I was wondering why she hadn’t a map!)  Anyways, Indian Kitchen was super cool and so my vacation was started off to a great start!  Did I mention we had Tennessee neighbor’s?  I love their southern draws!!!  They were very friendly and we became friends easily. 

Day 2-Today was the day we would be riding to Jackson Hole, Peter’s Cave, Crow Knob, and Sand Cave just to list the major stops.  All very impressive and I marvel at God’s handiwork.  God even provided some ladies (one from Canada and both of whom I led down to Jackson Hole since Rebecca, Ted, and I discovered it our previous trip in the spring) to take a picture of both me and Monica together at Jackson Hole.  We did the same for them!  J   Yes. Things were still going great at this time!  The horses at this time of year have about half their winter coats and it was a hot 82 and dry…almost drought like conditions as most small creeks were bone dry.  We came to a creek crossing called Blue Hole (mostly because the water is a green blue…I thought)  Kitty was very eager to begin our ride that morning and was leaving slow Colty in the dust, but yet she still wanted to play in the water as she loves water and is not afraid to get in deep.  The water at the crossing was so little that we had to go find some which judging by all of the other hoofprints was what everyone else did too.  Kitty began to play and shove her nose in the water and as I was laughing she was walking forward and the next thing I knew we had taken a head dive into the water as Monica sat watching us both disappear into the sudden drop off of a hole….yes, blue hole is a hole!  I found out later that others at camp had almost met that same fate and the locals say that there is a ledge and then a sheer drop off!  (haha! No kidding I found it…thanks locals for telling me now!)  As I felt Kitty fall deeper into the water I could certainly tell that we were going swimming as I quickly got rid of my stirrups and swam to the top (all without touching bottom..mostly I just didn’t want to try to touch…I don’t like water and am half scared of it and we are talking 3 poisonous snakes in this area all of which can swim)  To say I looked like a wet miserable kitten is an understatement, but I was worried about Kitty who had disappeared with me….can she swim?  Can she get up the ledge?  Can she make it across to the other side and climb up? Is that the pathway to hell?  (Yes our sermon for that Sunday while we were driving was about some rock and hole in Biblical days that the locals who found it ran out of rope so they assumed the hole went forever and into the underworld or hell!)  As I’m reaching for the ledge I noticed that Kitty was swimming to the other side.  Shaking from fear of losing my horse, I crossed the creek and raced to the other side of the hole with sloshing water boots and trembling body.  She was just standing there on the other side wondering what in the world just happened and thinking probably that she will never go swimming ever again (all she wanted was a drink)!!!  ßI can’t blame her in the least!  Sometime in the drop she lost a hoof boot….but hoof boots are replaceable and so are cell phones…mine was in my pocket at the time of our swim….Thankfully my camera was waterproof and I praised God aloud for letting Kitty be OK.  I helped Kitty find a path she could walk across to the other side to be with Colty.   Needless to say she DID NOT trust creek crossings and Colty had to go first for the next 2 days while Kitty normally crosses without blinking an eye she was glad for the collapsible water bucket we carried along so she could stay out of the creek, but get drinks too.  My poor, dear Kitty, I felt so bad for her and tears finally came rushing out as once back on dry land she had a scratch on her back leg and another cut on her knee.  My perfect vacation was turning into disaster.  We were far enough out, so I decided to go on and see what we wanted to see for the day as Kitty seemed sound and calm.  My wet clothes dried in the warm sun just in time to be rained on by a brief thundershower….yes we had raincoats, but somehow I just wasn’t in the mood…..

Our stops were lovely and we once again rescued a horse in distress at the Sand Cave tie up….The horse is fine thanks to us, but my horse thanks to me, wasn’t.  I can only take so much and I thought surely this was the last of our excitement.  We made it back to camp in time for our Tennessee friends, who were worried about us, since we rode a lot that day.  They had some roast beef casserole left over and wanted to share some with us.  She said if we didn’t eat it, she would just give the leftovers to her Saint Bernard.  We obliged her and don’t worry dog lovers, there was a bit left for the Bernard too!  ;)  Incidentally, I was unfortunately known to some of the locals as the person who went swimming with their horse at Blue Hole….

Day3-This was a relief day as nothing horrible happened and we again made it to our destinations with the main headings being Petticoat Junction and Hayes Tie up.  It was a lovely trip and very scenic and I enjoyed the ride a lot…mostly because I wasn’t wet and I was looking out for my horse.  I was glad I brought lots of horse medications with me, but I wasn’t happy to use them nor could I sleep well at night as I kept reliving the incident and gaining anger at myself (maybe I could have done more….or I should have never let her play in that water) and sorrow for my little mare with the big heart.

Day 4-Today started way too early as we were up at 4am to feed horses and up at 6am to start saddling as we wanted to be able to make it to One Horse Gap which was 15 miles one way. (15 miles is not much for a horse, but with all these rocks and rough terrain you can not go fast and the rough terrain takes it out of them and us!!.  (We walked some of the time to give them a break and our legs a stretch)   Happy that our hoof boots were working well and staying on (well I was down to only 3, so I just used front boots) we heading off before the sun came up.   I’m not gonna lie, I was SUPER EXCITED to do this ride!!!!  One older cowboy stopped us and wished he had the grit to do it with us!  We made it to Owl Bluff with no problems, but soon had a few hiccups as trails aren’t marked so well.  Even if you go just 10 minutes out of the way you can’t run back, you must walk most of the way because of the big boulders and trippy rocks. We ended up coming out to a road with no Gap signs so we stopped at a house to ask the local if he knew where One Horse Gap was.  We were probably there 15 minutes and he did his best to help us but he hadn’t ridden the trails for 2 years.  We must have missed our turn (yes we found out later we did) because it was supposed to be only 4 miles from where we were at, but this path kept going and going and going and this was a horrible rocky path!!  I could tell Monica was getting frustrated…I was too, but what good would it do us if we were both angry.  We were really great for each other because when I got riled up Monica was calm and could calm me down and I did the same for her.  (We really did have fun!  It’s just when you are that far out of camp, you want things to go smooth so your horses don’t have to do certain rocky paths AGAIN!!!)  So we agreed if we didn’t come to it at 2pm we would turn around.  We barely made it, but we did one of the craziest rocky trails I’ve ever been on! It was really neat, but not sure I’d make my horse do that again now that we know the “easier” way to get there!!  I started off riding Kitty, but then got off to lessen her weight since the rocks were more like mini boulders.  Then we saw it…One Horse Gap!!!  We didn’t have much time so quick pictures were taken and videos and then off we had to go since we took a 2 hour detour getting there and it gets dark faster in the fall!  The way back to the road was only about a half hour of riding!  (Yup we really went out of our way on the 2 hour adventure!)  Still arriving back at camp in the dark, I felt very victorious!!!  I was also extremely full of pride for my little buckskin as she pressed on at a pace too quick for “tired of rocks Colty” to keep up with and I felt so good that she felt good even after her swim and bruises.  Yes.  Things were looking better! 
 Day 5-It was our last full day of riding here and we wanted to do Saltpeter Cave, Secret Canyon, and Natural Bridge (a rock that looks like a bridge).  We had been riding our horses with just a halter and lead rope as there are many places to stop and see so I felt it easier than taking on and off bridles all the time.  People were very impressed with how well our horses behaved! It worked great…until today.  We were only a couple miles from camp where Kitty became very itchy (She reacts to ticks like that) and I thought it was cute because she is so flexible she can reach her ears with her back legs.  Well, flexible horses are a yikes!!  I was letting her reach a side itch with her mouth when she adjusted it to her ears by lifting her back foot to her ear.  I could see disaster but there was nothing I could do but jump off and try to calm her and free her back leg from the rope burning against her skin.  Thankfully she did not totally freak out..she just panicked (there is a difference if you are a horse person) Our first attempt to free her (Monica had jumped off to help me so thankful to her for that) was in vain as everything was so tight.  Our second attempt was successful and Kitty was very thankful and once again I became mad at myself.  Here my Kitty girl was doing her best at rock climbing and keeping me safe, and then there was me who kept messing up and getting her hurt!  I yelled aloud on the trail of things I knew I would take back later, but in my head I was really screaming at God asking why did he make me so feeble and unwise and sooo mistake oriented?  And why did He have to take out my mistakes on Kitty?  I was the one at fault again!  Why did my horse have to suffer again?  She already suffered a rope burn on her opposite back leg years ago when she scratched her ear with her back leg while on the picket line….it’s such a long, long healing process. Please pray for Kitty.  It was not her fault.  It was all mine and that made me sleep even worse at night as I had a total of 2 accidents because of me. 

Today, I sit and type this and wonder those same questions and then I wonder if I really do have any worth at all!  I don’t want to hurt my horse.  It grieves me.  Could it be I made a career mistake?  I’ll have to settle for this answer now as I’m still in my grieving and angry mode at myself.  God used Kitty.  He loves Kitty, but He loves me so much more that He had Kitty take the brunt of everything for me….when we fell into Blue hole….I was unharmed.  When Kitty got herself caught in my reins, I never got hurt.  Kitty was there being used by God to protect me from my stupid ways and to show me that Kitty had the strength to endure the mistakes….I didn’t.  I wish I had the strength to endure my mistakes though, because Kitty had to endure mine.  Just like God.  God sent Jesus, who had made no mistakes because we sinners made so many mistakes.  Jesus endures for us.  Jesus has the strength to help us endure our mistakes, we never will.  Hoping that Jesus will give me the strength to overcome my many mistakes and that He will give Kitty a speedy recovery as her heart is as golden as her color.  I know that if God can use Kitty to show me these lessens, He can heal her too, and maybe He’ll reserve a spot for her in my mansion or those greener pastures so that she too can be rid of her rider’s mistakes.