Which category are you?

Have you ever played the comparing yourself with others game? It's not fun.  But if you're like me you play it sometimes.  Perhaps it's because we can't help it....you see someone else's life and you think that's it that's what I need!....if I could just get that or be like them in this area then I'd have it much much easier.  Comparing ourselves to others brings about 2 main categories. 1. We compare ourselves with others who have more stuff (fancier cars, nice homes, expensive hobbies) or better relationships or better health or better jobs or more money or just plain smarter than us!  We tend to judge based off of those things forgetting that these people actually do have problems we just may not see those problems because we are focused on what they have and blind to what they are missing. We also tend to compare ourselves with too high and unattainable people which makes us feel like we have not accomplished much or belittles us.  We then become discontent and bitter instead of being thankful for what we have. We are blind to how blessed we really are.  We have health wealth family and friends but that's not good enough.  We are always looking for more.

2. You can also go completely opposite and compare yourself to the worst person you can possibly imagine which generates a hopeless feeling and a why try attitude.  You tend to think of yourself as a victim because no matter how hard you try you are always sitting in the sewage of life.  Your circumstances control you and though you've tried your best it just seems like you'll never amount to anything.  Your health isn't great, your wealth...what's wealth? you don't think anyone really likes you so relationships are hard, your talents (if you still think you have one besides being a winner at a losing game) just are not paying off so what good are you to anyone?.....what's the point of going on when everything is against you? 

I guess we actually have the 3 categories.  3. You no longer care to strive for anything good so your life continues to spiral downward.  Perhaps you now do drugs or excessive alcohol or self harm in various ways. You are either in bad relationships or you can't do relationships anymore. You can't even take care of yourself!  Your kids don't even know you and your significant other has left you for someone else and the bills are piling up but you can't keep a job. You hate everything about your life and yourself but you are unwilling to change anything.  You end up begging and living in the streets or worse in jail or even worse you die. You had no good impact on anyone and since you failed to be a good friend spouse or parent you have also failed your kids. You provided no good example to them and they will unfortunately follow in your footsteps.  Have you been here? If I'm honest, I've experienced this one in ways too. 

These are all messy places to be at and we all tend to fall into one of these categories. Maybe even bits and pieces of all 3 categories.  But there is hope. For the first category, (I can see me in this category) if you are always looking for more and better things that's not a bad thing but you can become excessive about it.  If you can't enjoy what you have you are missing so so much! "The more you own the more it owns you." What will you do with what you have?  If you always need more to be grateful than you will never be happy. The only One who can provide lasting happiness is God. Get to know Him and chase after Him not all this other stuff.  Stuff fades.  However if you share your stuff, you can be an amazing huge encouragement for others who are not as well off as you. This is an amazing gift and I am so thankful that God does bless others so they can in turn bless others.  It's a beautiful thing.  This category can also have a heavy self dependence instead of depending on God.  So when hard times come their faith can be easily shaken because they haven't really needed God until now.  So even if you think you have everything, you still need God.  

Oh man category 2 is where I tend to find myself at times...This person tries but it's always an uphill battle. Life is one trial after another. They are tired of trying and trying and worn out. What could they offer anyone?  The cool thing about this category is that you can offer much. You know what it's like to be faced with difficulty and trials.  You can help someone persevere through theirs.  See you can be an amazing witness for God even with all your uncertainties! You realize you absolutely need God so you put your trust in Him and not in your health your wealth your stuff and your smarts.  These trials will bring about a growing relationship with Jesus and if you are a believer isn't that what we desire? A closer relationship with God. But be very careful because if you do not see this as a chance to trust God you will likely abandon God and that puts you into the 3rd category.  

The good news about the 3rd category is that you are never too far gone.  Just because your parents weren't good examples and just because you are an addict does not mean that's how you have to end up.  You can choose to get out of the rut you are in and start following God.  Find a godly friend a Bible believing church find a facility that can keep you accountable.  It really comes down to you. Do you want to change your life for the better then pursue God and His ways.  Yes it's a rough journey but it also holds true and lasting happiness.  

This world puts a lot of pressure on us all.  This life is hard.  There is a Heaven and a Hell. There is a battle for your soul.  You are either God's or the Devils.  There is no middle ground. You will live forever either with God or separated from God.  So that's why we can't give up on pursuing God. He is our only hope. 

You may not have wealth health wisdom or talents...you may think God can't use you anymore or that you are too lost to be found or too old to change.  But that's not true. Don't listen to the enemies lies.  You are loved by God. Continue to follow God even when it hurts even when you don't see any changes and even when you're tired of trying because then you will be putting your trust in God into action and we know that faith pleases God.  "Without faith, it is impossible to please God."

God's Hall of Faith is found in Hebrews 11.  

Oh and if you do play the game, compare yourself with Jesus.  You will find that His love is incomparable to anyone else's and that He will forgive you and help you in whatever rough journey you are going through right now. 

Learning to be Thankful during a hard season

As Thanksgiving approaches, I try to focus on my blessings....which are many.....but I also seem to focus on everything that has changed and won't be the same.  This will be the first Thanksgiving without my Dad.  First Thanksgiving, I'm not working full time and doing what I love.  First Thanksgiving, I'm not eating a lot of yummy food (crazy diet) because my body is trying to kill me! (Auto immune diseases/inflammation) First Thanksgiving, I'm really wondering if I can be genuinely thankful and filled with hope in this holiday season.  Does God really have any good plans for me in my future and will this painful season ever end?  I trust God does. I have to believe that or I can't make it, Id just give up.  

Yes, it going to be hard getting together with family seeing knowing and feeling Dad is gone.  But my Dad is with Jesus and that is what's gonna bring me thankfulness this Thanksgiving.  I will see him again. 

Do I miss working with horses? Absolutely. Working with people is much harder for me! Going from full time and first shift and being appreciated to part time second shift and not readily appreciated or even remembered is incredibly difficult.  Working for a family and then for a corporation is very different. Corporations have lots of rules and we don't care what you think is good for you or them we will tell you what's good for you and them etc....so so frustrating, but let's save that rabbit trail for another time.

I have had to give up lots of family time and some horse ministry opportunities.  Shoot one night after work I came home and everyone was gone socializing with family...it hurts to miss out so much especially when you're still hurting. I even sang why I hate 2nd shift so much in the shower at the top of my lungs.  It was either that or cry.  God reminded me that all those people I work with rarely get to hang out with family too so my job was to love them like God loves me.  Be family to them as God has made me His family.

Can I be thankful for my health when it forced me to quit my job and could possibly make me give up the reason I work (to own horses)?  Can I be thankful if God allows me to become a cripple? I hate pain.  I can't live everyday with it God, it's too hard. Heal me or kill me.

What future is there for me?  If it's not good, just take me out now, please God. Just make sure it's quick. I'm not a good sufferer.

Have you ever been so full of questions for God but He's silent?  So God if you don't answer me what I should do, is it up to me to pick something? Has your heart ever hurt so much that you just need a hug from God?  Do you ever feel like God just flung you into the lions den with no plans to get you out?  Have you ever felt like this?

Whoa. Let's slow down here and remember that our lives here will not last forever.  I know life right now seems unfair, seems hard, seems unbearable and seems painful...because it is for me and maybe it is for you too and I'm not going to even try to tell you to just be happy about it cuz I sure ain't! 

But here's something to remember: God does have a plan for you! Your job is to trust His plan. God does love you. Your job is to believe that He loves you. God does have a future for you. Continue to pursue God. Read. Pray. Cry and yell if you need to from time to time. But continue to pursue God even when God is silent in your life. 

I have to confess that God is not silent in my life.  He might be silent on where I'm suppose to work and if my body will ever heal and if I'll ever get out of this Lions den season....but He is very clear that He still loves me and that He can use me despite how fallen apart I feel.  It doesn't matter where you go or what you're doing, if you have a good relationship with God, and you're trying to seek God even in a very tough season, God will use you! Because if you can follow God and shine for Him through this tough season, God will never stop loving you and providing for you during any season!! Your faith and trust in God will grow to new heights and that is exactly what God wants.  More of you. More of your heart. For you to say, "God I don't know what you're doing in my life and I don't understand it but I trust you."

Dear God poem/update

Sorry no updates lately as I was hoping to post that God got me out of this fiery trial but instead He seems to be keeping me in it and it's getting harder rather than easier. I honestly can't see much good in my life right now and the good I see seems like God is on the verge of taking that away too.  How would you be doing if God took your health away and caused you pain everyday, took a family member who loved and supported you and took your full time job that you loved away...and then He is silent.

A poem I wrote in my struggle:

Dear God, I admit I'm depressed.

My situation has got me stressed.

I feel like giving up you see

As you don't seem to realize what all is happening to me.

There comes a time when it's harder to live than die

Life keeps getting harder no matter how hard I try.

I'd like you to just get me gone,

But for some reason, you let me keep struggling on.

I ask You why do I have to live another day

When I have to walk this painful way?

What can I possibly do now for you

When you've taken away all that I use to do?!

I'm lonely and sad. Abandoned broke and weak.

I'm not sure I can handle another defeat.

Why is it God that I'm still here?

All I face is unknowns and fear!

I don't have anything left to give...

So why is it that you let me live?

Your silence is hard to understand

Because, in my heart, I know you have a plan!

Lord, I'm trying to read and pray

But I can't seem to do it everyday.

Forgive me for failing you Lord.

Help me to once again pick up my spiritual sword

As I don't want to be left alone in my dark season

Please give me a passion for you and a reason

To keep going on when everything goes wrong...

Because God, I want you to make me strong!

Amen.

Perhaps you have caught yourself saying a similar prayer. You don't know how to go on and you seem consumed by the devil and fiery trials. And it would be easier if God would just come get us or rescue us!! But for some reason God doesn't always do that.  He wants us to endure. And that can be tough cuz others peoples lives are going great and ours are a mess...

But here is one answer God gave me through a David Wilkerson sermon.  The reason you aren't giving up, the reason you can keep going...though it makes no sense to you to do that is because of the Holy Spirit in your life.  Yes it's because of God! How encouraging this was for me to hear! The reason I can go on is not because of me but Him. And I'm happy God is still living in me...such a relief. As much as I'm struggling to know God is still in me gives me endurance again.

Keep Pulling!

 I have been teaching Amos and Revelations (Revy) to accept the harness attached to them by practice and patience.  I have not yet added a cart until... Yesterday!! Yay! My horse riding pal, Claire, came for a visit to ride so since I had the extra help we hooked up Amos to the light 2 horse cart.  It took a lot of time to get things adjusted to safely proceed.  He did great waiting and wondering what in the world I was going to be doing with him today.  

Amos decided the cart was ok behind. After all  he has gotten use to me ground driving behind him and all my shenanigans behind him so he was ok with that as I led him.  Then I climbed in and Claire led him around with me in the cart. He was uncertain but then adjusted and followed Claire.  Then the next step was to have Claire let go and see if he could be brave on his own without someone to cling/look to for security...to trust my voice and my directions for him even with the added pulling weight and the newness of pulling against  resistance.... something he has never experienced. Amos had to trust that I would keep him safe through a tough new skill. Amos had a ton of try and he ended up doing fabulous for his first solo drive. You want your horse totally responsive to turning stopping and moving forward otherwise backwards moving in a cart without control can be very hazardous.

I only share this story to point out something God was trying to share with me.  I know I'm harnessed by God...I'm His and He is mine but sometimes it can feel like God doesn't know what He's doing in my life...I feel so much resistance I want to freeze up like Amos would try unsure of any movement at all...sometimes I get very unsure if I can trust my God with the reins because I don't understand the process of what He's trying to teach or do with me...in fact it seems much harder to trust when resistance is felt and experienced.  Amos had to learn to push through the resistance that once those cart wheels started rolling and he followed the path I wanted of him things got easier.  I think that's the lesson God wanted me to remember. God was trying to tell me, Sandy, I've put my harness on you and I need you to keep pulling towards me no matter how great the resistance feels in your life.  I know it's hard but keep pulling towards me.  It only gets easier when you learn to trust me.

This Is Not My Journey

My life has taken so many drastic changes in the last few months.  It really reminds me that this life is not my own but God's.  This is absolutely not the journey I would have chosen but it is the journey God has chosen for me.  Even though I don't like it or even hate it at times, I still have Hope...even though some days I feel like Hope is just not there anymore...I am choosing to believe that God is not done with me yet and that perhaps He has something better in mind for me and perhaps I'll even like it?  Because, as I learned from Bill, a dear brother in Christ, who has also just recently gone to be with Jesus after a hard hard battle with cancer.... You have to believe that God is in control otherwise you won't be able to make it in a hard painful journey.  You have to let go of what if I did this or

 that...maybe I wouldn't be in this situation...cuz when you start doing that all the control lies on you when really you never had any control....you're not that powerful.  You have to believe that where you are today is right where God wants you and you let God have control and trust that whether things change for the better or worse...God is still in control.

That can be really hard. You have to choose to not hate God for the hard journey He has given you.  See it's easy to love God when you love your journey.  You have the perfect job, the perfect house the perfect spouse, perfect health, perfect stability, perfect finances perfect relationships ...but what if God takes one or more of those things away? Can you still journey on with God when He lets so much difficulty and pain into your life?  What if God doesn't let your journey get any better? Can you still walk that journey with Him?  

Sometimes I wish I could see how much longer my journey on the earth is...or if God could let me know how much more pain I have to go through till my journey is over.  But God chooses to not tell us.  Why because He desires our love of Him to be so big so deep that our bodies become a living sacrifice to Him...it comes down to trusting God every step of our journey.  

I don't know how to trust that deep yet...perhaps God, in His mercy and love for me will help me learn to trust His ways are better than mine and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. 

Right now things are tough.  I am experiencing the hardest times ever in my own personal lifetime.  I am overwhelmed. Exhausted and in pain. Confused and frustrated.  The only reason I can't be continually mad at God is because I need Him so much.  In every part of my life.  He has exhausted my resources so I must trust Him.  

Quick health update: Praise God!! I passed all my MRI tests and biopsies no cancer was found! I am currently seeing through zoom an Australian nutritionist in which we are taking supplements and taking stool samples and cutting out gluten dairy and soy products.  However, you can still buy me chocolate!! Walmart and Kroger still has dairy and soy free dark chocolate!! Actually, Cacao is one thing I need to eat more of so 70 to 85 percent cacao chocolate is totally in for me!!! Yes!!! So see you can still get me chocolates!!  Ok so I researched this nutritionist and he has helped over 500 people with gut and autoimmune diseases so maybe God will choose to help me through this guy...hope so he costs a lot and this is the most I've spent on myself.  Well if God chooses to not heal me it won't be because I didn't try! Currently I'm working part time at a nursing home but will need another plan or more hours to help pay for things.  My body's inflammation is still high so my feet and ankles can hardly stand and walk most days without hurting. I have a cripples walk in the morning..can barely do steps than by afternoon I can usually walk ok and do steps again. Hands and wrists are very inflamed too.  We went to see my RA Dr and he suggested starting a new med but was ok not starting it yet unless I get worse. I want to see if supplements and diet do anything.  Plus I hate putting those strong meds that can cause cancer into me...but my RA Dr pointed out I'm at a high risk for cancer and other stuff if we don't get inflammation down.  Boy nothing like being up against walls either way!! 😫 Still taking methotrexate and 4mg of Prednisone per day along with bunches of supplements.  

I'm thinking of going into house sitting or pet sitting like taking care of your house and pets while your on vacation...just the very basics.  Really I'm probably doing as much as I can with my old sick body but am loving taking care of my neighbors 2 horses and cleaning stalls again!! Will see what happens but prices keep going up and I'll do what it takes to get money coming in...course that's again up to God and my health.  Out of my control.

Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers and support! I appreciate all of it so much! I'd rather be the cheerleader than the one that needs cheering but thanking God for you all! 

Enjoy some cute pics of Amos and Revy learning new tricks! 

Until next update, keep journeying on the path God has before you, friend, He has better days ahead for us.  Choose to stay with Him even when you'd rather leave.  Choose to read that Bible and pray often for that is sometimes the only peace we can experience on a hectic journey.

Is God done with me? Brokenness abounds.

Have you ever asked God that question...are you done with me? Because God has stripped me of my beloved Dad, beloved job, health and any control or stability I ever thought I had....and I feel He has stripped me of my identity.  I'm so hurt, it's hard to think straight.  My life my future my health my horse ministry completely struck down right now... possibly forever...Did I not hear you correctly God? Have I only imagined recognizing your voice in my life? My passion for the broken and weak and broken and weak horses...was that not from You? Or are you just done using me? Am I suppose to do something else?...than what? Silence. It's the answer I continue to get from God. Yes my identity is that I'm a child of God....not a horse trainer...not a missionary...but a very broken child of God. A child that God loves not because I'm talented in anyway but just because I'm His. Im completely at His mercy for how He chooses to use me.  I must confess it was never my talents that God used...he has always used my brokenness. And I have much of that lately....I'm not even sure how to put one foot in front of the other because of the continual pain physically (literally walking is painful) and spiritually.  I know that God still loves me and can use me cuz I'm still breathing. I just have no idea how He'll do it. I feel completely useless and helpless...in utter reliance on God for health, financial aide and spiritual direction.  I still spend time crying and praying God help me because I have no idea what I'm doing or what you're doing in my life.  Please guide me, God, as I know so many of my decisions have been hasty due to pain or just plain survival instincts or just those ordinary life decisions that need answers. 

I really enjoyed the ways that God has used me and am so thankful that He let me share my passion for horses and Jesus for so long. I hope He's not done with that but I'm letting Him know and praising Him for that opportunity.  When I think of all that God has let me do in horse ministry and the way He has moved not only my heart but many hearts,.....my tears overflow from gratefulness.  And perhaps a little bitterness as I don't understand why God would want that to stop.  Perhaps God doesn't. I don't know. Silence is what I hear.

One thing that you and I have to realize is that our enemy absolutely hates God's children and he will take his wrath and hate for God out on God's children.  

I've been trying to rest in God but my week has been so crazy it seems there is no time to rest or I'm too exhausted and overwhelmed to rest or making too many fast decisions.  

God did give me a bit of hope a rainbow so to speak in my current storm.  I believe God's still using me. Spiritually and physically mentally and emotionally I do not feel fit enough for God to even use an ounce of anything but again, I know God can use our brokenness and uselessness for His glory. Amen to that! It's all I can offer Him. 

Last Tuesday evening I was suppose to teach at Esther House but was on the phone with a nutritionist from Australia to try to get me set up with tests and supplements to see if we cant find a root cause to all this pain and suffering my body is going through. Not cheap but worth it if it'll help my pain and inflammation go down!  He gave me so much time that I had to have my mom call in to say I can't make it tonight. But instead was told to come late..."We love Sandy!" Why was that so encouraging? Cuz I don't like Sandy right now and can't figure out why anyone would! I have no strength no spiritual might no funds no mission no dreams or motivation to offer anyone....only complete brokenness and just a bit of faith in God left. So I went and God got all the glory cuz Sandy is too broken and stripped to offer anything but Jesus cuz that seems to be all I have to boast about lately...Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so....I just don't see or feel His love or understand what He is doing in my life right now.  I love to experience God in my life and it is possible to feel God and I crave that! So now I must try to believe it when I can't feel it.

Picture of my barn that needs fixing too brokenness abounds right now for sure. I actually asked my barn this question the other day, "if you're so holy, why don't you fix yourself?" Haha! Another reminder that us believers need God's holiness in our lives cuz we are broken and need Him to mend us. Cry out to Jesus.

Has God cast you into the fire?!

 It's Day 29 of the Lion Diet and it's not doing a thing for me. I finally cheated this week. I had fresh pumpkin seeds and I made a healthy dessert of peanut butter and maple syrup and semi sweet chocolate chips cooked that up and it was at least an unprocessed healthy dessert.  I've been so hard core in this diet but I'm losing hope...the very reason I began this diet was to keep my job at the horse farm....but my body gave out on me and it seems God literally forced me to quit my beloved job.  I really need a job especially with all my upcoming medical bills so trusting God will supply something. Secondly, I did not want to become a cripple so my discipline was amazing for this diet...but looks like I'm a cripple or headed there as my pain is the worst it's ever been.  ( I am currently taking a  round of Prednisone which is helping bring down pain thankfully) This Monday, I go in for a CT scan of my chest abdomen and pelvis to check for cancer.  Yeah...cancer...I feel kinda doomed as I asked my hemotologist if he thought I could have cancer and he told me yes you are at a high risk for cancer... Since doctors and meds won't work to bring down my inflammation, I need to get checked for cancer as that can cause inflammation to be so persistent.  Wow God has cast me into the fire with all that is happening in my life. Sometimes I'm just very speechless as I sit quietly and ponder my life right now and wonder why God won't even let me or my family have a breather.  I find at times my body is frozen and I'm unable to move from either shock or perhaps just plain confusion at where God is leading me.  I have never been in a valley this deep dark and discouraging.  Im completely overwhelmed.  Every day presents another problem.

I know God's with me in this valley but I can't hear Him.  Perhaps He knows I'm unable to bear what He has to say to me so He's waiting till I'm ready to listen.  I see God's hand in my life but where is His voice? I feel like chaff aimlessly blowing from one discouragement to the next and all I can mutter to pray consistently is God help me.  

So how can I encourage my fellow sufferers...I read this in Isaiah 30 today, Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, This is the way; walk in it." I'm asking God to open my ears to His voice and that I could recognize His voice when He says, Sandy this is the way walk in it.

Second encouragement. I do not consider myself to be worth much. I'm no preacher. No teacher. No big gun for Jesus so I question if I even fit into this category. But I was listening to a David Wilkerson sermon on why God let's some believers go through fire, through "hell" and continual suffering if you will.  Why are some believers persecuted non stop and others seem to have minimal problems. Many reasons but here's just one reason.  God is looking for believers who will walk through fire and follow Him through all kinds of sufferings because those are the believers who testify of God's glorious might in their lives and give God the most glory because these believers have learned to trust God through anything!!! Whatever comes their way!! Nothing can break this believers faith!! And faith pleases God! This is the testimony our world needs to see the most! God can use this testimony and desires this kind of testimony.  God can use this believer more and more to proclaim Himself through because this believer knows it's not about what they've done for God, but about what God has done for them. They give God the complete glory! You'd think God would protect these believers for there amazing desire of Him and there Faith in Him but instead He allows all this bad stuff because He knows they are fully surrendered to Him and are letting God have complete control in there lives. This is a life God will use. Desires to use. Longs to use. But not many are willing to be used like this. So be encouraged if God has you in the fire today. Trust Him. He will use you because you aren't in a position to get any glory...only God gets the glory and what a testimony we then get to be for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Our glory fades but God's glory shines! Isn't this what we are hear for? To bring glory and praise to God?!