What do I do now, God?

 When God takes away something good or changes your life in a way that is very difficult, where do you find yourself? Depression. Discouragement. Doubt. Derailed. Destroyed.  You like all the D's?  That's where I'm at folks.  Before I continue with some reasons.  I will not share all of them but I will be genuinely raw because I know I can't be the only one to have life crashing down on them.  Life will at some point even if it hasn't yet for you.  

For 35 years I have been born and raised a country girl.  I've never shied from hard work mud or other stuff animals produce.  I was raised to dig in and work hard, play hard, be bold and explore creeks woods land catch salamanders toads and frogs anything that could be caught! I know how to be kind and gentle.  I've bottle fed kittens and have helped struggling creatures heal.  I've been able to look at God's beauty up close touch it and experience it.  Countless nights looking up at the stars in the black night praising God for his beautiful lights.  No city lights can ever replace God's lights.  Coming home from work to have peace and quiet...no roaring motorcycles or loud cars just quiet birds and breezes.  No one around.  I can go outside in my jammies.  I can smell clean air. This might not sound like much but it's been my life and now I'm not sure what my life is gonna be like.

My Mom is moving out of our farm house.  The house where I grew up where 2 family dogs and a horse is buried. A place that felt like home. Safety.  Rest. Peaceful.  A community of other country families that genuinely cared for each other.  Oh it aches my heart to leave.  I have not wanted to share this with you. I would buy it if I thought I could afford it and the painful truth is I can't.  35 years of hard work and it seemed to have gotten me nothing of financial value. 

One reason was due to a previous hard change.  Physical health problems.  First Rhuematoid Disease, well first was frequent uti's when I was very young, then I had allergic reactions to lots of stuff then later chronic migraines then after RA, chronic fatigue and I can't remember the name of the next diagnosis.  Then CMV then eventually Lupus.  From 18 on my life has been a constant trial to just get up in the morning and try to go to work!  Why plans the future when the present is so painful? Pain doesn't go to bed for me.  I always have some amount of pain even on the strongest of meds.  I don't know why nothing seems to help. I've pleaded to God for healing tried many diets and exercises spent lots of money but to no avail.  When you spend your life asking God why you are alive you don't often think of any other major decisions down the road.  In fact, I asked God to let me come home to heaven at 32.  I told him I don't deserve to live as long as your son Jesus.  To tell you the truth, I just wanted out of this world and that's what I was focusing on. God get me out of here!! Please! Why do you let me linger with constant pain, discouragement and hardships?  Don't you care about me at all? When is enough enough?  

I was out riding my horse one day (great therapy for me and no I am not selling my horses with this move) and I asked God why do I have to live anyway? I know a better place is prepared for me in Heaven and I long for it so why are you keeping me here on this earth?!! What is it I've missed? Seems I struggle all the time and I'm tired of this constant weak painful body and I'm tired physically of just doing one more day and telling myself do one more day all in constant pain!!  How many more days, Lord?! Will you continue to let me suffer? Why? I'm done living for me God.  There is nothing I desire.  My dreams are shattered.  My body is crippled. I have nothing I can offer.  Just take me home.  While I was continuing the ride, God spoke to my heart if you can't live for you can you live for others?  "I don't know, God. I can't even take care of me! How can I possibly help others? God, I can't live for others just take me home please!" God asked me another question. And it cut right to my heart like His questions often do. God asked me, Will you live for me? I cried. God I am. I was. I do but it's so hard. Why do you allow my journey to be so hard? Why is my journey so long and so hard? (35 years is long when it's a hard journey) Why can't I come home to you, God?! Or please please Jesus come back! 

That ride happened awhile ago and more recently God answered why I can't come home yet. (Though I'm praying my journey here is not too much longer...I don't want a long life so don't pray for one for me please!!) Quality is more important to me than quantity.  I work at a nursing home folks.  Many of those dear folks are in pain or just a shell of themselves and it is heartbreaking to me.  It would be a huge answer to prayer if God did not allow me to linger on in pain forever and ever on earth and that is a fear of mine because God's answer to my purpose for Him made me burst out in tears. 

God's purpose for me is suffering.  He is allowing me much suffering in my walk with Him because He knows that suffering is relatable to most people's lives in the world right now.  How many people do you know who are suffering from health issues, addictions, loss of a loved one, financial strains, relationship sorrows, unpleasant and unplanned events.  Suffering has made me a compassionate person, suffering has made me dependent on God and suffering has made each blessing in my life more joyful than it ought to be and people probably go that's weird...she has so little going for her but yet she still smiles.  Thanks to Jesus.  I still can smile.  My life is crumbling apart and I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life now but I know my purpose is to persevere through this journey of suffering so that others can see that Jesus is the only reason I'm living and that you can experience joy even in the midst of ongoing pain and struggles.  It's not the journey I wanted or dreamed of for God, but it's the journey God gave me.  I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone.  I wish God would not have picked me either but I rest in knowing that He picked me knowing my faults and still said I choose you to do this hard journey.  If you've lived a life with not much pain then you can't imagine what it's like.

When you pick out a flower, you pick the best one...the brightest the most petals etc.  What happens after a flower is picked? then the flower suffers but just know this you were picked because of your beauty.  You are beautiful to the Master Designer and He picked you for something special that He will use to glorify Himself.  I can't help you understand this. I'm still trying to cope with and understand why God gave me suffering on purpose.  It's my calling and maybe you'll have a season of suffering ahead too. But know this, God cares about you and He promises a life forever with Him.  Until then, I'm still praying Jesus comes back or comes and gets me!

And you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl.  Here's to more country living ahead if I can help it! Prayers appreciated as I have no idea what I'm going to be doing. 

 

Ever Been Underrated?

 

Have you ever been underrated for a job well done? It can be quite hurtful and depreciating and draining. (Wives and Moms may be shouting a resounding YES!!) In case you needed to hear this, you are not underrated if you are serving God! Not all of us are called to be pastors or missionaries, CEOs, mentors or any kind of vip you can think of!

Have you ever underrated your own importance? Many of you know that because of my lack of physical health, I had to give up a job that I enjoyed and loved for a job I did not enjoy.  I spent quite a few months driving into work crying and praying that God would help me through this stressful change.  No one likes change. I lost my Dad, lost a job I loved and lost my health...one of those losses is enough to break you but 3 at a time? What was God trying to do? Did he even care? I was in no physical condition to fight him though so I had to trust that He had a plan for me in this new role.  And He did. I suppose it even makes sense. I've always loved the elderly and maybe it's because I can empathize with pain since I live with pain or maybe it's just because they were the age group I didn't find as intimidating.  Being a true introvert, reaching out to others can be hard and when I knew God wanted me to reach out to others, it was the elderly I started with first. They understood hard work and many had great stories including farming with horses which the word horse alone perks my ears!! They are also extremely amazing at encouraging you! They are set in there beliefs.  They've been around and most aren't buying into the woke culture.  I recently chatted with an elderly lady on how America isn't the nation it once was and why we thought that. I agreed with her and she with me and she was just so grateful that someone young "got it!" She went on to say that because of our conversation she found renewed hope for the younger generation.  I told her please continue to pray for us! One story I love sharing about an elderly lady has truly inspired me. I went to a visiting church and was chatting with some of my cousins/friends when an elderly lady came up to us out of the blue and said "I just want you to know that I'm praying for you." "Your generation has much more to deal with than I ever had to growing up." At the time I was too young to really understand what she meant but I do now.  I don't remember her name or her face but those words sure got to my heart! Praying for someone she doesn't even know? She had a calling and she was fulfilling it by praying for the youth.  Wow. Now there's a woman of God who didn't give up hope and had no quit in her.  See she may not have had strength or wisdom to share with me on the challenges I was to face but she was praying for the young generation.  Her duty may have seemed light or unworthy to some of us sitting in higher up positions or having means of helping others in greater ways but this elderly lady had an important mission from God.  

So where do I work? At a nursing home as an activity aide....in the dementia unit! God does know how to make my eye brow raise...but I do believe he was preparing me for it all along.  This is an underrated position.  People don't understand all the redirecting and enthusiasm and patience that this job requires....I'm not here to puff myself up or get attention for a job well done....I'm simply saying there's a lot I have to do on a daily basis that gets overlooked, wearisome and even unseen.  You can easily experience burnout and feelings of exhaustion can set in and no resident even remembers your name. But they do remember how you make them feel.  How are you at that little ministry?? How do you make others feel when they are around you? Don't underrate yourself by wishing you could do a bigger better ministry than the one God has for you right now.  Perhaps this is only a blog written to myself because I've had to give up time with so many others because this ministry can drain you and you feel that you have nothing left and at the end of the day you find yourself asking God does what I do matter or get noticed by you at all?  Am I really doing what you want me to do? Maybe I'm sharing too much of my sinful heart but I get stuck on thinking that I don't do enough for God...my ministry needs to be bigger, or I need to reach out more to this person or do something with that outreach and honestly that just leaves me feeling more exhausted and depleted knowing I don't have the energy or time for all that.  You see all these problems and you think I'm not doing enough but if you did anymore you wouldn't even have time to put God first in your life!! 

I was listening to a sermon while riding my horse today and this well known preacher was saying how his wife would tell him frequently that she just doesn't know what God's ministry is for her life.  Now she was a wife's preacher, a mother etc and still she didn't know what her ministry was.  He said she was in the hug ministry as she was an encourager.  I chuckled out loud cuz that's a small thing but can be so underrated.  I hear we need about 4 hugs a day for healthy functioning.  A necessary reason I have horses and a dog.  Some would say I'm part of the hug ministry too (I use to HATE hugs!!) as I've been able to get some non hugger friends to be ok or even enjoy hugs and families of the residents say I give the best hugs! No idea if that's really true but if God is in your heart and you desire to be used by Him.  He will use you. It may not seem like much. People may underrate the worth of your small ministry all the time and you may get little to no recognition, in fact, you may be at the point of wanting to give it up as it's too draining!! but keep doing that small ministry that God desires you to do for we all will get to reap the benefits in Heaven even for being on the sidelines of bigger ministries.  If you've helped finance a ministry that's a ministry, if you've prayed, you've done a ministry, if you hug (envourage) that's even a ministry. You have a ministry.  It may not be glamorous, it may only touch a few hearts but every heart matters to God. That's why we're here. God desires to touch hearts through using what we can give him right now. God touches our hearts to reach other hearts.  That should never be underrated.

Deeper Connection

 As a horse trainer, I do not use force or meanness of any kind to train my horses.  I will step by step gain trust and connection with my horse.  This will gain a deeper trust and connection allowing me to do amazing things with my horses.  It does take persistent effort.  I suppose I could train horses faster if I used spurs and force but the only connection I would have with the horse would be set on a fear basis which isn't worth it in my opinion and does not set up a good relationship/partnership.  I want my horse to trust me and want to do the right thing because of our deep connection of mutual love and trust that our journey together over time has built up.  

My thought is this...Is that deep connection what we desire of our relationship with God? Or do we think God is out to get us? Sometimes horses think that I am pretty scary just by being too close to them or moving too fast.  Basically I do nothing but they still see me as a threat.  We have no connection.  So the first thing we work on is connecting with each other. Maybe I just get the horse to look at me first. Then a step toward me, then I see if the horse can follow me around.  These are all small steps to connecting with a horse. These steps may sound pretty small to you but they lead to significant accomplishments later.  

Did you know that deep connection with God is very similar? Every true believer will desire a deeper connection with God at sometime in their journey.  In fact that is something we should desire every year! A deeper connection a deeper love and trust in God.  You can have that deep connection just by doing the small steps like I do with training horses.  1. Look to Jesus. Just as I have the horse look to me. 2. Step closer to him. Delve into the Bible. Pray. Which is similar to me asking the horse to step toward me. Now that you are looking to God for help step closer to him.  3. the  last step to deeper connection is follow Him.  Don't just follow him up mountains follow him through the valleys and the scary objects.  That's how deep connection works.  Horses will learn they can trust me through it all. And we as believers need to be willing to trust God through it all because that will lead us to deeper connection with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Did you know that God designed us to connect with Him and each other on a deep level?  We can only connect deeply with God when we trust Him completely.  We can only connect deeply with each other when we truly love and care for each other.  The people I feel safest with are those that I know will be there for me no matter what or those that have seen me at my worst and still choose to love me... that's an example of a deep connection. I am so thankful for these people in my life.  We should strive to be those kind of people others can trust and feel safe. This is after all a commandment in the Bible.  The first is to love the Lord our God with all our heart soul mind and strength. The second is to love our neighbors as ourself.

That's exactly what God wants of each one of us.  Did you know the God of the universe loves you so deeply that He desires you to know Him? The Bible says he is a jealous God and wants you to desire Him as much as He desires you.  But He gives us a choice.  God does not force you into a relationship with Him.  You have to desire it and want it.  You have to choose Jesus.  Just as I don't force a horse to trust me, they have to choose to trust me.  And that's the first step to a deeper connection with God.  Choosing God.  

As you go through your journey with God you will experience a deep connection with Him when you first remember to look up to Him, ask Him for help and follow Him wherever He leads you.  This will require complete trust in God.  The journey with God is not easy but it is worth pursuing.  A deeper connection with God is available to you when you pursue Him. 

Which category are you?

Have you ever played the comparing yourself with others game? It's not fun.  But if you're like me you play it sometimes.  Perhaps it's because we can't help it....you see someone else's life and you think that's it that's what I need!....if I could just get that or be like them in this area then I'd have it much much easier.  Comparing ourselves to others brings about 2 main categories. 1. We compare ourselves with others who have more stuff (fancier cars, nice homes, expensive hobbies) or better relationships or better health or better jobs or more money or just plain smarter than us!  We tend to judge based off of those things forgetting that these people actually do have problems we just may not see those problems because we are focused on what they have and blind to what they are missing. We also tend to compare ourselves with too high and unattainable people which makes us feel like we have not accomplished much or belittles us.  We then become discontent and bitter instead of being thankful for what we have. We are blind to how blessed we really are.  We have health wealth family and friends but that's not good enough.  We are always looking for more.

2. You can also go completely opposite and compare yourself to the worst person you can possibly imagine which generates a hopeless feeling and a why try attitude.  You tend to think of yourself as a victim because no matter how hard you try you are always sitting in the sewage of life.  Your circumstances control you and though you've tried your best it just seems like you'll never amount to anything.  Your health isn't great, your wealth...what's wealth? you don't think anyone really likes you so relationships are hard, your talents (if you still think you have one besides being a winner at a losing game) just are not paying off so what good are you to anyone?.....what's the point of going on when everything is against you? 

I guess we actually have the 3 categories.  3. You no longer care to strive for anything good so your life continues to spiral downward.  Perhaps you now do drugs or excessive alcohol or self harm in various ways. You are either in bad relationships or you can't do relationships anymore. You can't even take care of yourself!  Your kids don't even know you and your significant other has left you for someone else and the bills are piling up but you can't keep a job. You hate everything about your life and yourself but you are unwilling to change anything.  You end up begging and living in the streets or worse in jail or even worse you die. You had no good impact on anyone and since you failed to be a good friend spouse or parent you have also failed your kids. You provided no good example to them and they will unfortunately follow in your footsteps.  Have you been here? If I'm honest, I've experienced this one in ways too. 

These are all messy places to be at and we all tend to fall into one of these categories. Maybe even bits and pieces of all 3 categories.  But there is hope. For the first category, (I can see me in this category) if you are always looking for more and better things that's not a bad thing but you can become excessive about it.  If you can't enjoy what you have you are missing so so much! "The more you own the more it owns you." What will you do with what you have?  If you always need more to be grateful than you will never be happy. The only One who can provide lasting happiness is God. Get to know Him and chase after Him not all this other stuff.  Stuff fades.  However if you share your stuff, you can be an amazing huge encouragement for others who are not as well off as you. This is an amazing gift and I am so thankful that God does bless others so they can in turn bless others.  It's a beautiful thing.  This category can also have a heavy self dependence instead of depending on God.  So when hard times come their faith can be easily shaken because they haven't really needed God until now.  So even if you think you have everything, you still need God.  

Oh man category 2 is where I tend to find myself at times...This person tries but it's always an uphill battle. Life is one trial after another. They are tired of trying and trying and worn out. What could they offer anyone?  The cool thing about this category is that you can offer much. You know what it's like to be faced with difficulty and trials.  You can help someone persevere through theirs.  See you can be an amazing witness for God even with all your uncertainties! You realize you absolutely need God so you put your trust in Him and not in your health your wealth your stuff and your smarts.  These trials will bring about a growing relationship with Jesus and if you are a believer isn't that what we desire? A closer relationship with God. But be very careful because if you do not see this as a chance to trust God you will likely abandon God and that puts you into the 3rd category.  

The good news about the 3rd category is that you are never too far gone.  Just because your parents weren't good examples and just because you are an addict does not mean that's how you have to end up.  You can choose to get out of the rut you are in and start following God.  Find a godly friend a Bible believing church find a facility that can keep you accountable.  It really comes down to you. Do you want to change your life for the better then pursue God and His ways.  Yes it's a rough journey but it also holds true and lasting happiness.  

This world puts a lot of pressure on us all.  This life is hard.  There is a Heaven and a Hell. There is a battle for your soul.  You are either God's or the Devils.  There is no middle ground. You will live forever either with God or separated from God.  So that's why we can't give up on pursuing God. He is our only hope. 

You may not have wealth health wisdom or talents...you may think God can't use you anymore or that you are too lost to be found or too old to change.  But that's not true. Don't listen to the enemies lies.  You are loved by God. Continue to follow God even when it hurts even when you don't see any changes and even when you're tired of trying because then you will be putting your trust in God into action and we know that faith pleases God.  "Without faith, it is impossible to please God."

God's Hall of Faith is found in Hebrews 11.  

Oh and if you do play the game, compare yourself with Jesus.  You will find that His love is incomparable to anyone else's and that He will forgive you and help you in whatever rough journey you are going through right now. 

Learning to be Thankful during a hard season

As Thanksgiving approaches, I try to focus on my blessings....which are many.....but I also seem to focus on everything that has changed and won't be the same.  This will be the first Thanksgiving without my Dad.  First Thanksgiving, I'm not working full time and doing what I love.  First Thanksgiving, I'm not eating a lot of yummy food (crazy diet) because my body is trying to kill me! (Auto immune diseases/inflammation) First Thanksgiving, I'm really wondering if I can be genuinely thankful and filled with hope in this holiday season.  Does God really have any good plans for me in my future and will this painful season ever end?  I trust God does. I have to believe that or I can't make it, Id just give up.  

Yes, it going to be hard getting together with family seeing knowing and feeling Dad is gone.  But my Dad is with Jesus and that is what's gonna bring me thankfulness this Thanksgiving.  I will see him again. 

Do I miss working with horses? Absolutely. Working with people is much harder for me! Going from full time and first shift and being appreciated to part time second shift and not readily appreciated or even remembered is incredibly difficult.  Working for a family and then for a corporation is very different. Corporations have lots of rules and we don't care what you think is good for you or them we will tell you what's good for you and them etc....so so frustrating, but let's save that rabbit trail for another time.

I have had to give up lots of family time and some horse ministry opportunities.  Shoot one night after work I came home and everyone was gone socializing with family...it hurts to miss out so much especially when you're still hurting. I even sang why I hate 2nd shift so much in the shower at the top of my lungs.  It was either that or cry.  God reminded me that all those people I work with rarely get to hang out with family too so my job was to love them like God loves me.  Be family to them as God has made me His family.

Can I be thankful for my health when it forced me to quit my job and could possibly make me give up the reason I work (to own horses)?  Can I be thankful if God allows me to become a cripple? I hate pain.  I can't live everyday with it God, it's too hard. Heal me or kill me.

What future is there for me?  If it's not good, just take me out now, please God. Just make sure it's quick. I'm not a good sufferer.

Have you ever been so full of questions for God but He's silent?  So God if you don't answer me what I should do, is it up to me to pick something? Has your heart ever hurt so much that you just need a hug from God?  Do you ever feel like God just flung you into the lions den with no plans to get you out?  Have you ever felt like this?

Whoa. Let's slow down here and remember that our lives here will not last forever.  I know life right now seems unfair, seems hard, seems unbearable and seems painful...because it is for me and maybe it is for you too and I'm not going to even try to tell you to just be happy about it cuz I sure ain't! 

But here's something to remember: God does have a plan for you! Your job is to trust His plan. God does love you. Your job is to believe that He loves you. God does have a future for you. Continue to pursue God. Read. Pray. Cry and yell if you need to from time to time. But continue to pursue God even when God is silent in your life. 

I have to confess that God is not silent in my life.  He might be silent on where I'm suppose to work and if my body will ever heal and if I'll ever get out of this Lions den season....but He is very clear that He still loves me and that He can use me despite how fallen apart I feel.  It doesn't matter where you go or what you're doing, if you have a good relationship with God, and you're trying to seek God even in a very tough season, God will use you! Because if you can follow God and shine for Him through this tough season, God will never stop loving you and providing for you during any season!! Your faith and trust in God will grow to new heights and that is exactly what God wants.  More of you. More of your heart. For you to say, "God I don't know what you're doing in my life and I don't understand it but I trust you."

Dear God poem/update

Sorry no updates lately as I was hoping to post that God got me out of this fiery trial but instead He seems to be keeping me in it and it's getting harder rather than easier. I honestly can't see much good in my life right now and the good I see seems like God is on the verge of taking that away too.  How would you be doing if God took your health away and caused you pain everyday, took a family member who loved and supported you and took your full time job that you loved away...and then He is silent.

A poem I wrote in my struggle:

Dear God, I admit I'm depressed.

My situation has got me stressed.

I feel like giving up you see

As you don't seem to realize what all is happening to me.

There comes a time when it's harder to live than die

Life keeps getting harder no matter how hard I try.

I'd like you to just get me gone,

But for some reason, you let me keep struggling on.

I ask You why do I have to live another day

When I have to walk this painful way?

What can I possibly do now for you

When you've taken away all that I use to do?!

I'm lonely and sad. Abandoned broke and weak.

I'm not sure I can handle another defeat.

Why is it God that I'm still here?

All I face is unknowns and fear!

I don't have anything left to give...

So why is it that you let me live?

Your silence is hard to understand

Because, in my heart, I know you have a plan!

Lord, I'm trying to read and pray

But I can't seem to do it everyday.

Forgive me for failing you Lord.

Help me to once again pick up my spiritual sword

As I don't want to be left alone in my dark season

Please give me a passion for you and a reason

To keep going on when everything goes wrong...

Because God, I want you to make me strong!

Amen.

Perhaps you have caught yourself saying a similar prayer. You don't know how to go on and you seem consumed by the devil and fiery trials. And it would be easier if God would just come get us or rescue us!! But for some reason God doesn't always do that.  He wants us to endure. And that can be tough cuz others peoples lives are going great and ours are a mess...

But here is one answer God gave me through a David Wilkerson sermon.  The reason you aren't giving up, the reason you can keep going...though it makes no sense to you to do that is because of the Holy Spirit in your life.  Yes it's because of God! How encouraging this was for me to hear! The reason I can go on is not because of me but Him. And I'm happy God is still living in me...such a relief. As much as I'm struggling to know God is still in me gives me endurance again.

Keep Pulling!

 I have been teaching Amos and Revelations (Revy) to accept the harness attached to them by practice and patience.  I have not yet added a cart until... Yesterday!! Yay! My horse riding pal, Claire, came for a visit to ride so since I had the extra help we hooked up Amos to the light 2 horse cart.  It took a lot of time to get things adjusted to safely proceed.  He did great waiting and wondering what in the world I was going to be doing with him today.  

Amos decided the cart was ok behind. After all  he has gotten use to me ground driving behind him and all my shenanigans behind him so he was ok with that as I led him.  Then I climbed in and Claire led him around with me in the cart. He was uncertain but then adjusted and followed Claire.  Then the next step was to have Claire let go and see if he could be brave on his own without someone to cling/look to for security...to trust my voice and my directions for him even with the added pulling weight and the newness of pulling against  resistance.... something he has never experienced. Amos had to trust that I would keep him safe through a tough new skill. Amos had a ton of try and he ended up doing fabulous for his first solo drive. You want your horse totally responsive to turning stopping and moving forward otherwise backwards moving in a cart without control can be very hazardous.

I only share this story to point out something God was trying to share with me.  I know I'm harnessed by God...I'm His and He is mine but sometimes it can feel like God doesn't know what He's doing in my life...I feel so much resistance I want to freeze up like Amos would try unsure of any movement at all...sometimes I get very unsure if I can trust my God with the reins because I don't understand the process of what He's trying to teach or do with me...in fact it seems much harder to trust when resistance is felt and experienced.  Amos had to learn to push through the resistance that once those cart wheels started rolling and he followed the path I wanted of him things got easier.  I think that's the lesson God wanted me to remember. God was trying to tell me, Sandy, I've put my harness on you and I need you to keep pulling towards me no matter how great the resistance feels in your life.  I know it's hard but keep pulling towards me.  It only gets easier when you learn to trust me.