When God takes away something good or changes your life in a way that is very difficult, where do you find yourself? Depression. Discouragement. Doubt. Derailed. Destroyed. You like all the D's? That's where I'm at folks. Before I continue with some reasons. I will not share all of them but I will be genuinely raw because I know I can't be the only one to have life crashing down on them. Life will at some point even if it hasn't yet for you.
For 35 years I have been born and raised a country girl. I've never shied from hard work mud or other stuff animals produce. I was raised to dig in and work hard, play hard, be bold and explore creeks woods land catch salamanders toads and frogs anything that could be caught! I know how to be kind and gentle. I've bottle fed kittens and have helped struggling creatures heal. I've been able to look at God's beauty up close touch it and experience it. Countless nights looking up at the stars in the black night praising God for his beautiful lights. No city lights can ever replace God's lights. Coming home from work to have peace and quiet...no roaring motorcycles or loud cars just quiet birds and breezes. No one around. I can go outside in my jammies. I can smell clean air. This might not sound like much but it's been my life and now I'm not sure what my life is gonna be like.
My Mom is moving out of our farm house. The house where I grew up where 2 family dogs and a horse is buried. A place that felt like home. Safety. Rest. Peaceful. A community of other country families that genuinely cared for each other. Oh it aches my heart to leave. I have not wanted to share this with you. I would buy it if I thought I could afford it and the painful truth is I can't. 35 years of hard work and it seemed to have gotten me nothing of financial value.
One reason was due to a previous hard change. Physical health problems. First Rhuematoid Disease, well first was frequent uti's when I was very young, then I had allergic reactions to lots of stuff then later chronic migraines then after RA, chronic fatigue and I can't remember the name of the next diagnosis. Then CMV then eventually Lupus. From 18 on my life has been a constant trial to just get up in the morning and try to go to work! Why plans the future when the present is so painful? Pain doesn't go to bed for me. I always have some amount of pain even on the strongest of meds. I don't know why nothing seems to help. I've pleaded to God for healing tried many diets and exercises spent lots of money but to no avail. When you spend your life asking God why you are alive you don't often think of any other major decisions down the road. In fact, I asked God to let me come home to heaven at 32. I told him I don't deserve to live as long as your son Jesus. To tell you the truth, I just wanted out of this world and that's what I was focusing on. God get me out of here!! Please! Why do you let me linger with constant pain, discouragement and hardships? Don't you care about me at all? When is enough enough?
I was out riding my horse one day (great therapy for me and no I am not selling my horses with this move) and I asked God why do I have to live anyway? I know a better place is prepared for me in Heaven and I long for it so why are you keeping me here on this earth?!! What is it I've missed? Seems I struggle all the time and I'm tired of this constant weak painful body and I'm tired physically of just doing one more day and telling myself do one more day all in constant pain!! How many more days, Lord?! Will you continue to let me suffer? Why? I'm done living for me God. There is nothing I desire. My dreams are shattered. My body is crippled. I have nothing I can offer. Just take me home. While I was continuing the ride, God spoke to my heart if you can't live for you can you live for others? "I don't know, God. I can't even take care of me! How can I possibly help others? God, I can't live for others just take me home please!" God asked me another question. And it cut right to my heart like His questions often do. God asked me, Will you live for me? I cried. God I am. I was. I do but it's so hard. Why do you allow my journey to be so hard? Why is my journey so long and so hard? (35 years is long when it's a hard journey) Why can't I come home to you, God?! Or please please Jesus come back!
That ride happened awhile ago and more recently God answered why I can't come home yet. (Though I'm praying my journey here is not too much longer...I don't want a long life so don't pray for one for me please!!) Quality is more important to me than quantity. I work at a nursing home folks. Many of those dear folks are in pain or just a shell of themselves and it is heartbreaking to me. It would be a huge answer to prayer if God did not allow me to linger on in pain forever and ever on earth and that is a fear of mine because God's answer to my purpose for Him made me burst out in tears.
God's purpose for me is suffering. He is allowing me much suffering in my walk with Him because He knows that suffering is relatable to most people's lives in the world right now. How many people do you know who are suffering from health issues, addictions, loss of a loved one, financial strains, relationship sorrows, unpleasant and unplanned events. Suffering has made me a compassionate person, suffering has made me dependent on God and suffering has made each blessing in my life more joyful than it ought to be and people probably go that's weird...she has so little going for her but yet she still smiles. Thanks to Jesus. I still can smile. My life is crumbling apart and I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life now but I know my purpose is to persevere through this journey of suffering so that others can see that Jesus is the only reason I'm living and that you can experience joy even in the midst of ongoing pain and struggles. It's not the journey I wanted or dreamed of for God, but it's the journey God gave me. I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone. I wish God would not have picked me either but I rest in knowing that He picked me knowing my faults and still said I choose you to do this hard journey. If you've lived a life with not much pain then you can't imagine what it's like.
When you pick out a flower, you pick the best one...the brightest the most petals etc. What happens after a flower is picked? then the flower suffers but just know this you were picked because of your beauty. You are beautiful to the Master Designer and He picked you for something special that He will use to glorify Himself. I can't help you understand this. I'm still trying to cope with and understand why God gave me suffering on purpose. It's my calling and maybe you'll have a season of suffering ahead too. But know this, God cares about you and He promises a life forever with Him. Until then, I'm still praying Jesus comes back or comes and gets me!
And you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl. Here's to more country living ahead if I can help it! Prayers appreciated as I have no idea what I'm going to be doing.
