What do I do now, God?

 When God takes away something good or changes your life in a way that is very difficult, where do you find yourself? Depression. Discouragement. Doubt. Derailed. Destroyed.  You like all the D's?  That's where I'm at folks.  Before I continue with some reasons.  I will not share all of them but I will be genuinely raw because I know I can't be the only one to have life crashing down on them.  Life will at some point even if it hasn't yet for you.  

For 35 years I have been born and raised a country girl.  I've never shied from hard work mud or other stuff animals produce.  I was raised to dig in and work hard, play hard, be bold and explore creeks woods land catch salamanders toads and frogs anything that could be caught! I know how to be kind and gentle.  I've bottle fed kittens and have helped struggling creatures heal.  I've been able to look at God's beauty up close touch it and experience it.  Countless nights looking up at the stars in the black night praising God for his beautiful lights.  No city lights can ever replace God's lights.  Coming home from work to have peace and quiet...no roaring motorcycles or loud cars just quiet birds and breezes.  No one around.  I can go outside in my jammies.  I can smell clean air. This might not sound like much but it's been my life and now I'm not sure what my life is gonna be like.

My Mom is moving out of our farm house.  The house where I grew up where 2 family dogs and a horse is buried. A place that felt like home. Safety.  Rest. Peaceful.  A community of other country families that genuinely cared for each other.  Oh it aches my heart to leave.  I have not wanted to share this with you. I would buy it if I thought I could afford it and the painful truth is I can't.  35 years of hard work and it seemed to have gotten me nothing of financial value. 

One reason was due to a previous hard change.  Physical health problems.  First Rhuematoid Disease, well first was frequent uti's when I was very young, then I had allergic reactions to lots of stuff then later chronic migraines then after RA, chronic fatigue and I can't remember the name of the next diagnosis.  Then CMV then eventually Lupus.  From 18 on my life has been a constant trial to just get up in the morning and try to go to work!  Why plans the future when the present is so painful? Pain doesn't go to bed for me.  I always have some amount of pain even on the strongest of meds.  I don't know why nothing seems to help. I've pleaded to God for healing tried many diets and exercises spent lots of money but to no avail.  When you spend your life asking God why you are alive you don't often think of any other major decisions down the road.  In fact, I asked God to let me come home to heaven at 32.  I told him I don't deserve to live as long as your son Jesus.  To tell you the truth, I just wanted out of this world and that's what I was focusing on. God get me out of here!! Please! Why do you let me linger with constant pain, discouragement and hardships?  Don't you care about me at all? When is enough enough?  

I was out riding my horse one day (great therapy for me and no I am not selling my horses with this move) and I asked God why do I have to live anyway? I know a better place is prepared for me in Heaven and I long for it so why are you keeping me here on this earth?!! What is it I've missed? Seems I struggle all the time and I'm tired of this constant weak painful body and I'm tired physically of just doing one more day and telling myself do one more day all in constant pain!!  How many more days, Lord?! Will you continue to let me suffer? Why? I'm done living for me God.  There is nothing I desire.  My dreams are shattered.  My body is crippled. I have nothing I can offer.  Just take me home.  While I was continuing the ride, God spoke to my heart if you can't live for you can you live for others?  "I don't know, God. I can't even take care of me! How can I possibly help others? God, I can't live for others just take me home please!" God asked me another question. And it cut right to my heart like His questions often do. God asked me, Will you live for me? I cried. God I am. I was. I do but it's so hard. Why do you allow my journey to be so hard? Why is my journey so long and so hard? (35 years is long when it's a hard journey) Why can't I come home to you, God?! Or please please Jesus come back! 

That ride happened awhile ago and more recently God answered why I can't come home yet. (Though I'm praying my journey here is not too much longer...I don't want a long life so don't pray for one for me please!!) Quality is more important to me than quantity.  I work at a nursing home folks.  Many of those dear folks are in pain or just a shell of themselves and it is heartbreaking to me.  It would be a huge answer to prayer if God did not allow me to linger on in pain forever and ever on earth and that is a fear of mine because God's answer to my purpose for Him made me burst out in tears. 

God's purpose for me is suffering.  He is allowing me much suffering in my walk with Him because He knows that suffering is relatable to most people's lives in the world right now.  How many people do you know who are suffering from health issues, addictions, loss of a loved one, financial strains, relationship sorrows, unpleasant and unplanned events.  Suffering has made me a compassionate person, suffering has made me dependent on God and suffering has made each blessing in my life more joyful than it ought to be and people probably go that's weird...she has so little going for her but yet she still smiles.  Thanks to Jesus.  I still can smile.  My life is crumbling apart and I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life now but I know my purpose is to persevere through this journey of suffering so that others can see that Jesus is the only reason I'm living and that you can experience joy even in the midst of ongoing pain and struggles.  It's not the journey I wanted or dreamed of for God, but it's the journey God gave me.  I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone.  I wish God would not have picked me either but I rest in knowing that He picked me knowing my faults and still said I choose you to do this hard journey.  If you've lived a life with not much pain then you can't imagine what it's like.

When you pick out a flower, you pick the best one...the brightest the most petals etc.  What happens after a flower is picked? then the flower suffers but just know this you were picked because of your beauty.  You are beautiful to the Master Designer and He picked you for something special that He will use to glorify Himself.  I can't help you understand this. I'm still trying to cope with and understand why God gave me suffering on purpose.  It's my calling and maybe you'll have a season of suffering ahead too. But know this, God cares about you and He promises a life forever with Him.  Until then, I'm still praying Jesus comes back or comes and gets me!

And you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl.  Here's to more country living ahead if I can help it! Prayers appreciated as I have no idea what I'm going to be doing. 

 

Ever Been Underrated?

 

Have you ever been underrated for a job well done? It can be quite hurtful and depreciating and draining. (Wives and Moms may be shouting a resounding YES!!) In case you needed to hear this, you are not underrated if you are serving God! Not all of us are called to be pastors or missionaries, CEOs, mentors or any kind of vip you can think of!

Have you ever underrated your own importance? Many of you know that because of my lack of physical health, I had to give up a job that I enjoyed and loved for a job I did not enjoy.  I spent quite a few months driving into work crying and praying that God would help me through this stressful change.  No one likes change. I lost my Dad, lost a job I loved and lost my health...one of those losses is enough to break you but 3 at a time? What was God trying to do? Did he even care? I was in no physical condition to fight him though so I had to trust that He had a plan for me in this new role.  And He did. I suppose it even makes sense. I've always loved the elderly and maybe it's because I can empathize with pain since I live with pain or maybe it's just because they were the age group I didn't find as intimidating.  Being a true introvert, reaching out to others can be hard and when I knew God wanted me to reach out to others, it was the elderly I started with first. They understood hard work and many had great stories including farming with horses which the word horse alone perks my ears!! They are also extremely amazing at encouraging you! They are set in there beliefs.  They've been around and most aren't buying into the woke culture.  I recently chatted with an elderly lady on how America isn't the nation it once was and why we thought that. I agreed with her and she with me and she was just so grateful that someone young "got it!" She went on to say that because of our conversation she found renewed hope for the younger generation.  I told her please continue to pray for us! One story I love sharing about an elderly lady has truly inspired me. I went to a visiting church and was chatting with some of my cousins/friends when an elderly lady came up to us out of the blue and said "I just want you to know that I'm praying for you." "Your generation has much more to deal with than I ever had to growing up." At the time I was too young to really understand what she meant but I do now.  I don't remember her name or her face but those words sure got to my heart! Praying for someone she doesn't even know? She had a calling and she was fulfilling it by praying for the youth.  Wow. Now there's a woman of God who didn't give up hope and had no quit in her.  See she may not have had strength or wisdom to share with me on the challenges I was to face but she was praying for the young generation.  Her duty may have seemed light or unworthy to some of us sitting in higher up positions or having means of helping others in greater ways but this elderly lady had an important mission from God.  

So where do I work? At a nursing home as an activity aide....in the dementia unit! God does know how to make my eye brow raise...but I do believe he was preparing me for it all along.  This is an underrated position.  People don't understand all the redirecting and enthusiasm and patience that this job requires....I'm not here to puff myself up or get attention for a job well done....I'm simply saying there's a lot I have to do on a daily basis that gets overlooked, wearisome and even unseen.  You can easily experience burnout and feelings of exhaustion can set in and no resident even remembers your name. But they do remember how you make them feel.  How are you at that little ministry?? How do you make others feel when they are around you? Don't underrate yourself by wishing you could do a bigger better ministry than the one God has for you right now.  Perhaps this is only a blog written to myself because I've had to give up time with so many others because this ministry can drain you and you feel that you have nothing left and at the end of the day you find yourself asking God does what I do matter or get noticed by you at all?  Am I really doing what you want me to do? Maybe I'm sharing too much of my sinful heart but I get stuck on thinking that I don't do enough for God...my ministry needs to be bigger, or I need to reach out more to this person or do something with that outreach and honestly that just leaves me feeling more exhausted and depleted knowing I don't have the energy or time for all that.  You see all these problems and you think I'm not doing enough but if you did anymore you wouldn't even have time to put God first in your life!! 

I was listening to a sermon while riding my horse today and this well known preacher was saying how his wife would tell him frequently that she just doesn't know what God's ministry is for her life.  Now she was a wife's preacher, a mother etc and still she didn't know what her ministry was.  He said she was in the hug ministry as she was an encourager.  I chuckled out loud cuz that's a small thing but can be so underrated.  I hear we need about 4 hugs a day for healthy functioning.  A necessary reason I have horses and a dog.  Some would say I'm part of the hug ministry too (I use to HATE hugs!!) as I've been able to get some non hugger friends to be ok or even enjoy hugs and families of the residents say I give the best hugs! No idea if that's really true but if God is in your heart and you desire to be used by Him.  He will use you. It may not seem like much. People may underrate the worth of your small ministry all the time and you may get little to no recognition, in fact, you may be at the point of wanting to give it up as it's too draining!! but keep doing that small ministry that God desires you to do for we all will get to reap the benefits in Heaven even for being on the sidelines of bigger ministries.  If you've helped finance a ministry that's a ministry, if you've prayed, you've done a ministry, if you hug (envourage) that's even a ministry. You have a ministry.  It may not be glamorous, it may only touch a few hearts but every heart matters to God. That's why we're here. God desires to touch hearts through using what we can give him right now. God touches our hearts to reach other hearts.  That should never be underrated.

Deeper Connection

 As a horse trainer, I do not use force or meanness of any kind to train my horses.  I will step by step gain trust and connection with my horse.  This will gain a deeper trust and connection allowing me to do amazing things with my horses.  It does take persistent effort.  I suppose I could train horses faster if I used spurs and force but the only connection I would have with the horse would be set on a fear basis which isn't worth it in my opinion and does not set up a good relationship/partnership.  I want my horse to trust me and want to do the right thing because of our deep connection of mutual love and trust that our journey together over time has built up.  

My thought is this...Is that deep connection what we desire of our relationship with God? Or do we think God is out to get us? Sometimes horses think that I am pretty scary just by being too close to them or moving too fast.  Basically I do nothing but they still see me as a threat.  We have no connection.  So the first thing we work on is connecting with each other. Maybe I just get the horse to look at me first. Then a step toward me, then I see if the horse can follow me around.  These are all small steps to connecting with a horse. These steps may sound pretty small to you but they lead to significant accomplishments later.  

Did you know that deep connection with God is very similar? Every true believer will desire a deeper connection with God at sometime in their journey.  In fact that is something we should desire every year! A deeper connection a deeper love and trust in God.  You can have that deep connection just by doing the small steps like I do with training horses.  1. Look to Jesus. Just as I have the horse look to me. 2. Step closer to him. Delve into the Bible. Pray. Which is similar to me asking the horse to step toward me. Now that you are looking to God for help step closer to him.  3. the  last step to deeper connection is follow Him.  Don't just follow him up mountains follow him through the valleys and the scary objects.  That's how deep connection works.  Horses will learn they can trust me through it all. And we as believers need to be willing to trust God through it all because that will lead us to deeper connection with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Did you know that God designed us to connect with Him and each other on a deep level?  We can only connect deeply with God when we trust Him completely.  We can only connect deeply with each other when we truly love and care for each other.  The people I feel safest with are those that I know will be there for me no matter what or those that have seen me at my worst and still choose to love me... that's an example of a deep connection. I am so thankful for these people in my life.  We should strive to be those kind of people others can trust and feel safe. This is after all a commandment in the Bible.  The first is to love the Lord our God with all our heart soul mind and strength. The second is to love our neighbors as ourself.

That's exactly what God wants of each one of us.  Did you know the God of the universe loves you so deeply that He desires you to know Him? The Bible says he is a jealous God and wants you to desire Him as much as He desires you.  But He gives us a choice.  God does not force you into a relationship with Him.  You have to desire it and want it.  You have to choose Jesus.  Just as I don't force a horse to trust me, they have to choose to trust me.  And that's the first step to a deeper connection with God.  Choosing God.  

As you go through your journey with God you will experience a deep connection with Him when you first remember to look up to Him, ask Him for help and follow Him wherever He leads you.  This will require complete trust in God.  The journey with God is not easy but it is worth pursuing.  A deeper connection with God is available to you when you pursue Him. 

Which category are you?

Have you ever played the comparing yourself with others game? It's not fun.  But if you're like me you play it sometimes.  Perhaps it's because we can't help it....you see someone else's life and you think that's it that's what I need!....if I could just get that or be like them in this area then I'd have it much much easier.  Comparing ourselves to others brings about 2 main categories. 1. We compare ourselves with others who have more stuff (fancier cars, nice homes, expensive hobbies) or better relationships or better health or better jobs or more money or just plain smarter than us!  We tend to judge based off of those things forgetting that these people actually do have problems we just may not see those problems because we are focused on what they have and blind to what they are missing. We also tend to compare ourselves with too high and unattainable people which makes us feel like we have not accomplished much or belittles us.  We then become discontent and bitter instead of being thankful for what we have. We are blind to how blessed we really are.  We have health wealth family and friends but that's not good enough.  We are always looking for more.

2. You can also go completely opposite and compare yourself to the worst person you can possibly imagine which generates a hopeless feeling and a why try attitude.  You tend to think of yourself as a victim because no matter how hard you try you are always sitting in the sewage of life.  Your circumstances control you and though you've tried your best it just seems like you'll never amount to anything.  Your health isn't great, your wealth...what's wealth? you don't think anyone really likes you so relationships are hard, your talents (if you still think you have one besides being a winner at a losing game) just are not paying off so what good are you to anyone?.....what's the point of going on when everything is against you? 

I guess we actually have the 3 categories.  3. You no longer care to strive for anything good so your life continues to spiral downward.  Perhaps you now do drugs or excessive alcohol or self harm in various ways. You are either in bad relationships or you can't do relationships anymore. You can't even take care of yourself!  Your kids don't even know you and your significant other has left you for someone else and the bills are piling up but you can't keep a job. You hate everything about your life and yourself but you are unwilling to change anything.  You end up begging and living in the streets or worse in jail or even worse you die. You had no good impact on anyone and since you failed to be a good friend spouse or parent you have also failed your kids. You provided no good example to them and they will unfortunately follow in your footsteps.  Have you been here? If I'm honest, I've experienced this one in ways too. 

These are all messy places to be at and we all tend to fall into one of these categories. Maybe even bits and pieces of all 3 categories.  But there is hope. For the first category, (I can see me in this category) if you are always looking for more and better things that's not a bad thing but you can become excessive about it.  If you can't enjoy what you have you are missing so so much! "The more you own the more it owns you." What will you do with what you have?  If you always need more to be grateful than you will never be happy. The only One who can provide lasting happiness is God. Get to know Him and chase after Him not all this other stuff.  Stuff fades.  However if you share your stuff, you can be an amazing huge encouragement for others who are not as well off as you. This is an amazing gift and I am so thankful that God does bless others so they can in turn bless others.  It's a beautiful thing.  This category can also have a heavy self dependence instead of depending on God.  So when hard times come their faith can be easily shaken because they haven't really needed God until now.  So even if you think you have everything, you still need God.  

Oh man category 2 is where I tend to find myself at times...This person tries but it's always an uphill battle. Life is one trial after another. They are tired of trying and trying and worn out. What could they offer anyone?  The cool thing about this category is that you can offer much. You know what it's like to be faced with difficulty and trials.  You can help someone persevere through theirs.  See you can be an amazing witness for God even with all your uncertainties! You realize you absolutely need God so you put your trust in Him and not in your health your wealth your stuff and your smarts.  These trials will bring about a growing relationship with Jesus and if you are a believer isn't that what we desire? A closer relationship with God. But be very careful because if you do not see this as a chance to trust God you will likely abandon God and that puts you into the 3rd category.  

The good news about the 3rd category is that you are never too far gone.  Just because your parents weren't good examples and just because you are an addict does not mean that's how you have to end up.  You can choose to get out of the rut you are in and start following God.  Find a godly friend a Bible believing church find a facility that can keep you accountable.  It really comes down to you. Do you want to change your life for the better then pursue God and His ways.  Yes it's a rough journey but it also holds true and lasting happiness.  

This world puts a lot of pressure on us all.  This life is hard.  There is a Heaven and a Hell. There is a battle for your soul.  You are either God's or the Devils.  There is no middle ground. You will live forever either with God or separated from God.  So that's why we can't give up on pursuing God. He is our only hope. 

You may not have wealth health wisdom or talents...you may think God can't use you anymore or that you are too lost to be found or too old to change.  But that's not true. Don't listen to the enemies lies.  You are loved by God. Continue to follow God even when it hurts even when you don't see any changes and even when you're tired of trying because then you will be putting your trust in God into action and we know that faith pleases God.  "Without faith, it is impossible to please God."

God's Hall of Faith is found in Hebrews 11.  

Oh and if you do play the game, compare yourself with Jesus.  You will find that His love is incomparable to anyone else's and that He will forgive you and help you in whatever rough journey you are going through right now. 

Learning to be Thankful during a hard season

As Thanksgiving approaches, I try to focus on my blessings....which are many.....but I also seem to focus on everything that has changed and won't be the same.  This will be the first Thanksgiving without my Dad.  First Thanksgiving, I'm not working full time and doing what I love.  First Thanksgiving, I'm not eating a lot of yummy food (crazy diet) because my body is trying to kill me! (Auto immune diseases/inflammation) First Thanksgiving, I'm really wondering if I can be genuinely thankful and filled with hope in this holiday season.  Does God really have any good plans for me in my future and will this painful season ever end?  I trust God does. I have to believe that or I can't make it, Id just give up.  

Yes, it going to be hard getting together with family seeing knowing and feeling Dad is gone.  But my Dad is with Jesus and that is what's gonna bring me thankfulness this Thanksgiving.  I will see him again. 

Do I miss working with horses? Absolutely. Working with people is much harder for me! Going from full time and first shift and being appreciated to part time second shift and not readily appreciated or even remembered is incredibly difficult.  Working for a family and then for a corporation is very different. Corporations have lots of rules and we don't care what you think is good for you or them we will tell you what's good for you and them etc....so so frustrating, but let's save that rabbit trail for another time.

I have had to give up lots of family time and some horse ministry opportunities.  Shoot one night after work I came home and everyone was gone socializing with family...it hurts to miss out so much especially when you're still hurting. I even sang why I hate 2nd shift so much in the shower at the top of my lungs.  It was either that or cry.  God reminded me that all those people I work with rarely get to hang out with family too so my job was to love them like God loves me.  Be family to them as God has made me His family.

Can I be thankful for my health when it forced me to quit my job and could possibly make me give up the reason I work (to own horses)?  Can I be thankful if God allows me to become a cripple? I hate pain.  I can't live everyday with it God, it's too hard. Heal me or kill me.

What future is there for me?  If it's not good, just take me out now, please God. Just make sure it's quick. I'm not a good sufferer.

Have you ever been so full of questions for God but He's silent?  So God if you don't answer me what I should do, is it up to me to pick something? Has your heart ever hurt so much that you just need a hug from God?  Do you ever feel like God just flung you into the lions den with no plans to get you out?  Have you ever felt like this?

Whoa. Let's slow down here and remember that our lives here will not last forever.  I know life right now seems unfair, seems hard, seems unbearable and seems painful...because it is for me and maybe it is for you too and I'm not going to even try to tell you to just be happy about it cuz I sure ain't! 

But here's something to remember: God does have a plan for you! Your job is to trust His plan. God does love you. Your job is to believe that He loves you. God does have a future for you. Continue to pursue God. Read. Pray. Cry and yell if you need to from time to time. But continue to pursue God even when God is silent in your life. 

I have to confess that God is not silent in my life.  He might be silent on where I'm suppose to work and if my body will ever heal and if I'll ever get out of this Lions den season....but He is very clear that He still loves me and that He can use me despite how fallen apart I feel.  It doesn't matter where you go or what you're doing, if you have a good relationship with God, and you're trying to seek God even in a very tough season, God will use you! Because if you can follow God and shine for Him through this tough season, God will never stop loving you and providing for you during any season!! Your faith and trust in God will grow to new heights and that is exactly what God wants.  More of you. More of your heart. For you to say, "God I don't know what you're doing in my life and I don't understand it but I trust you."

Dear God poem/update

Sorry no updates lately as I was hoping to post that God got me out of this fiery trial but instead He seems to be keeping me in it and it's getting harder rather than easier. I honestly can't see much good in my life right now and the good I see seems like God is on the verge of taking that away too.  How would you be doing if God took your health away and caused you pain everyday, took a family member who loved and supported you and took your full time job that you loved away...and then He is silent.

A poem I wrote in my struggle:

Dear God, I admit I'm depressed.

My situation has got me stressed.

I feel like giving up you see

As you don't seem to realize what all is happening to me.

There comes a time when it's harder to live than die

Life keeps getting harder no matter how hard I try.

I'd like you to just get me gone,

But for some reason, you let me keep struggling on.

I ask You why do I have to live another day

When I have to walk this painful way?

What can I possibly do now for you

When you've taken away all that I use to do?!

I'm lonely and sad. Abandoned broke and weak.

I'm not sure I can handle another defeat.

Why is it God that I'm still here?

All I face is unknowns and fear!

I don't have anything left to give...

So why is it that you let me live?

Your silence is hard to understand

Because, in my heart, I know you have a plan!

Lord, I'm trying to read and pray

But I can't seem to do it everyday.

Forgive me for failing you Lord.

Help me to once again pick up my spiritual sword

As I don't want to be left alone in my dark season

Please give me a passion for you and a reason

To keep going on when everything goes wrong...

Because God, I want you to make me strong!

Amen.

Perhaps you have caught yourself saying a similar prayer. You don't know how to go on and you seem consumed by the devil and fiery trials. And it would be easier if God would just come get us or rescue us!! But for some reason God doesn't always do that.  He wants us to endure. And that can be tough cuz others peoples lives are going great and ours are a mess...

But here is one answer God gave me through a David Wilkerson sermon.  The reason you aren't giving up, the reason you can keep going...though it makes no sense to you to do that is because of the Holy Spirit in your life.  Yes it's because of God! How encouraging this was for me to hear! The reason I can go on is not because of me but Him. And I'm happy God is still living in me...such a relief. As much as I'm struggling to know God is still in me gives me endurance again.

Keep Pulling!

 I have been teaching Amos and Revelations (Revy) to accept the harness attached to them by practice and patience.  I have not yet added a cart until... Yesterday!! Yay! My horse riding pal, Claire, came for a visit to ride so since I had the extra help we hooked up Amos to the light 2 horse cart.  It took a lot of time to get things adjusted to safely proceed.  He did great waiting and wondering what in the world I was going to be doing with him today.  

Amos decided the cart was ok behind. After all  he has gotten use to me ground driving behind him and all my shenanigans behind him so he was ok with that as I led him.  Then I climbed in and Claire led him around with me in the cart. He was uncertain but then adjusted and followed Claire.  Then the next step was to have Claire let go and see if he could be brave on his own without someone to cling/look to for security...to trust my voice and my directions for him even with the added pulling weight and the newness of pulling against  resistance.... something he has never experienced. Amos had to trust that I would keep him safe through a tough new skill. Amos had a ton of try and he ended up doing fabulous for his first solo drive. You want your horse totally responsive to turning stopping and moving forward otherwise backwards moving in a cart without control can be very hazardous.

I only share this story to point out something God was trying to share with me.  I know I'm harnessed by God...I'm His and He is mine but sometimes it can feel like God doesn't know what He's doing in my life...I feel so much resistance I want to freeze up like Amos would try unsure of any movement at all...sometimes I get very unsure if I can trust my God with the reins because I don't understand the process of what He's trying to teach or do with me...in fact it seems much harder to trust when resistance is felt and experienced.  Amos had to learn to push through the resistance that once those cart wheels started rolling and he followed the path I wanted of him things got easier.  I think that's the lesson God wanted me to remember. God was trying to tell me, Sandy, I've put my harness on you and I need you to keep pulling towards me no matter how great the resistance feels in your life.  I know it's hard but keep pulling towards me.  It only gets easier when you learn to trust me.

This Is Not My Journey

My life has taken so many drastic changes in the last few months.  It really reminds me that this life is not my own but God's.  This is absolutely not the journey I would have chosen but it is the journey God has chosen for me.  Even though I don't like it or even hate it at times, I still have Hope...even though some days I feel like Hope is just not there anymore...I am choosing to believe that God is not done with me yet and that perhaps He has something better in mind for me and perhaps I'll even like it?  Because, as I learned from Bill, a dear brother in Christ, who has also just recently gone to be with Jesus after a hard hard battle with cancer.... You have to believe that God is in control otherwise you won't be able to make it in a hard painful journey.  You have to let go of what if I did this or

 that...maybe I wouldn't be in this situation...cuz when you start doing that all the control lies on you when really you never had any control....you're not that powerful.  You have to believe that where you are today is right where God wants you and you let God have control and trust that whether things change for the better or worse...God is still in control.

That can be really hard. You have to choose to not hate God for the hard journey He has given you.  See it's easy to love God when you love your journey.  You have the perfect job, the perfect house the perfect spouse, perfect health, perfect stability, perfect finances perfect relationships ...but what if God takes one or more of those things away? Can you still journey on with God when He lets so much difficulty and pain into your life?  What if God doesn't let your journey get any better? Can you still walk that journey with Him?  

Sometimes I wish I could see how much longer my journey on the earth is...or if God could let me know how much more pain I have to go through till my journey is over.  But God chooses to not tell us.  Why because He desires our love of Him to be so big so deep that our bodies become a living sacrifice to Him...it comes down to trusting God every step of our journey.  

I don't know how to trust that deep yet...perhaps God, in His mercy and love for me will help me learn to trust His ways are better than mine and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. 

Right now things are tough.  I am experiencing the hardest times ever in my own personal lifetime.  I am overwhelmed. Exhausted and in pain. Confused and frustrated.  The only reason I can't be continually mad at God is because I need Him so much.  In every part of my life.  He has exhausted my resources so I must trust Him.  

Quick health update: Praise God!! I passed all my MRI tests and biopsies no cancer was found! I am currently seeing through zoom an Australian nutritionist in which we are taking supplements and taking stool samples and cutting out gluten dairy and soy products.  However, you can still buy me chocolate!! Walmart and Kroger still has dairy and soy free dark chocolate!! Actually, Cacao is one thing I need to eat more of so 70 to 85 percent cacao chocolate is totally in for me!!! Yes!!! So see you can still get me chocolates!!  Ok so I researched this nutritionist and he has helped over 500 people with gut and autoimmune diseases so maybe God will choose to help me through this guy...hope so he costs a lot and this is the most I've spent on myself.  Well if God chooses to not heal me it won't be because I didn't try! Currently I'm working part time at a nursing home but will need another plan or more hours to help pay for things.  My body's inflammation is still high so my feet and ankles can hardly stand and walk most days without hurting. I have a cripples walk in the morning..can barely do steps than by afternoon I can usually walk ok and do steps again. Hands and wrists are very inflamed too.  We went to see my RA Dr and he suggested starting a new med but was ok not starting it yet unless I get worse. I want to see if supplements and diet do anything.  Plus I hate putting those strong meds that can cause cancer into me...but my RA Dr pointed out I'm at a high risk for cancer and other stuff if we don't get inflammation down.  Boy nothing like being up against walls either way!! 😫 Still taking methotrexate and 4mg of Prednisone per day along with bunches of supplements.  

I'm thinking of going into house sitting or pet sitting like taking care of your house and pets while your on vacation...just the very basics.  Really I'm probably doing as much as I can with my old sick body but am loving taking care of my neighbors 2 horses and cleaning stalls again!! Will see what happens but prices keep going up and I'll do what it takes to get money coming in...course that's again up to God and my health.  Out of my control.

Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers and support! I appreciate all of it so much! I'd rather be the cheerleader than the one that needs cheering but thanking God for you all! 

Enjoy some cute pics of Amos and Revy learning new tricks! 

Until next update, keep journeying on the path God has before you, friend, He has better days ahead for us.  Choose to stay with Him even when you'd rather leave.  Choose to read that Bible and pray often for that is sometimes the only peace we can experience on a hectic journey.

Is God done with me? Brokenness abounds.

Have you ever asked God that question...are you done with me? Because God has stripped me of my beloved Dad, beloved job, health and any control or stability I ever thought I had....and I feel He has stripped me of my identity.  I'm so hurt, it's hard to think straight.  My life my future my health my horse ministry completely struck down right now... possibly forever...Did I not hear you correctly God? Have I only imagined recognizing your voice in my life? My passion for the broken and weak and broken and weak horses...was that not from You? Or are you just done using me? Am I suppose to do something else?...than what? Silence. It's the answer I continue to get from God. Yes my identity is that I'm a child of God....not a horse trainer...not a missionary...but a very broken child of God. A child that God loves not because I'm talented in anyway but just because I'm His. Im completely at His mercy for how He chooses to use me.  I must confess it was never my talents that God used...he has always used my brokenness. And I have much of that lately....I'm not even sure how to put one foot in front of the other because of the continual pain physically (literally walking is painful) and spiritually.  I know that God still loves me and can use me cuz I'm still breathing. I just have no idea how He'll do it. I feel completely useless and helpless...in utter reliance on God for health, financial aide and spiritual direction.  I still spend time crying and praying God help me because I have no idea what I'm doing or what you're doing in my life.  Please guide me, God, as I know so many of my decisions have been hasty due to pain or just plain survival instincts or just those ordinary life decisions that need answers. 

I really enjoyed the ways that God has used me and am so thankful that He let me share my passion for horses and Jesus for so long. I hope He's not done with that but I'm letting Him know and praising Him for that opportunity.  When I think of all that God has let me do in horse ministry and the way He has moved not only my heart but many hearts,.....my tears overflow from gratefulness.  And perhaps a little bitterness as I don't understand why God would want that to stop.  Perhaps God doesn't. I don't know. Silence is what I hear.

One thing that you and I have to realize is that our enemy absolutely hates God's children and he will take his wrath and hate for God out on God's children.  

I've been trying to rest in God but my week has been so crazy it seems there is no time to rest or I'm too exhausted and overwhelmed to rest or making too many fast decisions.  

God did give me a bit of hope a rainbow so to speak in my current storm.  I believe God's still using me. Spiritually and physically mentally and emotionally I do not feel fit enough for God to even use an ounce of anything but again, I know God can use our brokenness and uselessness for His glory. Amen to that! It's all I can offer Him. 

Last Tuesday evening I was suppose to teach at Esther House but was on the phone with a nutritionist from Australia to try to get me set up with tests and supplements to see if we cant find a root cause to all this pain and suffering my body is going through. Not cheap but worth it if it'll help my pain and inflammation go down!  He gave me so much time that I had to have my mom call in to say I can't make it tonight. But instead was told to come late..."We love Sandy!" Why was that so encouraging? Cuz I don't like Sandy right now and can't figure out why anyone would! I have no strength no spiritual might no funds no mission no dreams or motivation to offer anyone....only complete brokenness and just a bit of faith in God left. So I went and God got all the glory cuz Sandy is too broken and stripped to offer anything but Jesus cuz that seems to be all I have to boast about lately...Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so....I just don't see or feel His love or understand what He is doing in my life right now.  I love to experience God in my life and it is possible to feel God and I crave that! So now I must try to believe it when I can't feel it.

Picture of my barn that needs fixing too brokenness abounds right now for sure. I actually asked my barn this question the other day, "if you're so holy, why don't you fix yourself?" Haha! Another reminder that us believers need God's holiness in our lives cuz we are broken and need Him to mend us. Cry out to Jesus.

Has God cast you into the fire?!

 It's Day 29 of the Lion Diet and it's not doing a thing for me. I finally cheated this week. I had fresh pumpkin seeds and I made a healthy dessert of peanut butter and maple syrup and semi sweet chocolate chips cooked that up and it was at least an unprocessed healthy dessert.  I've been so hard core in this diet but I'm losing hope...the very reason I began this diet was to keep my job at the horse farm....but my body gave out on me and it seems God literally forced me to quit my beloved job.  I really need a job especially with all my upcoming medical bills so trusting God will supply something. Secondly, I did not want to become a cripple so my discipline was amazing for this diet...but looks like I'm a cripple or headed there as my pain is the worst it's ever been.  ( I am currently taking a  round of Prednisone which is helping bring down pain thankfully) This Monday, I go in for a CT scan of my chest abdomen and pelvis to check for cancer.  Yeah...cancer...I feel kinda doomed as I asked my hemotologist if he thought I could have cancer and he told me yes you are at a high risk for cancer... Since doctors and meds won't work to bring down my inflammation, I need to get checked for cancer as that can cause inflammation to be so persistent.  Wow God has cast me into the fire with all that is happening in my life. Sometimes I'm just very speechless as I sit quietly and ponder my life right now and wonder why God won't even let me or my family have a breather.  I find at times my body is frozen and I'm unable to move from either shock or perhaps just plain confusion at where God is leading me.  I have never been in a valley this deep dark and discouraging.  Im completely overwhelmed.  Every day presents another problem.

I know God's with me in this valley but I can't hear Him.  Perhaps He knows I'm unable to bear what He has to say to me so He's waiting till I'm ready to listen.  I see God's hand in my life but where is His voice? I feel like chaff aimlessly blowing from one discouragement to the next and all I can mutter to pray consistently is God help me.  

So how can I encourage my fellow sufferers...I read this in Isaiah 30 today, Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, This is the way; walk in it." I'm asking God to open my ears to His voice and that I could recognize His voice when He says, Sandy this is the way walk in it.

Second encouragement. I do not consider myself to be worth much. I'm no preacher. No teacher. No big gun for Jesus so I question if I even fit into this category. But I was listening to a David Wilkerson sermon on why God let's some believers go through fire, through "hell" and continual suffering if you will.  Why are some believers persecuted non stop and others seem to have minimal problems. Many reasons but here's just one reason.  God is looking for believers who will walk through fire and follow Him through all kinds of sufferings because those are the believers who testify of God's glorious might in their lives and give God the most glory because these believers have learned to trust God through anything!!! Whatever comes their way!! Nothing can break this believers faith!! And faith pleases God! This is the testimony our world needs to see the most! God can use this testimony and desires this kind of testimony.  God can use this believer more and more to proclaim Himself through because this believer knows it's not about what they've done for God, but about what God has done for them. They give God the complete glory! You'd think God would protect these believers for there amazing desire of Him and there Faith in Him but instead He allows all this bad stuff because He knows they are fully surrendered to Him and are letting God have complete control in there lives. This is a life God will use. Desires to use. Longs to use. But not many are willing to be used like this. So be encouraged if God has you in the fire today. Trust Him. He will use you because you aren't in a position to get any glory...only God gets the glory and what a testimony we then get to be for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Our glory fades but God's glory shines! Isn't this what we are hear for? To bring glory and praise to God?! 

Beef. Salt. Water. Day 14 Update

The first week on the diet went great for the most part! Beef isn't so bad! And woohoo let's do this and feel better! I'm sick of being sick and I really want to feel better and be healed.  Let's do this! Big shout out to my Mom for preparing my meals and all I gotta do is heat it up! I have been so exhausted and in lots of pain she's really been helping me stick to this crazy diet! Hats off to you Mom! She even stopped buying tempting snacks! 💕🥰

Week two: ok I have a beef with beef here....it's all I eat everyday...so intensely boring! I say intense because it's hard!! My goodness have I been tempted so many times to cheat!!! With God's help I have not cheated. Coming home from work today I was freezing and normally I'd have a hot cacao or Mom's hot chocolate or cappuccino to warm me up...but what do I get!??...hot water! Ugh it's so frustrating.  I really want chocolate and stuffed crust pizza right now....oh and then my social life is a mess!! This introvert is becoming more introverted because I can't be around food (cuz I'm ravenous for food I can't have) and parties and family gatherings have food!!! Before you judge me though, let me remind you I have made it to 2

 weeks!! I know what I'm doing is not easy and I do so desperately desire healing so I have to run from temptations and yell like a drill sergeant at myself or vent.  I'm realizing this must be a common side affect. Oh boy...I really do hope and pray I can eat more food once my body goes into remission! Yes Remission I'm still hopeful! 🙏 I'm told through reading others information that in 4 to 6 weeks I should feel a difference and if I haven't by 3 months it probably won't work.😭 Although one site says 6 months...?? Example of a meal. I put Himalayan pink salt on it too. Salt helps me drink a little more plus it can help curve cravings.

Food is definitely a comfort for us humans isn't it? It brings us together and here in America we have so much of it we don't know what being thankful for beef to eat really means for some people or other nations.  

Here are some of my findings this week.  I'm still in lots of pain and have a ton of inflammation...my right hand has two inflammation bubbles now.  I'm more agitated and wiped out... possibly more in pain and inflamed too...less quality sleep or wake up every hour or 2 because my body is in pain or achey.  I also get nauseous every so often...it's not bad but it's annoying I'm praying these are all signs of detoxing as I had looked up symptoms for that.  Things usually get worse before they get better. That's what I'm reminding myself anyway. 

 Good side affects of eating beef for 14 days.  It fills you up and you stay full longer. You always know what's for dinner. And I have lost at least 5lbs probably more. 

My favorite dishes include ground beef, steak and hamburger patties (they are like the new cereal bar! Easy to grab and eat on the go!) or even a good roast!! so if you want to have me over to eat and provide a dish that I can eat those are my favorites. Just make sure the meat doesn't have any additional additives. I can also eat bison/deer/ and lamb...Just started on some ground deer meat.  

Random fact. You do have to eat quite a bit of meat so we have been going through meat fast cuz that's all I can eat! 

Seems I have covered a small milestone. Keep the prayers coming! My body is definitely suffering greatly and my days are really tough to get through but I know my God is able to see me through! 

Desperate for Healing

Ever been desperate for something or someone that you do something drastic or...desperate. "Desperate times call for desperate measures!" As Pastor Shane would say. I agree. The church can't just keep going like it always has....and Christians can't just do what we've always done. We need God like never before in this country and in our world....But when will we actually be desperate for God to move...when will we be ready to quit playing games and get serious with God? What is God going to have to do to you or in your life for you to get serious. After all we are here for God and to proclaim His Truth to stand firm because truth doesn't change. But I've blogged about this topic before so let's get into desperate for healing. 

Boy how many of us are desperate for some kind of healing these days? I know we don't always get healing or relief because God has other plans for us and we don't always get God on that...we just have to trust He knows what He's doing and He can use us as is. God will heal us one day if we are a believer in Him but for now we walk with pain and problems. 

But how desperate are we really for healing? Are we willing to go through a very hard journey? To give up many things we love? To go against our flesh? To be in constant battle? To always be attacked and exhausted? To go after something so much and not even know if it's achievable! To spend time effort lack of sleep and research just in hopes to gain an answer?  I'd say, you know how it is to be desperate.

So here's why I am desperate for healing...my health keeps getting worse and worse every year. I now have been diagnosed with RA, Fibromyalgia, chronic Fatigue and Lupus not to mention uti's and migraines. This year my health is at an all time low and I fear if it keeps up like this I soon will not be able to work, ride my horses, help Mom around the house do horse ministry or do anything or have any quality of life because of the overwhelming amount of pain and inflammation currently in my body. I know I look normal...but is it normal to be in pain just standing up? Is it normal to have no motivation to get out of bed cuz you'll know you'll really be in pain once you try to move your body.  

My hemotology results were praise the Lord no new disorders but Im at a triple high threat to getting blot clots...more labs and another Dr. Visit to follow in 4 weeks.  So adding a baby aspirin to my daily pills to help keep blood from clotting. Being only 32, and unable to walk without pain and do things because I'm so exhausted and not having Drs know what to do for me or worse making me worse, I hit my desperate for health mode.  I told the doctor, I'm too young to not be able to walk and do things without pain sometimes very intense pain! Pain gets to you... physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  I began to research and pray and beg God for help...I also recruited any person to pray for me that I knew would. Then I just had to wait for God to move. 

I'm not the desperate type. I like being lazy when it comes to health. I don't want any restrictions. I'm already sick shouldn't I at least have some comfort food like chocolate and peanut butter? Don't I deserve to have tasty stuff when my body is so in pain and sick...that's my right right? For awhile God has been calling me to something I just haven't known what? Or maybe I just didn't want to do it. But when your health is rapidly declining and there arent many suggestions besides let's switch big meds...you get desperate for better answers. 

 God has led me to try the Carnivore diet. It's where you only eat meat and animal products. No fruit no sugar no carbs no gluten no dairy no veggies no nothing just meat. Currently, this is Day 4. I'm just eating beef. salt. and water right now. Is it hard? Yes but living in pain everyday from low to severe is quite motivating!!! Long story short. My research says that 56percent of the people who tried this diet had autoimmune diseases and out of that percentage 89 percent said they resolved there disease or experienced significant pain and inflammation relief.  Another study shows that back in the 1800s or 1900s Dr. Salisbury told his RA patients if you want to go into remission eat red meat and hence we have Salisbury steak named after this doctor. Apparently, this treatment was way more common and helped but I never was told about it in fact quite the opposite...to stay away from red meat!

Obviously I don't know if this will help as I'm only on Day 4 but I'm praying God can heal me through this because I can not keep doing life with this pain and all these health problems! I desire a better quality of life...I want to want to get out of bed! I want to do more for God and not be exhausted! I want to be able to get on my horse without struggle and stay on her without pain! I want to keep a job and work hard like a horse gal needs too! I want to have the energy and health to be around for my family and friends!  So I'll probably add to this list of reasons why I have have MUST stick to this limiting diet and punch cravings and shoot temptations because so much is at steak..hmm pun intended but in all seriousness my health is bad and that's not funny.  Please pray for me. That I can resist temptation stay true to this diet and my body would heal or feel better soon.  I'm desperate for healing. Desperate to touch the hem of His garment. I don't know where I'll find myself at the end of this journey. Healed or still very sick. I just know that God knows I'm desperate for Him and I'm proving it by throwing an idol away in my life...food.

Health Update/Family update

All of you probably know by now that my Dad lost his battle with cancer but gained forever with Jesus on December 23.  Even through it all God heard our prayers and took my Dad without making him suffer too long and he got to spend one more Christmas with the Kieser family.  

Honestly life seemed to stop for awhile for us.  The grief hits hard and then it's like your walking and going through your day reading your Bible and trying to pray but you don't really know what you're doing...it's like a fog comes over you and sits on you for awhile and it's heavy.  You go through a time of questioning....God why did Dad have to get cancer? Why couldn't the treatments work? I wasn't ready to let go yet...I still had learning to gain from my Dad.  I learned I had to call out to my Heavenly Father...my dear God because I didn't understand. I knew God loved my family and my Dad but I was still full of hurt and complete exhaustion.  Standing in the funeral line my body was completely shaking afterwards.  During the line before the funeral service I had to sit down because I felt faint.  But even during that time, I just want to thank my family and friends neighbors and church for praying for us and your outpouring of love on me and my family.  You helped us realize God will help us through so thanks for sharing His love with us and being His hands and feet. 

To help get myself out of the fog, I asked if Mom Ted and I could pray together at night. We always need Jesus but felt like we needed Him even more since everything was just hard. So we have begun praying together and it's been great to check in on each other almost everything night.  It has really helped. Praise God. We are all doing ok. Lots of new challenges/changes ahead but we have God helping us through them. Taking one day at a time helps.

Ok remember those blood tests that my RA Dr had me get? The results are in and I have mildly high platelets and my antiphospholipid antibodies are also mildly positive. I'm told I'm at a greater risk of blood clots and told that I need to go hemotology for further evaluation....I found out about this Monday. Not so good of a day for me especially when you have a cancer center calling you to make an appointment.  Doesn't God know what my poor family has already been through?  Sure He does.  My memory verse this week was super appropriate. 2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

I love this verse! Yes I'm super weak and my body is completely messed up...I'm even getting over another migraine as I type this.  Previously I had them every other day or so but have recently gone around 2 and a half to 3 weeks without one so that's a praise....ugh I hate em though! Also my MRI was normalish so another praise God moment. I'm exhausted but yet I love Jesus and I want to make sure you know that it is Him and Him alone that is my strength a d joy through this tough journey.  That's Him you see in me! I can't get up in the morning without His strength, I can't train horses without His wisdom, I can't encourage others without His love for me.  I will choose to boast about Jesus no matter how weak my body becomes because I do so need Christ's power resting on me.

I would very much appreciate prayers though as the devil is a great discourager. And I really really don't want another disease or disorder or ? I'd rather Jesus just take me quick....send another chariot for me God like you did for Elijah!  What a way to go!! 

Update on my Dad and Myself (God, when are you coming?)

    I haven't had the words or energy to blog.  My life and that of my family's is a constant inconstant.  Days where I just want to cry and cry but don't have the time.  Days where I cry anyway.  Perhaps I shouldn't even begin to try to even blog about it.  There are days of ups and downs.  Days where we can handle the situations (or God gives us enough joy and endurance) and days where we can't but have too (but we aren't sure how much more we can take).  How does one prepare for a single day when its so unknown.  How cruel life is when you have to watch a loved one suffer and become old and weak and not knowing what they are doing before your very eyes.  What hurt!  What deep hurt comes from that.  Questions.  No answers.  This, alone, seems to be a constant.  Exhaustion.  Stress.  Pain.  Confusion.  Worry.  Yes anger at the entanglement and truly different life changes....Things I want to do replaced with I have to dos.  My young body filled with inflammation and disease....painful joints....migraine flare ups, visual disturbances, numbness and tingling and decay and more decay....but we all fight on and say...We will be ok one of these days.  Maybe I'm just really looking forward to THAT DAY!!. So God, when are you coming?  I sure pray its soon. 

    My Dad is back in the hospital again.  He eats very little, gets dehydrated then confused, runs a fever and can barely walk at times.  He had a very bad time last night.  Mom had a rough night taking care of him and I know I didn't sleep well knowing what was likely happening after seeing a good dose before I tried going to bed.  At this point, my Dad really needs a miracle of healing or God to come get him...Again I know Christmas is a joyful season but this year all I can think of asking is...God, when are you coming back again?  Could it be this time of year when we celebrate You?  All I want for Christmas is JESUS!  

    Perhaps some of you knew, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus, two autoimmune diseases That cause inflammation all over your body.  It can be hard for my Dr. to determine where the inflammation is but if it were to settle in the right spot that could cause a heart attack or breathing issues many etc.  I was so bad with pain, I decided to try a steroid shot in September and it may have been the cause of my recent migraine issues and other sideaffects.  I was getting the effects of things associated with headaches or the bad headaches themselves every other day for 2 weeks.  My RA DR. ordered an MRI of my brain to check for MS (another autoimmune disease).  Thankfully, that test did not declare me to have that. However, I do have a couple spots on my brain we will have to recheck in a couple years as if they grow we need to try something as inflammation in your brain will very likely lead the Alzheimers and that is something I do not want.  I'm sorta unique in all the potential areas I have inflammation as I questioned my Dr as to why am I getting all these autoimmune diseases???  He used a big word for me today.  He want to do more blood tests on me because my inflammation just will not go down.  So he wants to see what those tests say.  But he said I could fall into the category of Spondyloaothoroapafy which is a huge word for YOU HAVE A VERY DISEASED BODY!!  or you could have several autoimmune diseases so you are going to be hard to treat and they will need to know more about which one is attacking me so they can better target that one so that we can control inflammation because if we can't....no good will come of it at all.  I was thinking if we can't control it how Id actually want to get struck by lightning and go quick cuz I have to tell you I'm tried of all this constant pain.  So the steroid helped me feel the most normal I have ever felt since the disease.  I have had some really really rough years gang.  I know I'm a pretty joyful person and I look normal but I rarely feel normal.  I really do live off the joy of Jesus.  I do desperately need Jesus.  On the days I feel His presence in me and around me I feel unstoppable even in this body of mine.  But boy the days where I wonder if He even cares about me cuz I just seem to get worse off, my Dad seems to get worse off, and life in general just gets worse and it feels like God is personally attacking me, those are really rough days....Again, I ask, hey, God, When are you coming for me?  How much more must I endure?

I see my own body attacked more and more, my Dad suffering and dying either from cancer or chemo or both, I see the toll it takes on all my family members, I see the world in a dying state, I see America rejecting God and His Word.  I see America's church dying of "cancer" because she let's in the world instead of the world changing because of the church, I see mass sufferings, shootings, rise of suicides and health problems and opioid use, kids being slaughtered in the womb, I hear the silence of Truth, I see kids confused with there identity, In short I see evil running rampant and I wonder...God will you come back now?  How much is enough for you?  How many more must be persecuted or killed in the womb?  How many more children led astray?  How many more of your believers must continue to suffer here on earth?  How long will you let this evil run rampant and evil men/women prosper?  (Am I sounding like David cuz I just got through reading Psalms) When will you take pity on your own?  God, You sent your son, Jesus, a long time ago.  We needed Him then, but I think we need Him even more now.  Jesus, Come quickly.

https://youtu.be/SPkq5oDGkzk

     

Eye of the Storm Shawnee 2016

Are you peppy for Jesus?

I'll never forget what a dear elderly lady in church said to me one Sunday..."You're so peppy!" Peppy is kinda an old word so I'll help give you some meanings: high spirited, enthusiastic, lively, full of energy, active, alert

Of course I loved her compliment...I can certainly be peppy. What happens when your peppy gets pooped? The devil doesnt like peppy believers at all...so he will try to tire them out in whatever way possible to create pooped worn out of all peppyness believers.

Here's the thing about peppy believers the devil cant stand....their perseverance! It falls under their spiritedness. My buckskin is very peppy and high spirited. Try telling her something she doesnt want to do....see how far you get with her. But then be amazed at how much and how far she will go for you just because she loves you and wants to please you. It's not that we lost our connection when she doesnt cooperate it's just that she thinks she can handle the situation better than you can. I suppose you could call that just plain stubborn! But even then stubborn peppy believers are tough to break away their connection with God and the devil knows that.

This type is often laid out flat on the ground but while laid out they are trying their best to trip up the devil. If we have to be down we may as well be tripping the devil ok?

This type not only wants to tell you about Jesus but wants you to experience Jesus for yourself so like my enthusiastic horse who is not content with just showing you one small trick but 10 other bigger and tougher tricks she knows! So we, as peppy believers, are not content to tell you just one thing about Jesus but everything we know about Him!! Everything! Sit down....get comfy...that may take a couple days!

Peppy believers can mess up and hurt others and have days where we want to give up but thank goodness God provides and revives our pep when we're pooped.

If you're pooped, Ask God to get you excited about living for Him again.

If you're peppy, Ask God who needs to get excited about You?

 

God's Not Done! (I just want to get you excited about loving Jesus!

 

God's Not Done. A super encouraging thought! And if you are here today reading this than you can be sure that God is not done with you either. I have known my horses for many years and I love them just as they are. When they fail I forgive them, when they get rowdy, I discipline them when they get sick, I help them in every way possible because my love for them doesn't just leave one day and come back another day depending on this or that. No my love for my horses wont ever run out or be done! Oh how my horses love to learn new things when I train them tricks! I think they get excited to please me more knowing I'm not done with teaching them new things or taking them on new adventures! It excites them! They love to be used! But they have to know certain things before I can do certain things with them. We have to have developed a strong relationship with each other. This comes from a pattern of struggles and achievements. Ups and downs and even lower than downs at times...like giving up.

Isn't this the way God works with us too? I get so much excitement from God knowing that He has placed me here for a reason! Even after knowing Him for many years, I still get excited everytime He teaches me something new about the Bible or Himself! Or how He keeps forgiving me after I fail Him or I forget what He taught me and He has to remind me again or how He provides me strength and endurance to get through another day. How much joy that brings me to know that God is not done with me or any of my situations...those struggles you are enduring could be a way that you get to experience God more in your life! Those challenging relationships could be helping you to become more like Him! All those mistakes you made could help you see your desperate need for Him. I'm so thankful that God is not done even when it seems like He's not doing anything. Nothing is done until God takes your last breath. You might be done but God isn't. He's the One that made you and knows you and wants to teach you so many new things about Himself if you and I are only willing! Willing to learn when it's easy and when it's really really hard and painful...it may be dreadful...but you wont be going through it without God! And God has so much He wants you to experience with Him! That's correct. God wants you to EXPERIENCE Him! God doesnt just want you to know Him but to experience Him. Did you know you can experience God? That you can feel God? You can but you have to go through the ups and downs and yeah sometimes the way way awefuls. But heres the encouragement...God's not ever done in your life unless you choose to be done with God so always seek God and never give up! (Luke 18:1) God can bring light even to a dark situation so seek God for direction. God can provide joy even when your situation does not change so ask God for His presence. God can answer a prayer when it seems so far out of His hearing and highly impossible so keep praying. And along your journey with God, He will amaze you by His love and provision and you will not be able to contain your love or excitement for Him.

Wow! How much more that should make us desire to spend more time with Him! Even though we have a struggle or fear or overwhelming situation...even when the trial wont quit or maybe we are faced with it forever....even when all hell is breaking loose all around us and in our country and the world...we can remember that God is not done. Stay strong believer. Pray strong! And believe that with God all things are possible! You plus God equals majority! And God wants to use you because He loves you and once you develop a relationship with God you'll develop a Gods not done attitude too!

 

 

God, I'm Exhausted

I write this being exhausted. It's a busy time at work. It's a busy time here at home with many spring projects to do or horses to train and just trying to keep up with the normal stuff! Then God asks you to do more and you do because you know its from Him. But there's still this project God wants me to do that I'm dragging my feet on as I tell God, I'm just too exhausted! I say this in complete honesty as I'm getting over a bad migraine. My body is completely drained. My health problems are flaring. But my God says Keep going. Keep fighting. Do it.

Reminds me that there are no retirement verses in the Bible. Run the race! Fight the fight! Stand fast! And having done all to stand...STAND! I heard a preacher say, When God takes me, I want to be lying exhausted on the Battlefield!! Why? Because I gave God everything I had!

Had me thinking...do I want God to find me on my couch watching a movie when I'm tired or exhausted on my face before Him praying when I'm tired?

When my body is in pain does God want me to excuse myself from the battle for that day or season or do I limp, crawl, and drag myself to the battlefield anyway because a true follower of God refuses to let circumstances deter them from the battlefield.

Will God find me exhausted on the battlefield? How does one even accomplish that?

Remember this verse? Always pray. And never give up!

Now, I'm not saying that I'm against naps or taking a day or a season to do way less. (Today I'm doing way less!) In fact that can be healthy and absolutely needed! I'm just wondering are we exhausting ourselves for Jesus? Are we all in for Him? Even when lying exhausted on the battlefield? See, We can exhaust ourselves with work hours... family functions...entertainment...and yes even good things like ministries can exhaust you.....but what about the battlefield? Are you fighting the battle God has for you or your own battle? Will God find me exhausted on the Battlefield for Him or will He find me holding back on what He called me to do? A true soldier of Jesus knows their assignment...Do you know your assignment? If you don't, ask God to show you your battlefield. He will. Wow just standing up for Biblical values in America is a battlefield now!

If you are off course in your battle and you know you have not been fighting well then get back in the fight! God desires you to stay in the fight!

Dear God, Help me to finish the race not holding back anything that you wanted me to do! Let me lie exhausted on the battlefield for you!

 

Let Me Get This Straight – Pastor Shane Idleman Love what God loves/hate what God hates

As always, I speak to myself first. Did you know the Bible actually states that if you love God you should hate evil. You should hate what God hates.  That's strong language. But in our society wickedness abounds....did you know IL is the most welcoming midwestern state for abortions? Did you know that women flock here just for that? Did you know that our politicians want murderes to be able to vote in prison? Did you know that criminals have more rights than policemen? Did you know that kids are getting taught in school that transgender is ok and you can be whatever sex you want whatever day you want....we can even give you pills and surgery to transform you? Did you know that marriage is between whomever you desire? Forget what the Bible says about one man and one women...did you know that they want to make abortion pills for vending machines? Marijuana is now legal to use.  Did you know you can use your phone to set yourself up with sexual immorality? Does any of this bother you? This is even looked on as good in our society...I weep over this. And I have only begun to mention the evil going on. I could go on and on.

We have been silent too long...passivity has set in...we no longer hate what God hates for fear of being persecuted or rejected or called a bigot or hater racist etc. Our standards are not Gods high moral standards...I wonder what will it take for us...our nation...Believers to become desperate for God? Are our eyes blinded? Do our ears not hear anymore? Does our heart not cry out at the sin of ourselves and our nation? Do we not cry out because we are ignorant or refuse to even want to see the evil? Do we just try to stay inside our own little box to hide and protect ourselves from any evil.  Have we turned into cowards instead of soldiers? Does evil not affect us anymore...is it not offensive to us...does it not cause us to pray more? To humble ourselves before our God and beg for revival of hearts starting first with our own heart and then with all believers....Have we bought into the lies of our society? Have you been decieved slowly for so long that you no longer feel or recognize evil?  Are we asleep? No outcry no emotions no anguish over what is happening? I wonder how much more of this can Gods heart take? We have offended God by our silence and lack of boldness and our lack of seeking the full council of Gods Word. Because if you really read the Bible and Gods take on things you would see that God hates evil. Look up what God hates. You will be convicted. But we need to be convicted to repent and to become humble and to act. The other amazing truth you will see over and over in the Bible is this: when believers (nonbelievers too) humble themselves before God seek Him and pray God heals and forgives or postpones judgment. We need God. We really really really need God. 

If you're not sure of truth anymore, pray...then look at Gods Word...all of it...dont just hang your hat on one story or one verse.  Absorb all of scripture. Then pray again.  God is closest to a contrite heart and a humble heart and a heart that cries out to Him in sincerity and reverence and persistence.